Can you hear me NOW?!?

Hindu lover.

2012-02-15T22:59:00.001-06:00

Oh I had the best call today. Times when I love my job. I had to call a customer because his email was undeliverable. He lives in North Carolina abd is the biggest hatemongering asshole there (I'm sure). I also called to assist with an office purchase in which he was requesting a discount for, which btw, was severely out of date, but I was feeling the love until I called him and was verbally violated by his small mindedness. He made my stomach actually turn over. He asked me if I was ever in the military (to which I said: I was married to it for a while and he said, good for you..) and if I loved my country and how could I support Microsoft hiring these Hindu idiots that initially answer the phone. He also said: No wonder they got my email address wrong, they can't speak English! (oh, but you are a literary genius.) How could you say you love your country-you hindu lover? I said: Sir, that was unnecessary and rude. Please do not talk to me like that or I will disconnect this call. He continued on and I said 'have s nice day' and hung up the phone.
People like him just make me want to kick kittens. Asshole. Glad that Brandy was there to hear it all. I am pretty sure that I was all peachy through the whole call, but I'm not sure. This guy made my blood boil and what was worse is that he lead in like that. No small talk or explanation of his issue, just as soon as I said that the email I received for contact was undeliverable which was why I was calling.. KaBlamo, he was screaming at me calling me a hindu lover. I don't get it. I guess that he's never read a history book in his life.. America is solely based on different cultures, religions and the pursuit of happiness regardless of any of that. The melting pot.. Not a smoking gun society. Must of been some red neck white ghost on the other end of the phone. Idiot. He is the reason why we can't all get along. Hatemongering idiots like him passing off improper propaganda to anyone who will listen. Well, I wasn't going to. What a moron. That kind of blind hated is what we fight against when we go to war. I have no want to deal with this customer again. I've never felt so offended in all my life and I told my boss that too when I reported the call to him. On top of all that, this was after I had signed out for the day.. I get accosted by this asshole? Fuck em, I was off the clock at this point and I wasn't about to let this jerk ruin my night especially after Taylor already ruined my morning. Just not a good day for me to day the least... Noel made stir fry, so it wasn't a complete waste of a day, but the beginning and the middle sucked way out of proportion for my liking. Fucking jerk, ya get on my nerves!

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Oops, she did it again...

2012-02-15T13:09:00.001-06:00

Well, she did it again. This morning.. and honestly I have NO idea what the hell set heroff. Christian came into the room askingwhy she has all this change in her wallet that we KNOW we didn’t give her, shelied and said that she found a $5 on the way home yesterday. Judging by her delivery of the answer, weknew it was a lie, so he asked her again and she said that she was paid $20 todo some homework for someone. $20?? For somehomework… in the GHETTO?? I think not. Christian then took the ‘notlike being lied to’ stance and the fight began. He got in her face after some harsh words from her after he questionedher again about this money. I am worriedat this point thinking that she is selling drugs for someone or doing goddessknows what for money and Christian is going on about illegal activity. I stop to listen to the conversation,thinking that she had admitted something that I didn’t catch and I find outthat he is just working an angle saying that what she was doing was wrong andshe can get expelled for said action… PLUS she is cheating someone out of actuallyLEARNING the material. He wasn’t beingmean, just stern, which I thought was fair at that moment. She jumped in his face and called himsomething, telling him to back down and not get so mad… STRIKE ONE. Well, in all fairness, she was working on mistake 2001 by this point,but who is keeping track? She lunged athim and said something hateful, so he popped her on the cheek. Not full force because he was stepping backwhen he did it so as to not actually hurt her, but get her attention. She began to scream and hit back. Calling him all kinds of names and tellinghim to F-off, which doesn’t fly in my house.. it doesn’t matter who is sayingit, but coming from her?? STRIKE TWO. This lovely banter went back and forth and hehad to pop her on the mouth a few more times, each time causing more of anuproar within Taylor. Still on the back stepnot to hurt her, but get her FULL attention… that this is NOT something thatyou say to an adult. He is now yellingand telling her that she isn’t allowed to talk to him like she is and she justgoes on and on, getting worse with every word that she uses. He tells her something to the effect of thefact that she is a child and he has done nothing to deserve this kind of actionfrom her… I recollect that he called her‘little girl’ which set her off like a firecracker. She really started hitting the F-bomb by thispoint, just for effect, I am sure. She actually told him to get the F out ofher face and to F off. Yeah, I was aboutready to come in there and beat her bloody just for the fact that she was usingthat word more than anything else, but I figured that this was THEIR battle andthrowing myself in the mix would only confuse the situation. So I continued to sit back, watch and listen. I figured that I would need this informationlater when I was driving her to school… That is when she verbally attacks Christian in my face because sheassumes that I won’t pull the car over and beat her in front of god and herfriends. Wrong.

He went to her room and threw her guitar down on the floor –at this moment not really caring if it was alright or smashed into pieces, butagain, this was for effect and not actual harm. This caused her to crumple down onto the bathroom floor cryinghysterically, which only proves that she is capable of stopping this behaviorif she really wanted to, which I don’t think that she does. Oh, let me backtrack a bit… during one of theattacks that she was throwing at her father, he grabbed her wrists to stop herfrom attacking and broke a few of her bead bracelets (which she wears like 20or so all the time) and beads went flying everywhere, which caused her tobecome more uncontrollable since she was ‘so proud’ of these things that shemade while in the loony bin just a few short months ago.

So, she is on the floor of the bathroom, wailing aboutwanting to go back to Springwood saying that she is allowed to tell him to stophurting her and so on.. he’s not hurting her, if anything SHE is killing ANYtype of positive relationship that she will ever have with this man by TELLINGhim how to act and what to do… Now, mind you, as he is talking to her, he iskeeping his hands behind his back unless they are needed for the F-bombs thatcontinuously fall out of her mouth during this exchange. We are no longer talking about the money orwhat she did to get it, we are now trying to figure out what the hell has madeher like this and how the hell we are going to stop it without having to tieher up to the bed post. They go back andforth on why she isn’t allowed to defend herself to him like she is and why heis allowed to talk to her the way that he is. She just doesn’t seem to get the fact that she is a child and he is theparent. Somewhere along her life, sheeither lost the ability to know when to shut up and listen or she just stoppedcaring about herself enough to challenge him like this.

She starts to wail on about wanting to go back to Springwoodand how she is going to run away there. We retort with we will look into it again for her and she just keeps ongoing. I am not going to say thatChristian was a saint by any measure, but he did keep his hands behind his backand used a lot of words to try to gain control of the situation which was not successful. She continued to scream and yell about how hewas being unfair and up in her face, causing her to get more and more angry andbelligerent with her responses. I ambeginning to wonder what all the neighbors are hearing and what their stance inall of this would be. If they thoughtthat Christian was being too harsh, or if the little toot deserved every wordof it. It has escalated all that it isgoing to get and I am hoping that the neighbors are now at work and not hearingANY of this… it is getting really closeto 8:00 am and she has wasted all this time arguing with her father and NOTgetting ready. I get my things and head upstairsfor a smoke and Christian follows soon after. After we walk outside and start talking about what just happened and howquickly it escalated for NO reason, he begins to talk about how ashamed he isin himself for allowing himself to get all bent out of shape over herstupidity. I can relate since I havealso been drug into her bullshit more times than I care to count feelingexactly the same way afterwards.. Howstupid of me to give into her crap. Imust be an idiot for allowing her to rule the conversation as well as myemotions like she does. I have learnedto say my piece, get out and ignore her… getting what I need out into theuniverse and not allowing a rebuttal as I am the parent and she is the child… I don’tallow her to run over me… However, that isn’t always the case and I feel like aschmuck afterwards with myself KNOWING that I allowed her to walk all over meand take TOTAL control of that situation away from me. Christian needs to learn to say his piece,jump out of the way and ignore her rebuttal. This way, he can say that he told her so and her not listening to himisn’t his fault, but hers and hers alone. She is a total butthead and one of these days, someone WILL beat thatinto her. I learned the hard way andsadly, I fear that she will follow the same path. This morning was a nightmare and I hope thatnot just the parents learned a lesson in it.

After we are done smoking, we come back in and I go to herroom to see if she is ready to leave. Her door is locked and she isn’t answering. After talking to the door for a while, askingit to open for me, I realize that she isn’t in there anymore. I unlock the door and notice that she hadescaped through her window (which is a good 10 foot drop to the ground) andleft the house without me. I drive tothe school to make sure that she is in class and she is. I get a phone call from Christian telling methat he has removed some of her freedoms from her life such as make-up and thelock on her door. He also nailed herwindow shut and has officially grounded to her to room for a week. She is not to have ANY TV or video games (orbooks) until next Wednesday afternoon. We have allowed her to get this way and it is high time that we take itall back. I don’t care what she tries topull on this one, she is grounded and in insolation for a week.

Once she reaches this point of no return with her anger,there is no way to pull her back until you just cut it off at the quick andChristian still hasn’t learned that with her. You say your piece and walk away. That is all you can do. This got wayout of hand on her part and I seem to recall feeling that way a few times as achild her age also, so I know that she gets it from me and look how I turnedout… haha. I think that we are going to seriously lookinto other school options again just to see if that will straighten her out… We need to take back the reigns but no oneknows how… We have started by taking allher make-up and nailing the windows shut.. etc.. We will see what kind of bullshit THATbrings to the table. Who the hellknows. He said that she will not go tothe talent show, but I think that since other people are relying on her forthis, she will still be able to go… guitar NOT being broken I hope. I have been looking online for militaryschools and scared straight programs all morning. She isn’t a thug and I seriously don’t thinkthat she will go that route – probably has Asperger’s though (given all theF-bombs that she threw out, maybe turrets too) and should be looked at by aphysician.. but other than that, I hope that we are able to handle thissituation better in the future. Sheshould NOT be allowed by us (passively) to run any conversations that we everhave with her. She has too much damnpower and she isn’t afraid to use it. This morning was NOT a fluke and it WILL happen again… We just need to know how to handle itbetter. She will be in isolation for afew days. Maybe that will straighten herup. Worth a try anyways…

Homopaganality.

2012-02-10T23:12:00.001-06:00

Sexuality is just as personal as our religion.. Its all individualized. We all walk around wondering if we are right or wrong, but what it comes down to is how we feel in our hearts. As long as we are true to ourselves we will never be wrong. Gay, straight, Christian or pagan... If what we believe we are is true to us, then it is the truth and we will go to great lengths to protect that truth regardless of how hard it makes our lives pan out for us. I am proud to have gay and/or pagan friends in my life. Their hearts are happy despite all the sticks and stones they have had to bear in their lives. At least they know who they are and what they believe... And continue to stick to their guns, come what may. I love them for their strength and perseverance. Life would suck without them.

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Crimson Waverly.

2012-02-03T15:58:00.000-06:00

Fuck 'em, I didn't want to go to the goddamn zoo any goddamn way.

I am still getting over the wounded feeling of being left at home for brushing my teeth (not worth telling) and he comes FLYING in at 6:00 AM this morning to my bedside - almost a WHOLE HALF HOUR BEFORE I ACTUALLY HAVE TO OPEN MY EYES - talking about taking Taylor out of school to the zoo, knowing DAMN WELL that I had to work today. I question why he has changed all his plans (IE: grocery shopping/being responsible) and he said that he wants to spend time with his oldest. He does it with Madison, so why can't he do the same with Taylor? Oh maybe because SHE HATES YOU?? Unless of course, you are doing EXACTLY this so she will love you... as long as you keep this action up. When is it MY turn to be the fucking HERO here?? How is it that I have to be the fucking responsible one all the goddamn time? I have to work when I am sick or dying in pain.. Well maybe not the latter since I was out for awhile because of my shoulder, but I still git the whole - 'so when do you think that you will be well enough to go back' bullshit.. Like I was on a fucking hiatus or something... And if I have to hear one more BULLSHIT crack out of Noel regarding my fucking bullshit shoulder... (regarding time off OR the fucking motorcycle) I am going to spike her tea with ipecac.

I have to worry about the finances when he just up and decides to do something like this.. Fuck. I guess that I am a stick in the mud.. I have turned into a fucking warden when it comes to money coming in or out (which seems to happen more often) of that goddamn house. I have stopped being entertaining and carefree. I have stopped being fun loving and mostly agreeable. I am sorry but I have obviously conditioned myself for this shit and I am fucking tired of it. I am fucking exhausted with this feeling... What if one day I too just say fuck work, fuck the bills and fuck anyone else's feelings on the matter... I am going to take my children out on holiday to the zoo and there is NOTHING that any other motherfucker can do about that.. NO I DO NOT HEAR YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT BILLS... nor do I hear you desperately wanting to join and be a PART OF THIS.. No, I don't hear you AT ALL.. I will be the goddamn hero and take my kids wherever I please, oh and can I take your camera so that I can fully document this outing and call you here and there to talk about all the fun that we are having without you? Is that okay? Cause I'm going to do it regardless. Oh, and to make up for all this, we're going out to dinner to that place that you took me to last week because I am jonsing for it... How does THAT sound?? Like total shit, thanks for asking... oh and fuck you.

No I DON'T want your updates saying that you have the place to yourself and that my white tiger was up and playing.. UGH. STOP IT.

Okay, I apologize. I've had some coffee and a smoke since and I am feeling a bit better. I think that my monthly is coming and I am just overwhelmed at work these days... and for some reason I feel like I am completely out of touch with my husband and family as well as my own emotions and feelings about anything in general. I guess that if you get told that you are a stick in the mud and WAY TOO OVERSENSITIVE ABOUT EVERYTHING - you start to believe it and make it worse. I am no longer fun and exciting. I am the most boorish person that Christian, Taylor and even Noel can think of and I should just go back to my hovel in my closet and stop breathing for a bit to see if that changes the situation at all. I doubt that will do anything than take me out of the equation and NO ONE wants to raise my kids but me.. sure they will put in their ten cents in and tell me what to do with them and how to punish/rear them, but actually take responsibility for them? Never.

I think that I need more coffee and possibly some chocolate... Maybe a good kick in the head. This is a horrible feeling knowing that your whole family thinks that you are this person that you KNOW you aren't, but due to all the BULLSHIT that has been thrown my way in the last decade, I guess that I have mellowed out the wrong way. I have nothing to be passionate about anymore. Sure, I love my family, but the negativity that has been generated in that house over the years is enough to be found swinging from a door frame. Maybe I am depressed and I need to go on meds. Maybe that will solve everything.. I have been feeling like this for years and to be honest, Christmas was so blue for me that I honestly didn't think that I was going to make it through without the help of a lethal dose of Grey Goose. That is medication, right? It just seems to me that my whole world is kids, work, hubby and house. Where do I fit in this? I was very passionate about my picking Wicca back up, but everywhere that I went with that I was snubbed in some way, so I have given up on it.. I will work with it when I have time and availability to do so.. which will be somewhere around when Madison goes to college, I'm sure. My beautiful piano stares at me every night when I go to bed and every morning when I wake up with well mounted intentions, but I have no time during the week and by the time that the weekend does come, I am too exhausted to want to work with it. It breaks my damn heart. After that night with Noel and her bullshit about being mad that I was downstairs playing with my kids and didn't come up for dinner... I was playing with my kids and my new piano... get over it... but I think that was enough to bust what morale I did have going into it... Damn, I was PLAYING WITH MY KIDS, in which she seems to think that I hardly do at all, which again, I am sure she is correct about.. but now I have to make sure that when and IF I do this, I need to make sure that it isn't during dinnertime where in she rules that arena somehow. FUCK. I can't even play with my KIDS correctly.. WHY DO I EVEN CARE?? All of this would of been easily avoided had I just not given a fuck about any of it. But then again, there I am not caring about anything, which I seem to be accused of anyways... What the hell do I do now? I'm already being punished for a crime that I have not committed, so do I just go ahead and not give a real rats ass about anything anymore? Just give into what I am seen as and stop caring about anything.. just go to work and come home and sit there like a mindless idiot? I have become so damn negative and I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, which in conditioning it typically does... But yet, I don't get involved in it where I should and could possibly change the outcome. Christian still has COMPLETE control over the finances, even though he says that he doesn't.. we're doing this together.. right.. and here I sit, thinking that anything I say about it matters to him... Bullshit, he will do whatever he will do and I will again be the catch all for the destruction it delivers.. Pay the fucking NTTA .. pay the fucking RENT ON TIME.. But you said that we had X amount of money for this, but now there is none?? I don't get it.. what kind of economical wizardry is this anyways? Poof, its all gone and here I am wondering how I allowed myself to get involved in the first fucking place, all the while pissed at myself for not being MORE involved. Why am I so damn OCD about the fucking money in the first goddamn place?? Who the fuck cares. It will eventually get paid.. typically with fees added on top, but it will get paid, so get off the fucking high horse Jen.

I really do try to be happy and satisfied with what my life has given me... and for the most part I am with little complaint, but I am having a beak through moment of just fuck, fuck.. FUCK! WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE??!! WHY??

Yes, GODDAMN IT. I am depressed (and VERY angry also apparently) and the more that I even so much as THINK about this crap, the more that I want to cry my eyeballs out that I have allowed ANY of this to happen to me. I have just turned a blind eye to a lot of crap and my morale and emotional balance has taken a toll for it. I know that I have turned into a complete bitch over a bunch of it and I do see what they see... get a rope... I don't know how to turn it off or around or anything.. fuck.

Who the fuck cares anyways about how I feel about anything? Whatever.. I have work to do. I am WAY behind on my cases and I have to stay late since the last shift for the night has gone home with a sick child.

Is it wrong to want to just go home and sleep until I can't possibly sleep anymore? or just not wake up at all?

I'm sure that this will all pass in about 5-7 days or so, but I really do need a psychiatrist... stat.

2012-02-02T21:32:00.002-06:00

Welcome to my new 2011 KIA!!

Here are some pics that I found from the internet. Enjoy.. I know that I am.

Large inside. All seats fold down and the back two fold into the floor!!

Large cockpit - yeah, I said cock, ya wanna fight about it? Everything is electric.. even the damn side mirrors!!

AM/FM/Sirius XM/CD/MP3/bluetooth media/phone
ooohhhh yeeeaaaahhh....

See? They all fold down - and you can use that seat back as either a table, or a place to put your feet up on when relaxing

Both sides slide back and both windows in the sliding door roll down

Oh yeah, it's a V6. This bitch can get up and MOOOVE!

So I have decided that I am NOT a soccer mom, but a Harley support vehicle.
THANK YOU CHRISTIAN!!!

2012-02-02T10:58:00.003-06:00

IMBOLC/CANDLEMAS (FEBRUARY 2): REBIRTH OF THE SUN

From The Complete Idiot's guide to Wicca and Witchcraft

Imbolc (IM-bolk), which is often called Candlemas, is the time when Wiccans celebrate the renewing fertility of the Earth. The Goddess is seen as recovering from childbirth, and the God is a small child. This is also the time of “fire in the belly.”

There is the feeling that spring is coming, but a certain restlessness or cabin fever can set in. This can also be the bleakest time of the year when we start to fear that spring will never arrive. It’s no coincidence that many people celebrate Ground Hog’s Day on this date. What is Ground Hog’s Day but a way to let Nature reassure us that spring really will come? Sometimes, even though it is still cold, you can see early buds on trees on this date. This is another way that Nature reminds us to hang on; life is getting ready to burst forth.

Imbolc is a time to celebrate with seeds, with a newly germinating idea. Some covens like to initiate new members at this time of year. Imbolc is a holiday of purification and of the renewed fertility of the Earth. It’s a great time for some early spring cleaning, too. Get rid of things you don’t need. Get ready for the spring season to come.

2012-02-02T10:56:00.002-06:00

IMBOLC

From http://www.worldspirituality.org/imbolc.html

Imbolc is an ancient festival, Celtic in origin, and considered one of the greater Wiccan sabbats. It is celebrated on the night of February 1st in the northern hemisphere.

The primary purpose of Imbolc is to celebrate Spring's impending replacement of Winter. In this sense, Imbolc may be seen as a spiritual alternative to the secular celebration of New Year's Eve.

At New Year's Eve, we often see the image of old, bearded Father Time replaced with a young baby. Father Time represents the old, outgoing year, and the baby celebrates the year just born. At Imbolc, we have similar imagery; an old crone represents the outgoing year, and turns things over to a young maiden.

Fertility, of course, plays a part here. The frozen earth is incapable of growing things, just as the old crone has grown incapable of producing offspring. This barrenness is replaced by the warm return of Spring, making the earth once again fertile, symbolized by the fertile young maiden.

How to Celebrate ImbolcAn evening feast is in order, since Imbolc represents a return to liveliness and all the bounties of Nature. Americans might best grasp the concept of Imbolc by thinking of it as a Thanksgiving celebration for what is about to happen. Celebrants can be happy feasting, knowing that winter is passing and that food will once again be growing and plentiful. The feast begins with a short prayer, or toast:

Blessed be the earth, and all who dwell upon it.

We give thanks for the season now departing from us,

For the blessings it has bestowed upon us,

And upon those with whom we share this world. Blessed be the new season.

We pray that it will be a time filled with peace,

With abundance, with prosperity,

With wisdom,

With love.Blessed be all who share this feast.

Let us now prepare for the time ahead

By opening our hearts, and our minds, and our spirits.Blessed be.

Imbolc Menu

The table should be set with white candles. Since ewes begin lactating at around the time of Imbolc in many locations in the northern hemisphere, the sabbat is connected with ewe's milk. For this reason, some sort of dairy product - cheese, for example - should be included in the feast. Other than that, there are no specific food requirements, except that food should be plentiful! Something green and fresh, such as a salad, would indicate the coming of spring, but since winter is yet with us, the main fare should be hearty, served with a nice, crusty bread. Mead, ale, spiced wine or non-alcoholic equivalents would all be appropriate beverages.

2011-12-26T13:36:00.000-06:00

Okay so Christmas is over and now we have to look forward toa new year. I am ready for this one tobe over and start a new one. I stillhave like 6 months on this contract, which regardless of bitching about workingall the holidays, I have a job and for that I am blessed. Yes, I will still bitch about it, but knowthat underneath I am happy that I have something to bitch about. Haha.

So Christmas went off without a glitch. I was ordered to sleep in my bed, so I wokeup around 5am when my meds had worn off and found Christian completely awakestanding outside on the balcony having a smoke. I wandered outside unable to see really well since I was not reallyawake just in so much pain that I couldn’t sleep (plus the tears from the pain). I have been sleeping in the recliner in theliving room for the last few days (now two weeks) and it seems to be helping myshoulder, but because Santa was visiting ME that night, I was told to go to beddownstairs… I knew it wouldn’t work, butI wasn’t about to argue with the man who was more than likely going to bebuilding ME something cool… so off tobed I went, only to wake up so stiff that I was crying at 5AM in the morning. He and I stood there on the balcony smokingand looking at one another with a strange feeling in the air. He looked at me and said that officially allhis Christmas spirit has left him as he was unable to reminisce and tear upover all his prior Christmas days of yore. I don’t think that was what it was, but he was convinced that since hewasn’t able to cry over his past then he has lost the spirit. Um, you just cussed your way through twohours building a castle for our child all the while watching ‘White Christmas’in the background. This was the firstyear ever that we didn’t just sit there and cuddle while that movie was on… very odd. We didn’t get to do a lot of things that we normally did this time ofyear that really puts me in the spirit, so I am sure that he was taken aback byit all too this year. It is really weirdhaving Noel in the house and I think that he’s feeling that too. Not that I am, I don’t really care eitherway, she’s no bother to me, but he seems to think that she is his emotional responsibilityand true her depression takes her on some wild rides, but that isn’t HIS faultnor responsibility to cure. She has herown issues and qwerks that don’t really concern him, but I can understand mostof why he’s like that with her. AND THATIS A DIFFERENT – LATER BLOG.

It was wonderful and the girls didn’t fight, not once, whichthat in itself was a Christmas miracle. Madison was showered with gifts and Taylor got things that she asked forand some things that she didn’t know she wanted… Christian and Mom made out okay and I goteverything that I always wanted and then some. The biggie for me this year was a piano. Well, actually it’s a keyboard,but it’s not some little kiddie Casio, it’s the midsize (minus one octave) biglearning keyboard. I cried when I sawit. It sounds just beautiful and it’sreally complicated. It can record and playback what I just played. It has a reallyextensive song bank (you can also download midi’s to it and it will teach you thosetoo!) that I can either listen to or use the teaching feature so I will learnto actually play them like I am supposedto and not hen peck at the keys like I used to. All of the time and memories (plus some old frustration) welled up in myeyes as I began to recall my grandmother trying to teach me songs and how shewould just entertain me for hours playing for me. She knew a whole bunch of songs by heart thatshe would play for me when I was a child.

I was reminded of being a teenager, sitting down withMichael trying to teach me a version of ‘Yesterday’ in which I learned and usedto play on my little Casio keyboard at home. I still have the transposed notes stuck inside the keyboard book that myparents gave me of Beatles songs to learn on that little keyboard… I wrote them all down so I would remember howto play it just like he showed me.

Then I sat there and thought of Dennis for a moment… all thetimes that he would bring me to his father’s house, just so he could show off on his mother’spiano for me. I loved that. I have always had a very soft place in myheart for piano and anyone who could actually play it, which he most certainlycould do (his mother taught him very well) and it was always a real treat tohear him and he bought back memories of Grandmother playing for me. Man, I miss my grandma’ma’. I immediately opened the song book to ’TheEntertainer’, which is what she would always play for me since that and ‘MusicBox Dancer’ were her favorites. Dennisalways played Billy Joel’s ‘Lullaby’ for me and eventually I would like tolearn that one as well, but as for now, I am hell bent on learning ‘The Entertainer’(Music Box Dancer was NOT in the book – I will eventually buy that one too). The learning system that this beautiful keyboardhas on it breaks the song up into pieces and teaches each ‘frame’ of the pieceto me in steps. I really didn’t have alot of time to play with the song yesterday, but I hope that this week willgive me some time to learn on it. Ireally need to read the manual on this hardware since it looks like it couldlaunch a rocket if I programmed it correctly.

He has already put it downstairs next to my bed so that Iwill be able to get to it easily and the children will not have instant accessto it like they would if it were in the living room. I don’t think that he truly knows how appreciativeI am for this gift. I just hope that Iam able to do it justice and show him that I really loved his gift by learningsome songs to play for him. Maybe if Iget good enough, eventually he will come to appreciate the piano as I have andsit with me and listen just as I used to with my grandmother.

I also got some pajama pants, which THANK GODDESS I neededsince all mine are either too thin for this weather or they are wearing holesin them in places that I wouldn’t dare walk out in public with. Noel bought me a beautiful sweater (eventhough my instructions were to find the most hideous reindeer/winter medley sweaterthat she could possibly find for me) and bras, which again for the same reason asthe pajama pants I needed them. Christian also bought me this awesome black and pink Harley hoodie,which will go into my coveted clothing line, worn on special occasions and maybeto work a few times, just to show off. It’s really beautiful with the all black shell with the Harley symbol onthe breast in pink… also on both sleeves emblazoned in cursive is ‘HarleyDavidson’. Too cool. God only knows how much money he spent on methis year… Harley is extremely ‘proud’of their clothing and none of it is cheap, so I know that was at least $50 -$75 just for that and the gorgeous Casio piano he got me (with stand)… Man, he went crazy on me this year. All I got him was pajama pants (Yes, this wasthe year for everyone to get some upgraded pajamas), a foot massager, and somehouse shoes. Boy do I feel like aschmuck.

Noel gave him a buffet warmer that we will be able to usenext week for any foods that we might put out for the New Year ‘party’ we willbe having. It looks like it will just bethe family plus maybe James and Crystal. Everyone else seems to have other plans. We really DO NOT like going out that night unless Christian was workinga show or something like that. All thedrunks and stupid people are out in force that night and we don’t want tochance our lives with them. Besides, Ihave my dream New Year’s night in my head and I don’t think that any other newyears after that one will ever measure up, so I am good with not going out anddrinking at some club or what not. Ihave learned that all the socialization that I really need is at home with myfamily. Sure, on occasion I like to goout and see certain people, but that seems to be fewer and more far betweenthan I remember growing up. Maybe thatis the key, I grew up.

After Christian and I sat there looking at one another for afew hours, he popped the strata in the oven and Taylor got up first. In fact, I don’t think that she ever slept thatnight at all. I am not sure why, shetook her meds… but she said that she’dbeen reading all night and went back downstairs to wake Madison. It was like 6:45AM at this point. Dad asked Madison to go up and wake Grammiebut the door was locked (?) and Madison came back down with tears in her eyesthat her door was locked and she said that she didn’t want to bother her, soChristian went up, knocked on her door and offered to take Brody out while shewas getting dressed for Christmas morning activities.

The girls made out like bandits. Madison got a HUGE castle (Thank you GP Mikeand Kathleen) that was shipped weeks ago and sat in my room for so long thatonce the box was gone, I sat there and starred at the wall it sat on for aminute wondering what was there before. Ittook Christian 2 hours to put the thing together, but when she saw it Christmasmorning, well, it was all worth it. Noelbought her a bike, which came with Barbie elbow/knee lads and little cut off gloves,plus dad bought her a kitty cat helmet that looks like a pink cat has landed onher head. She has tried the bike a fewtimes but since the driveway through our apartments is all uneven and cracked,she didn’t enjoy it very much, but she sure did ask to go outside with it likea million times, so that is a good sign. I think that Friday we will take her to the park or to the stadiumparking lot so she can enjoy her bike. Shealso got new monkey pajamas and toys beyond any level of rational thinking and aPOGO STICK.. I was amazed that A: shewould ask for such a thing and B: that they were still being made, but she gotone none the less and she has been trying to use it while holding on to thehandrail of the staircase. Ugh, I cansee the endless ER possibilities there.

Taylor received guitar stuff from GP Mike and Kathleen(Capo, strings and some picks) and pajama pants from Chet the reindeer, plus anew comforter from me for her bed so that she can finally toss the raggedy onethat she’s had for like 5 years. It’sreversible so when she screws up the one side from all her nail polish and makeup that she refuses to take off before bedtime, she can flip it over and usethe other side. Plus it’s machinewashable, so that is also a bonus. Christianbought her this really nice canvas picture of a Gibson guitar to hang on herwall along with some guitar neck hooks for her coats and stuff. Her side of the room now looks like sheactually lives there and not just drew a whole bunch of things to mark herterritory.

Noel got a really pretty canvas wall hanging for her walls (Igive kudos to Christian for such a good eye this year picking all that out as Iwas at work all that time) and some smelly good stuff for a diffuser thatChristian bought her. That was hardsince she is allergic to like EVERYTHING, so sandlewood was given. She also received 6 mini Bailey bottles whichshe loved. I won’t be nipping at thatsince I only put it in coffee, but they look really good. Maybe I will find something to mix them withfor next weekend and I will be able to enjoy a little bit too.

After the demolition of my living room was put back intoplace and some naps were had, we went to the cousin’s house and somewhere afterlunch (ugh, SO MUCH FOOOOD!!!) the nerf war broke out. This has become a tradition with the cousinsand both girls were able to participate this time. Madison was too little last year, so she wassent into the line of fire to retrieve ammunition for Taylor instead, but thisyear she was out there shooting her gun with everyone else and she is a prettygood shot shooting.. At some point, shewas garnished with one of the semiautomatic nerf weapons (purchasedspecifically for this particular nerf war) and was going from room to room withgun a blazing, hitting everyone and everything in site. I was mighty proud of that little one thisyear for holding her own in the nerf war, even though the bigger ‘kids’ hadfashioned blow guns for the darts out of pvc piping, which hurt way more thanthe guns did, but they kept their aim high so Madison was able to run in andout unscathed.

Taylor and Madison made out really well there too. Madisonreceived a new pink dog pillow pet, a bead kit (to share with Taylor), a makeyour own hairband kit (also to share with Taylor) and a little fuzzy dog in apurse. At least I think that was whatthat was.. I didn’t get a good enough look at it to tell. Taylor was given this beautiful mirroredmosaic guitar to hang on her wall from Marianne, which is now her favoritepiece. Christian’s guitar pic wastrumped by her, but he didn’t seem to mind. I don’t know what else she was given as that became her whole world therest of the day there and into the night at home. Christian and I were given a really geniuswall hanging that one of the cousins made (I think it was Marianne) that hadour last name in big red wooden block letters over a black canvas that saidsomething about German’s having really big hands.. It really is a wonderfulgift and I am pretty sure that we will be able to find somewhere cool to hangit up. Noel also got one that said ‘Smith’on it, as that is her last name… Shealso got the best gag gift ever.. Elise bought a TY duck keychain and hot gluedflames to its butt and also coupled it with a big brown elephant keychain…

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out forest fires…
Why do elephants have such big feet?
To stamp out FLAMING DUCKS!!! LOL!!

Yes, this joke dates back many a moon, but it was rediscoveredonly recently and shared again with the smaller cousins and now she has areminder keychain that will make her laugh uncontrollably for many years tocome. Thank you for that and thank youfor making her feel like part of the family again, that was really nice.

So after all the food was consumed and all the nerf gunswere emptied for the last time, we all got into our cars and went home. Christian and I stayed up for a whileadmiring the empty tree and all the wonderful things that took place over thelast 24 hour period. We watched ‘IndianaJones and the last Crusade’ and I fell asleep in the chair.

Here I am at work. Again one of the ONLY contracts actually here today. Christian tried to talk me into staying hometoday, but I just can’t see how that would benefit my paycheck, so here I am…Besides Noel is taking off this whole week to be with the family so she will bethere for them so he can sleep all day if he wants to so he can go to worktonight without complaining that he wants to fall asleep in his chair at work.

This blogs pics can be seen at:

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.2957341379461.156247.1439295115&type=1&l=79db87a0cf

Plan'ol Christmas

2011-12-23T17:21:00.000-06:00

Well it looks like we will be driving to Plano tonight so that Noel can wrap our gifts. I am glad that we are being ushered out of the house and Christian 'wants' to drive to Plano. It really means a lot to me.. i guess that no husband really likes his wife's family, but I do love my family and I really wanted to see them this season, so this works out for me. I understand his want to be just 'nuclear family' for Christmas and I get that we were just there for Thanksgiving, but I was kinda upset that he didn't want to see them at all for Christmas. Sure, it's a drive and sure, they are all crazy, but they are MY family - and I was hoping that he saw them as HIS too, but I guess that most of the crap that happened early on with them and him will never be completely forgiven and forgotten. I guess that I can understand that. I mean hell, it took what, almost 10 years for my mother to see Taylor for what she really is and actually apologize to him for thinking him the bad wolf all this time? I can understand that being damaging and him being stacked up against everyone else that I have ever dated?? Yes, my choice in men totally sucked up until him (maybe minus Michael in that equation), but really mom/dad/Jinger.. c'mon, it's not like he was a murderer, abuser or alcoholic - in which I believe that I have dated all of before... He's got his flaws, but they aren't penal code breaking... nor are they medical bill making either, despite what Taylor has been feeding you all these years. ANYWAYS.. So on top of going to Plano to see Nana and Poppy, we are also going to go to Tonja's house for a short while. Glad for that too as I have a gift for her...

Ugh.. one more hour and then I am outta here for the Christmas holiday. My team and Signature team were the only ones in the WHOLE building... Everyone else is home with their families enjoying the nice COLD weather and probably hot cocoa. Man, I hope that everyone knows how lucky they are for getting today AND Monday off. I think that this is for both holidays too.. I think that they get the Friday and Monday again next week for New Years too. Damn.

I hope that everyone likes what all I bought them for Christmas. I really put a lot of thought into everyone's gifts this year. Madison is getting to that point where she doesn't just want the box anymore. I am not saying that she isn't grateful for all the things that she has, just that she is starting to understand quality and quantity... Two very expensive revelations come this time of year. With her having a birthday so close to Christmas and Halloween, she kinda gets the shaft on both in order o get really good stuff on Christmas. I don't think that I would want my birthday squeezed between those two big bad boys... It's depressing.. you want to be able to get all this stuff for your birthday, but then that leaves very little for Christmas and you want to be able to eat all your Halloween candy that night, but you can't because you are having a big party with cake the very next day usually...

Ugh.. 5:30.. I am SO ready to get out of here.. can you tell? Maybe I will post this and watch some youtube.

Merry Christmas...

2011-12-23T09:48:00.001-06:00

In continuation of my BAH HUMBUG attitude, I thought that I would share some Christmas cheer in order to get myself out of this funk. I am even wearing my Santa hat today to work.. That is how BAD this is for me this year...

Madison and Santa. I was very impressed at the Bass Pro's Santa this year. The one from last year was equally as good however, this one was WAY more JOLLY than the one from last year..

She was able to ride the reindeer carousel, in which she always loves to do every year. We got in to see the big guy really quickly this year. We walked in and Madison was really excited to see him, but we were told that the next available time to see him was 6:00PM in which I looked down at my watch and saw 1:00PM starring back at me. I could tell that she was immediately disappointed. Just as she looked up at me with tears welling in her eyes, a red haired angel came into view with a 2:00PM ticket that she said was extra and that Madison could have it if she would like it. OMG, WELL YES, THANK YOU! After much thanking, I took the ticket from her outstretched hand. I will always remember that red haired angel.

We were immediately ushered to the 2:00PM line which was already starting to fill up. Madison was so happy I thought that her head was going to explode. As we stood in line, she befriended two twin boys wearing mini Santa suits, a little babbly girl sitting in a stroller dressed like a gumdrop and a VERY sleepy baby boy who was wearing the most beautiful little red outfit that almost matched Santa's down to the little black boots! Then it hit me, this is the 'special' red neck Santa picture that these parents are going to send out to their families this year... Woah. I guess that all the years of seeing the mall Santa or being ushered to the Macy's Santa every year has clouded my vision of what these parents are trying to do here. Madison was just really hyped up wanting to tell Santa what she wanted for Christmas... (Polar Express Train, for the tree) the picture was merely a bonus for me. It's sitting on my desk with very little recognition unless a stray (LOST) rep comes striding through...

Taylor and Maggie after her choir concert. She had a solo... the first two lines of "Where are you Christmas" (Faith Hill's version, not the little girl Grinch version)... It wasn't bad. I guess. She just doesn't have that gift of song even though she is convinced that she does. The concert was really good and I thoroughly enjoyed a solo of "River" (by Joni Mitchell). I don't know the name of the girl that performed it, Taylor said that she was in the mixed choir of her school, but she played the piano while she sang the song.. and she sang it like she wanted to, not the way that the song was originally set up.. It was really great.

Madison tried her hand at the gingerbread house this last weekend. All by herself. Between my shoulder, Taylor not giving a damn, Christian being at work and mom not feeling the love, she was damned and determined to do it alone. I think that she did a VERY good job considering the fact that she is 8 years old and this was her first real try at it. I think that she ate her way through the process, but isn't that the rule?

Christian and I went to the Toy Run the 18th. It was really crowded and it was really heartwarming to see everyone come out for such a GREAT cause! The kids were really happy to see the toys and we were able to fill TWO HUGE 18 WHEELERS FULL OF TOYS!!! It was really great.

Christian and the bike for the Toy Run.

Don't ask. I was feeling jolly that someone was SHORTER than I.

Christian, Mrs. Claus, me and Santa.

The HUGE jaguar that we brought for some lucky kiddo. Man, was HE brutal on the bike. You never think about the balance on the bike until you have some HUGE thing attached to it throwing it off...

Ho.ho.humbug...

2011-12-22T17:53:00.002-06:00

Ho. Ho. Ho.

Welcome to 2011 Yule/winter Solstice!

It’s just a few days until Christmas and I am starting tosalivate for strata, game hens and of course presents. Due to the accident on Friday while trying tolook at Christmas lights in the neighborhood across from us and my shoulder’sreaction to it, well I am just not in the Christmas mood. No Gaylord, Grand Prairie Lights or anythinglike that for me this year. It’s eithertoo expensive or has already been done without me. I see the presents around the tree and I justdon’t get that giddy feeling at all. Iam not tempted to pick up, shake or even KICK any of them and that is incrediblydepressing for me. The last few years Ihave been in charge of trying to get myself into the spirit, but this year itjust feels like it was all taken out from under me for some reason. I don’t know what is different really otherthan we have Noel and Brody living with us, which shouldn’t be a reason… Maybe because it’s 57 degrees on the firstday of Winter? I don’t know. Maybe it IS just because I am buried at work(swamped with complete assholes that wouldn’t know Christmas spirit if it visitedthem three times in one night!!) and I have a hurt shoulder from trying to enjoyChristmas lights… Maybe it’s theassociation of the last two things… Idon’t know, but I don’t like it. ItsTHREE ‘gd’ DAYS before the fat man shoves his lily white ass down my chimneyand I am all BAH HUMBUG. This isBAD. I can’t let the magic down… whatkind of a good witch would I be if I didn’t believe?? This is really bad. Something just has to happen here… Something beautiful… something magical. I don’t like not being able to feel the joy of peace and happiness that I normally feel this time ofyear. I just feel trapped and inpain. That is NOT good. Maybe I need to meditate more. I finally got a full night’s sleep lastnight, which was a miracle considering. I found myself in Noel’s big recliner and the pain subsided just enoughfrom the Tylenol to fall asleep. I knowthat I over did it yesterday at work – working through lunch and trying to getthrough over 120 cases in one day, but I pretty much did it and last night Iwas feeling the after effects of it. Myshoulder SCREAMING at me – trying to get comfortable on the couch – just wasn’tworking for me. I guess that the Tylenol and the chair just happened at thesame time and I was able to pass out pretty easily. I don’t even remember the kids going tosleep, but they did I assume since once I did wake up at like 4 or 5 am toreposition, I didn’t hear a squawk out of their room. I know that they were in full swing when Iwent to bed… James came over last night and made some Payday bars which wentway faster than it took to make them… we were all hyped up on straight sugarand I wasn’t expecting the kids to sleep right off the bat, but I was hopingthat my blood sugar topping off would help me pass out faster than normal, so Itook a rather large piece of the confection in hopes that it would either killme or at least help me fall asleep so I didn’t have to feel my shoulderanymore.

Found out that Christian doesn’t want to do the game hens.. ugh, wellthere is one more thing. Someone please just get me to the 1^st so Ican drink until I don’t feel anything at all.

On Facebook today...

2011-11-22T12:59:00.001-06:00

On Facebook today: Whatever God or Goddess you follow orwhatever tradition you prefer is truly irrelevant to the fact that you believein something greater than yourself. Something that brings you peace and hope..It makes you want to be a better person.. It gives you warm feelings of loveand admiration. The important part is that you just believe. It's all the samepower and energy regardless of the name you evoke it by. Merry Christmas, HappyHolidays and Merry Yule... It’s all the same. Yes, I wear a pentacle, but I'mnot one to bitch about your cross or Star of David.. I am just blessed enoughto realize and recognize that your religion is strong in your heart and in theend, that is all that matters.

I say that, then I go into a long explanation as to why myreligion is better than yours. Notreally, but again, of course I do think that and so should you about your own.I believe and that is all that there is. Everyone believes in something. Whether the tree outside your home is a direct link to your Goddess orif E.T. is your God – you believe to believe in nothing, well that is still abelief and that is all there is.

This time of year is almost bittersweet for me. I LOVE CHRISTMAS and I LOVE TO CELEBRATE YULE… I see the churches dressing up for the ‘greatbirth’ using your hard earned devotion and pocketbook to decorate with and Isee a Santa Claus (in his ‘coke’ fathomed red suit) in every mall chargingOUTLANDISH prices to get a snapshot with, along with the red buckets setoutside with a frozen bell ringer trying to get some spare change for the poorand unfortunate and I shudder. Maybe Ineed to set out a cauldron next to him and see how much money I can raise formy religion? We have starving babyWiccans too… AND it makes me so angry to see the masses at ‘Black Friday’, pushingover children to get that fucking bracelet that their mother in law saw in theSunday circular the weekend before. It’sall so that she can continue to reign in the place where she was placed duringthe ‘I do’s… Keep grandma happy and all the sons will be too. They get to the stores already sleep deprivedfrom the Tryptophan induced meal(s) prior to save a few bucks on some itemsthat will be out of sight and out of mind by this time again next year; runningover children, pets and old ladies for this crap. Humm, maybe it isn’t religion related, butthe whole MIGHTY DOLLAR sure does put a damper on the whole meaning behind theholiday and meager beginnings (in the Christian story) and it makes me MAD (andI roll on…). It makes it all verybittersweet for me and I really could care less that I get a ‘whatever it is’for Christmas, as long as my family is taken care of and everyone is fed, clothedand happy I really just don’t care…

I used to be a believer of the Christian path, no, I was NOTa Catholic - hell I was a Methodist, although lax, it still counts… Sadly, I had that ‘shoved’ down my throat since Iwas born and I think that was what started me on my journey to find somethingelse, something better, something that made some sense to me. I knew that it wasn’t the path for mesomewhere around the age of 8 when I began to cry a lot during services and Icouldn’t sing the hymnals anymore because I would bawl. I got to the point where I couldn’t even walkinto a church without feeling like there was something wrong with me. Maybe it was my unchecked empathy, but it waslike someone had set a big boulder on my back and I was going to have to holdthat up the whole time that I was in that place. The guilt of sinners joining up every Sundayto vomit their guilt over some grape juice and bread, just didn’t seem to workfor me. It took some time for me torealize that it wasn’t necessarily what I was being taught in this institutionas it was just the feelings that I had about it all. The church was really nice to me and myfamily, but I just never felt like I fit in. I knew in my heart of hearts that there was something else out there andI was bound and damn determined to find it. I just couldn’t make heads or tails out of why we would pay homage to someguy (and some followers) all the time when there is so much more out there topay homage to that I could actually see. I understood the concept of God and I liked that part of it, but onceyou get Jesus involved, it just kinda fell apart for me. That some guy was born and took away all oursins… Aren’t we supposed to beresponsible for our actions? That iswhat my parents told me during my entire childhood… Yes, I get that we were given rules to liveby, but honestly, when you break them down to the bare facts, they are reallyjust brainless theology. No, I don’twant to be treated like crap, no I don’t want my shit stolen and I sure as helldon’t want to kill anyone! DUH. We actually had to be TOLD these things? And on top of that, we have to be remindedEVERY SUNDAY not to do any of these things as well?? Are we really just a bunch of mindless sheepthat need to be heard? Wait. Jesus is called the Sheppard.. ugh,see??

So, I did some digging. Read some books like the Bible (King James as well as other), the Koran(Qur’an), Book of Mormon (Golden aliens – no seriously, look into it), read some Torah (what I could understand ofit).. looked into some LaVeyan Satanism (some good ideas – bad practice), someDianetics (Scientology – please refer back to Mormon), Zhuangzi (Chinesephilosophy – found it in English – Loved Tao – ohmmm - harmony), DivinePrinciple (Unitarian – can’t we just all get along?), Charge of the Goddess(writing my own Book Of Shadows) and other texts on paranormal activity (Boo! –yep, that‘s what I heard while the dishes flew off the counter…) as well asaliens (we don’t always come in peace)… I began to realize that everyone hasthe same principle. They allbelieve. Whatever it is, it is their ownbelief and they will defend it to the death (as proven MANY times in history),but why? Why does everyone believe thatthey are the correct ones and everyone else is wrong? Think about it, everyone believes that thereis a higher power (okay, that is wonderful); that there is something largerthan ourselves; something that moves us to be better people. I wonder if this is something that is builtinto our DNA from that higher power before we were ever created, hatched orrepositioned into this life. Theneed to have hope and love - somethingthat is unconditional to us (unreachable, but alas); that there is somethingcosmic out there that will save us from this life and bring us to a place wherewe can finally find peace and happiness; somewhere we will be able to feel thelove that we all long for and know that we will never be able to have until wepass into this other state of consciousness (death) and meet this all knowing,all powerful entity. Why do we have topass on before we are able to get this reward? I understand that this life is about lessons and learning as much as wecan to take with us unto the next position, but is this hell, purgatory (damn Catholics)? How are we not able to get the love andunderstanding that we all long for from each other? How have we become this bullshitexistence? We all want the same thing,to be loved and understood for whom we are and what we stand for, but yet, noneof us truly allow that. We have becomeso closed minded and self-examining (as well as outwardly) that we haveliterally closed off any thought of true peace and coexistence. I suppose that the need to fight and argue isalso in our DNA to keep us self-absorbed and narcissistic to a point where wehave lost track and sometimes faith in this humanity as a whole. To those whoassume that we are the ‘perfect machine’, let me tell you this, my toaster has been living next to my canopener for years and they have never fought or complained about anything andthey BOTH have the proper weapons to destroy each other if necessary. Maybe we need to learn how to repurpose ourselves,ask Aldous Huxley for that answer.

All I am trying to say is that we all come from the sameplace and go to the same place when we die. Heaven, hell, purgatory, Valhalla, the Summerlands… it’s all the sameplace just like God, Goddess, El Shaddai, Al-Rahman, Vaishnavism, Allāh, Yahweh,Ra, El, Krishna-Vasudeva, your own self or nothing at all (just to name a few),means the same thing. It is the deitythat you choose to support and believe in. It is just as varied as your very own fingerprint and just aspersonal. Why can’t we just sit back andallow these things to play out just as they are?

So enjoy your Christmas, Holiday, Yule, Kwanzaa, x-mas orwhatever you call it – just don’t forget to seal off the tin foil with ducttape on your head or E.T. won’t be able to send you a message.

2011-11-01T18:07:00.002-05:00

Borrowed from http://www.corvardus.f9.co.uk/religion/wicca/christvswicca.htm

Christianity vs Wicca

The age old debate in wiccan communities, why do they hold ill will to Christians? The consensus on this would be that they don't hold ill will to Christianity until Christianity displays ill will to Wicca. This page is intended for people who wish to know some the factors in this eternal struggle. These are common accusations given by some Christians as a rationale for their dislike of Wicca, with some rebuttals.

Slave of Satan?

People who are Christians have, on many occasions, considered witchcraft, Wicca, and many permutations and meanings of the word to be the slave of Satan, or in some way evil. Numerous websites on the internet such as thePerilous Times are examples of antagonism which are deemed unacceptable by many people, even Christians, not just to Wiccans.

Satan, and Satanism, is of Christian origin. The antithesis of Christian culture, beliefs, and doctrine. The all evil duality with the all good god. Wicca is of a pagan origin, no matter if you take a direct line through the Burning Times, or Wicca according to Gardner^{et al}. Wiccans, therefore, do not accept Satan as part of their religious constructs, as Satan is a Christian construct.

Wiccans also do not recognise the Christian extrapolation to non-Christian religions of the non-Christian religions being Satanic. Satanic religious connotations extrapolated onto non-Christian religions are, therefore, seen as a Christian construct.

Wicca has its own religious constructs to utilise obviously, therefore, have no interest in using another belief systems constructs into their own.

As an example: The moral and ethical standards called "The Rede".

The Rede "An it harm none do what thou wilt" is considered a core belief by the majority of wiccans. This means that the wiccan to is reinterpret their actions as it is potentially liable to have serious consequences, this applies to animals and on to the earth itself, not just limited to man. This is extrapolated onto the wiccan him/herself, as well.

This requires the wiccan to accept the consequences of their actions, and therefore an 'evil' act will bring unnecessary consequences which would be obviously bring unwelcome consequences back. If the action was undertaken the wiccan would be self-harming, hence being contrary to the Rede. As all consequences have the practitioner at the root, the wiccan will not try and attribute it to a "higher power" as members of a number of mainstream religions have done, at some stage in their history.

The One True Way?

Wiccans, in general, believe that there are numerous ways in getting in touch with the divine source. The path being dependent on the person who is on the path to the divine. Wicca, therefore, is good for the Wiccan and Christianity is good for the Christian, and same for all other religions.

Forcing a religion on to those not compatible with it is, therefore, looked upon as subjugation of the persons natural free will and freedom of religion.

All religions are acceptable in wiccan communities. Wiccans are not "one true wayers" in which only one prescribed methodology of entry to heaven is acceptable, and the rest are wrong. If a heaven is to be believed in the actions of the person at the gates are judged, not on the belief system used in their life, so a Muslim, Christian, Buddhist, even a Satanist, or whatever, would get into heaven if they lived their life in an ethical manner.

Wiccans are tolerant of other religions and this only deviates when the said religion does not reciprocate the gesture.

This is in contrast with Christianity, which officially believes that their religion is the only way to god, and the rest are barking up the wrong tree. It seems that entry into heaven is likened a club whereby you have to identify yourself with one belief system and one alone, and the tendency for the Christian practitioners to attempt to convert (or save) those not already Christian.

These days the vast majority of Christians have become more tolerant than in the past, but even so militant remnants remain, and are allowed to grow.

"Wiccans Reject Christianity/Jesus"

That particular comment needs to be placed in context. Pagans do not have Christianity's roots as its religious constructs. Wiccans do not reference a document [the bible] for teaching its members. Wiccans do not recognise an intermediary of divinity [Jesus].

These are not because they are rebelling against anything it is simply because they do not share the same roots for their literature or divine rationale.

Christians, sometimes, apply their own criteria for a religion without common frame of reference, and therefore others which are encountered are seen as evil, backward, or pathetic. The origins and, therefore, conclusions of this extrapolation are going to be flawed, as the paradigm applied is not compatible to that which it is being applied.

Wiccans recognise that knowledge of the divinity does not have to be through Jesus, knowledge of the divinity is via the wiccan individually, a personal relationship with the divine.

What is not the case is that this 'rejection' is disrespectful in any way, shape, or form with regards Christian faith, and doctrine. It must be reiterated Wiccans believe that no restrictions on the knowledge of the divine, or how one goes about it (within stringent and ethical parameters). Therefore all religions are acceptable for the participants which are currently in them.

Attempts of Subjugating Religious Freedom

Wiccans generally dislike the application and subjugation of a religious lifestyle from one religion to another, and are repelled where necessary. Events such as being sacked from a job because of religion (e.g.. Ralph Morse); being victimised in your own home, because of your beliefs; and even motivating a community to attempt the circumvention of basic human rights (e.g.. Army Boycott by Christian Groups) guaranteed by the 1^st Amendment (in the US Constitution) and the European Convention on Human Rights (Articles of Convention) appears to have sinister consequences for the population if a politician holding contrary views, than what protection these conventions bestow, gains significant power.

These violations are products of doctrine. It is about time, in the 21^st Century, that abrasive energies being pitted against what are, after all, members of your own society be pitted to more worthy goals. Aggressors, it would seem, are coming almost entirely from the Christian camp. Is the Wiccan presence on this planet such a threat that they are worthy recipients of genocide?

Do not Judge, Or you shall be Judged Yourself

The proof of the pudding is in the eating. Observe a wiccan rather than blindly judge them. Actions should be judged rather than beliefs. Put yourself in their shoes for a second. Would you have the guts to come out to people and say that you are Wiccan, in a community, under the current intolerant environment?

Would you be dismayed that your neighbours suddenly turning against you, potentially in a violent situation, just because of your beliefs? Wiccans, in certain parts of Europe and the United States are more at risk of getting physically attacked, for no good reason (other than their beliefs) yet these people are willing to take a risk to be Wiccan yet they still hold fast to their beliefs. That should say something about their religious conviction? And for those in the armed forces, they would lay their life down for the preservation of yours.

The Christians were, once, a minority religion in the first millennium. Persecuted throughout the middle east, the Roman empire and beyond, to be enlightened you do not circumvent your subjugator to be a subjugator, but this is exactly what appears to be happening. In most westernised countries the Church and State are generally separate, but even there the Church is capable of exerting its influence even in government in order for it to influence ratification (or denial) of certain laws, as the current US presidential election has proved.

Mending the Fence

Consider your actions before you execute them (based on your judgments) lest when you die and go to heaven you could potentially see a big ACCESS DENIED sign (assuming the pearly gates have been automated), instead of being ushered into the eternal grasp of paradise and we all know what the other place is like, don't we?

If the Christian way is the true way then the Wiccan will deal with that consequence of his/her own decision when the time comes. You will be happy in knowing that you have done the right thing, but if you take sinister actions against people consider that you may be the one burning in hell when all is said and done.

Wiccans are simply no threat to you, your spouse, or your family. Learn about them from their own literature as that is the best way to know what is really going on, as I am sure that you would request the same of any one else, before they judge yours!

Don't take someone else's word blindly in anything. Knowledge is power. Live and let live is the only request of the wiccan and perhaps a bit of understanding may not go amiss either.

Magic and electricity.

2011-10-27T18:59:00.002-05:00

“He just needs to either kiss the elephant in the room orhide his outrage, because the Lord and Lady are out of the bag”

Wow, that really says a lot doesn’t it? I guess that is kindly the best advice. The only problem is that if I educate herwith the knowledge that I have, can I trust that she won’t reciprocate to thisHarmonie girl? I wonder if it would bewise to contact her parents on this situation? From what I read in her notebook, her family life isn’t exactlywonderful, then again, when I read what all Taylor says about us, it reads the aboutthe same. I guess that teenagers justall think like this about their home life at this age. I recall doing the same thing, but that wasmerely because I didn’t have the experience nor knowledge that I have now toreflect on it like I have. Yes, therewere fights and yes, my parents didn’t do a lot of things right for me, butwhose parents do? None of us have atextbook outlining parenting and all the horrible things that can happen or gowrong by trying to teach our children right from wrong and doing it all whole heartedlyto the best of their benefit (we assume). If there was such a book, it would be flying off the shelves andeveryone would have it. This life is allabout lessons learned and being the best person you can through tough times aswell as the easy ones… Yes, we all makemistakes, mostly HUGE ones, sometimes taking down people with us, but againthat is the learning process that we are given by being here on this rock. Tragic, yes, but we all become better peoplebecause of it. Trust me, I have had somedoozies, and I will continue to make them since I am indeed human, I will justtry harder not to take anyone down with me, which in Wicca is almost a cardinalsin. ‘HARM NONE’ comes to mind a LOT when I do things these days… It’s really a hard call, but I think that Ishould definitely set her down and show her what all I know and believe to betruth and let the cards fall where they may. At least I would know that I did all that I could do…

I had a moment of reflection today. It was very intense and caused a lot ofemotions to get stuck in my throat. Iguess it was the music that I was listening to at the time via Pandora… Sometimes it strikes a nerve, but this waslike SEVERAL songs in a row that got me reeling back to a safer lesscomplicated time. I swear that for ashort time there I was authoring all my emails with my eyes closed.. Goddessonly knows what garbage I wrote them – I was indeed ‘checked out’. I decided that it was time for lunch, so Igot up and began to walk downstairs. Iwent in deeper still. It brought backall these memories of lost loves and fun times with friends. I don’t think that I was sleeping… No snoringand I was still able to eat my lunch, but man, that was just weird. VERY COOL, but weird. I could almost feel, smell and taste thememories… For example, I recalled goingto lunch with some friends to a Mexican place in Collin Creek mall back in thelate 80’s. I could almost smell the cornchips and taste the salsa. I recalled myemotions that I had at that moment and it ran over me like a mac truck. Sometimes my recall skills are a littlescary. But my heart was warm andfluttery at first – I visibly smiled in response – I could feel someone try to takemy hand under the table - and playing ‘footsie’ sitting across from one anotherin the booth. It is stuff like this thatfreaks me out the most; the physical feeling of things when I am in this kindof ‘trance’/mood. I followed this scenarioall the way out and became very sad once it was all gone. I could then feel the memorable pain that Ifelt when it was all over the first time like it had just happened. Heartbreak – that ping that you get whensomething you love with all your heart leaves or dies. It sucked. But I travelled through time into these places in my mind. I was there, reliving these events. I could feel the energy around me that eachplace offered me. It wasn’t all goodmind you and I reacted as such (visibly), reliving each event as I flowedthrough them like a ghost walking through walls. Each step that I walked became anothermemory. I would turn my head away andsomething else would be there. I waswaiting for the moment of enlightenment and it came in a rare form. Standing on the steps at Plano Senior Highschool just outside the cafeteria – being screamed at for cheating – I feel aslap on my face and I reel back, damn there is that ping again – as the stingof the slap begins to wear off, I am dragged through all my worst moments of myfailed relationships that my mind will allow me to recall. All the times in North Dakota with Jeff –living with Norm in Dallas – The feel of cold steel as Dennis pushed the barrelof a loaded gun to my forehead. Things thatI never wanted to think about much more or less relive. I just couldn’t shake any of this and I wasbeginning to show visible wear and tear, so I went outside to smoke. As I stood there in the FREEZING cold, Ifought the images away and fell back into my happy place. Man, I blew it. I know that none of that was my fault and Ihad NO workings in how any of that played out. These boys were damaged from before me and I need to realize that, but Inow know where it all started from and the fact that I never went back therewith him and talked to him about it… it set a cataclysmic timeline in play forme. I was never able to find that ‘perfect’moment in time again, right before that slap – when I would be able to changethe course of my own history… Oh, and I come to find out that this whole thing was only over a course of about 30 minutes in real time. Crazy.

Have you ever experienced the feeling that you are somehowconnected to someone forever and that regardless of anything that happens toyou in your life or time that passes in between – that if you met accidentallyon the street that you would be able to still feel it… the electricity thatpasses between you and this other person… like a broken current now becomes whole again…that someone that you just could never ‘quit’…

Maybe I am just talking out of all the excess energy that Igained while taking this mind trip. I amprobably just crazy and eventually my brain will shut down and I will be a fullblown loony. Yeah, that sounds aboutright.

Ugh, she is at it again.. help me.

2011-10-26T18:30:00.000-05:00

Humm. We found anotebook that Taylor left on the kitchen counter – I am sure not on purpose –that seems to REALLY concern her father and me. She has a friend named Harmonie (which I still think is an alias, butwhatever, maybe her parents were hippies) who has entrusted Taylor not onlywith her personal grimoire, but she is GRADING this kid on it. Okay, let me say that again, she is GRADINGsome poor mislead baby Wiccan’s personal GRIMOIRE! What the hell is going on here and how thehell have I failed to express myself enough about this to her. She has obviously not listened to ANYTHINGthat I have told her about any of this and how she could possibly be doing irreversibleDAMAGE to this girl. I am just FLOOREDat this act and I don’t know how to even bring it up to her other than in herface. What am I going to have to dohere? She isn’t even SEEKER status andshe is GRADING someone on their spells? Which BTW, some of them were really hilarious. One was named ‘A Spell For Bigger Breasts’,well HELL, why didn’t I think of that years ago? I get that kids these days are all ready togrow up and grow out to attract ANYONE who will show them attention, butreally?? Ugh, after I was done rollingaround on the floor from uncontrollable laughter, I because almost sick to mystomach that such a glamour spell would be in the book and then given a B-grade because she didn’t use all her feelings in this spell… GOOD GODDESS, SHEIS NOTATING THE DAMN THING TOO?? Whatmakes her think that she is capable of teaching anyone anything when she hardlyknows anything herself? I have tried toexplain to her what something like this can do to someone – someone especiallyas weak minded as this poor lost sheep allowing and taking to heart TAYLOR’Sadvice and teachings.. WTF?? She couldeasily destroy this poor girls everything. You don’t mess with stuff you know nothing about. I get that she is trying to help and thatthis poor child is having some really bad stuff going on at home.. yeah, I readit, noose me later after all this is over… I have no problems with Taylor helping out and giving her opinions andadvice to this girl regarding her life issues, but the way that this book readsis like she has taken on a student and that is like a HUGE problem. I am not sure where she is getting a lot ofher information, all be it correct more than wrong, she doesn’t need to begiving it to this Harmonie girl. I thinkthat she is getting into my books and just writing it all down like it’sgospel, which again, is true, but she isn’t ready for that kind of knowledgeand she is proving it to me right there in that notebook. Christian didn’t lose him mind over it like Ithought, but he did say something that I don’t really recall. He said that he’d backed down from my notteaching her what I know… but he never told me that. In fact the last really bad fight that we hadwas over exactly that. DO NOT TEACH HERANYTHING. She is obviously not ready andcannot handle the information correctly. Well, that is for truth, but how the hell am I supposed to keep her frompreaching the wrong message.. How do Ikeep her from preaching at all? ThisHarmonie girl might of just jumped on her bandwagon because Taylor is herfriend, but if she knew the damage that Taylor was causing her, then she wouldn’tbe there listening to her and for SURE not allowing her to GRADE her on herbeliefs! Oh, my heart just sank into mystomach. Here is the true problem. She thinks that Wicca is ‘cool’ and that itfeeds into all the vampire/warewolf/dark emo bullshit that she wants to portrayherself as. I get the Emo thing, andhonestly I don’t care for it, but if that is how she wants to express herselfand she isn’t causing anyone any harm, which THIS is where I will stop.. Something needs to be done here. I have hidden all my books as well as my ownpersonal grimoire away from her prying eyes, but she is getting this stuff fromSOMEWHERE… If I find out that she hasbeen digging in my stuff, I will have to lock it all down somewhere. I don’t want to have to do that since buyinga lock cabinet will surely be expensive aside from that, I should be able totrust my kid and I am not able to anymore. If I had raised her Wiccan/Pagan then all this would make sense, but Ididn’t. She is a baptized Methodist anduntil she is old enough to throw that off and pronounce herself as a Wiccan orwhatever she wants to be, I don’t think that she should go this way. If I’d just been able to show her what all Iknew, maybe she wouldn’t be like this.. She is a heretic screaming ‘witch’ atthe top of her lungs. Blasphemy! I can’t believe that she would do somethinglike this. It breaks the first rule ofWicca- Do as thou wilt but harm none. SHE IS HARMING THIS GIRL. Harmonie probably just needs a psychologist and some meds to get pastwhatever issue she is going through at home. I have no problem with her pronouncing herself as a baby Wiccan, but sheneeds to seek someone that actually KNOWS SOMETHING, not some kid that justhappens to know how to pronounce ‘Celtic’ correctly, or just happens to knowthe ‘Wheel of the year’. She can reallyget herself into some major crap this way and I don’t approve of Taylor doingANYTHING that she is doing right now to this child, but how do I fix it? How do I get through and make her understandthe possible evil damage that she could be doing to this ‘friend’. I guess that I will need to have another talkwith her, but nothing seems to be getting in and she is SO interested in themystical and mysterious. How can youshut off a natural waterfall? Ugh, Ineed advice. I don’t know what else todo here. I will talk to her today when Iget home, but I don’t think that it will do her any good. HELP.

Wicca...

2011-10-26T17:47:00.002-05:00

WhatIs Wicca

Contrary to what those who choose to persecute or lie about us wish tobelieve, Wicca is a very peaceful, harmonious and balanced way of life whichpromotes oneness with the divine and all which exists.

Wicca is a deep appreciation and awe in watching the sunrise or sunset,the forest in the light of a glowing moon, a meadow enchanted by the firstlight of day. It is the morning dew onthe petals of a beautiful flower, the gentle caress of a warm summer breezeupon your skin, or the warmth of the summer sun on your face. Wicca is the fall of colorful autumn leaves,and the softness of winter snow. It islight, and shadow and all that lies in between. It is the song of the birds and other creatures of the wild. It is being in the presence of Mother Earthsnature and being humbled in reverence. When we are in the temple of the Lord and Lady, we are not prone to thearrogance of human technology as they touch our souls. To be a Witch is to be a healer, a teacher,a seeker, a giver, and a protector of all things. If this path is yours, may you walk it withhonor, light and integrity.

Wicca is a belief system and way of life based upon the reconstruction ofpre-Christian traditions originating in Ireland, Scotland, and Wales. While much of the information of how ourancestors lived, worshiped and believed has been lost due to the efforts of themedieval church to wipe our existence from history, we try to reconstruct thosebeliefs to the best of our ability with the information that is available.

Thanks to archaeological discoveries, we now have basis to believe thatthe origins of our belief system can be traced even further back to thePaleolithic peoples who worshipped a Hunter God and a Fertility Goddess. With the discovery of these cave paintings,estimated to be around 30,000 years old, depicting a man with the head of astag, and a pregnant woman standing in a circle with eleven other people, it canreasonably be assumed that Witchcraft is one of the oldest belief systems knownin the world toady. These archetypesare clearly recognized by Wiccan as our view of the Goddess and God aspect ofthe supreme creative force and predate Christianity by roughly 28,000 yearsmaking it a mere toddler in the spectrum of time as we know it.

Witchcraft in ancient history was known as "The Craft of theWise" because most who followed the path were in tune with the forces ofnature, had a knowledge of Herbs and medicines, gave council and were valuableparts of the village and community as Shamanic healers and leaders. They understood that mankind is not superiorto nature, the earth and its creatures but instead we are simply one of themany parts, both seen and unseen that combine to make the whole. As Chief Seattle said; "We do not ownthe earth, we are part of it." These wise people understood that what we take or use, we must return inkind to maintain balance and equilibrium. Clearly, modern man with all hisapplied learning and technology has forgotten this. Subsequently, we currently face ecologicaldisaster and eventual extinction because of our hunger for power and a fewpieces of gold.

For the past several hundred years, the image of the Witch has beenmistakenly associated with evil, heathenism, and unrighteousness. In my humble opinion, these misconceptionshave their origin in a couple of different places.

To begin, the medieval church of the 15th through 18th centuries createdthese myths to convert the followers of the old nature based religions to thechurches way of thinking. By making theWitch into a diabolical character and turning the old religious deities intodevils and demons, the missionaries were able to attach fear to these beliefswhich aided in the conversion process. Secondly, as medical science began to surface, the men who were engagedin these initial studies had a very poor understanding of female physiology,especially in the area of a women's monthly cycles. The unknowns in this area played very wellwith the early churches agenda lending credence to the Witch Hunters claims andauthority. The fledgling medicalprofessions also stood to benefit greatly from this because it took the powerof the women healers away giving it to the male physicians transferring therespect and power to them.

Unfortunately these misinformed fears and superstitions have carriedforward through the centuries and remain to this day. This is why many who follow these natureoriented beliefs have adopted the name of Wicca over its true name ofWitchcraft to escape the persecution, harassment and misinformation associatedwith the name of Witchcraft and Witch not to mention the bad publicity thepress and Hollywood has given us simply to generate a profit.

WhatWitchcraft is:

Witchcraft is a spiritual system that fosters the free thought and will ofthe individual, encourages learning and an understanding of the earth andnature thereby affirming the divinity in all living things. Most importantly however, it teachesresponsibility. We acceptresponsibility for our actions and deeds as clearly a result of the choices wemake. We do not blame an exteriorentity or being for our shortcomings, weaknesses or mistakes. If we mess up or do something that bringsharm to another, we have no one but ourselves to blame and we must face theconsequences resulting from those actions. No ifs, ands or buts and no whining...

We acknowledge the cycles of nature, the lunar phases and the seasons tocelebrate our spirituality and to worship the divine. It is a belief system that allows the Witchto work with, not in supplication to deities with the intent of living inharmony and achieving balance with all things.

The spells that we do involve healing, love, harmony, wisdom and creativity. The potions that we stir might be a headacheremedy, a cold tonic, or an herbal flea bath for our pets. We strive to gain knowledge of and use thenatural remedies placed on this earth by the divine for our benefit instead ofusing synthetic drugs unless absolutely necessary.

Wiccan believe that the spirit of the One, Goddess and God exist in allthings. In the trees, rain, flowers,the sea, in each other and all of natures creatures. This means that we must treat "allthings" of the Earth as aspects of the divine. We attempt to honor and respect life in allits many manifestations both seen and unseen.

Wiccan learn from and revere the gift of nature from divine creation bycelebrating the cycles of the sun, moon and seasons. We search within ourselves for the cyclesthat correspond to those of the natural world and try to live in harmony withthe movement of this universal energy. Our teachers are the trees, rivers, lakes, meadows, mountains and animalsas well as others who have walked this path before us. This belief creates a reverence and respectfor the environment, and all life upon the Earth.

We also revere the spirits of the elements of Earth, Air, Fire and Waterwhich combine to manifest all creation. From these four elements we obtain insight to the rhythms of nature andunderstand they are also the rhythms of our own lives.

Because Witches have been persecuted for so many centuries, we believe inreligious freedom first! We do not lookat our path as the only way to achieve spirituality, but as one path among manyto the same end. We are not amissionary religion out to convert new members to think the same as we do. We are willing to share our experience andknowledge with those who seek our wisdom and perspective however. We believe that anyone who is meant for thispath will find it through their own search as the Goddess speaks to each of usin her time and way. Wiccan practicetolerance and acceptance toward all other religions as long as those faiths donot persecute others or violate the tenant of "Harm None."

WhatWitchcraft is not:

More information about Witchcraft is available in the Frequently AskedQuestions section, but in the interim, here are the main points.

Witchcraft or Wicca is not a cult. We do not proclaim ourselves to be spokespersons for the divine or tryto get others to follow us as their leaders.

We do not worship Satan or consort with Demons. Satan is a Christian creation and they cankeep him. We do not need a paranoidcreation of supreme evil and eternal damnation to scare us into doing the rightthing and helping others. We choose todo the right thing and love our brothers and sisters because it IS the rightthing and it feels good to do it. Isuppose it is a maturity thing.

We do not sacrifice animals or humans because that would violate our basictenant of "Harm None." Anyonewho does and claims to be a Wiccan or a Witch is lying.

We have no need to steal or control the life force of another to achievemystical or supernatural powers. Wedraw our energy from within, our personal relationship with the divine andnature.

We do not use the forces of nature or the universe to hex or cast spellson others. Again, "Harm None"is the whole of the law.

Witches have a very strict belief in the Law of Three which states thatwhatever we send out into our world shall return to us three fold either goodor bane. With this in mind, a"True Witch" would hesitate in doing magick to harm or manipulateanother because that boomerang we throw will eventually come back to us muchlarger and harder then when we threw it.

This is not to say that Witches are perfect, we are human too just likeeveryone else and make mistakes and errors in judgment. Just as there are parents who love andnurture their children, there are parents who abuse their children. As there are many who devote their lives togiving and helping mankind, likewise there are those who devote their lives totaking advantage of and using people for their own gain. Unfortunately the same flaws in human natureapplies to witches too.

Most of us continually strive to consider all potential outcomes of ourthoughts and actions pausing to seriously consider the consequences beforeundertaking a ritual, spell or rite that could go astray. It is when we follow the path with the loveof the Goddess in our hearts and adhere to the basic tenant of the Reed thatour works are beneficial and we achieve harmony and balance with all things.

The heart of Wicca is not something summed up into a few short words andcan often take on different meaning to each since the Lord and Lady touch us indifferent ways. To gain a fullerunderstanding of the Craft, I urge you visit the other pages on this site aswell as following the links to a select group of exceptional Wiccan and Witchcraftsites. Through the wisdom and words setdown through the ages, you will find that you are able to understand the basisof our beliefs and how they may apply to you. Your inner voice will also quickly let you know if the intent of whatyou are reading is for superficial purposes to benefit self instead of workingto benefit the whole. Remember to readwith your heart, for it is when you see life and the world with your heart andspirit that you truly gain an understanding of what Wicca is.

BlessedBe!

2011-10-25T18:58:00.002-05:00

Okay so here I am sitting at work and finally able to typeagain. My shoulder/back/arm is better. About damn time too… I don’t think that Icould stand it much longer. It is stillsore here and there like when I get out of bed, but it gets better as I use itmore. I guess that the night that Islept in the bed did the trick, then again, maybe it was Maggie’s HUGE buttlaying on it all night… That would makemore sense to me. Speaking of Maggie… Todaywe had the carpet cleaner people come and in do the apartment (freebie from thecomplex for signing another lease), well Madison walked in from school and thefloors were still wet… Without missing a beat, she said “Humm, it’s like Maggiepeed all over the place.” Poor Mags, shegets such a bad rap most of the time. Ifeel almost bad for her. She’s such agood dog and Madison just called her out like that, it’s just wrong. Funny, but wrong. On top of that, Jae forgot that they werecoming, so he wasn’t prepared for them. He had all his things on the bed, so they went around the outside leaving all the crud that was there in thecenter of the room under his bead. Crap ofTaylor’s that we will obviously going to have to get up on our own. This was one of the main reasons to havingthem come was to get that room ready for Noel to move in next weekend, butsince he wasn’t ready for them, well the floor looks the same as before. I am sure that Christian can rent somethingif it’s really obvious. Taylor ruinedthat room with make-up and all kinds of other crap that we thought we couldtrust her with, but alas, no… so here we are having to rent a machine to dothat carpet (not for free). BOO! Typical. That is just our luck. Jae said thathe didn’t recall Christian telling him it was today and I believe him. I mean he has no reason in the world tosabotage a carpet cleaning… that would just be stupid. Christian said that he recalls telling him afew times that it was today, but Christian tells a lot of people a lot ofthings, but that doesn’t mean that it’s the right people being told the rightthings. I know that he told me onlybecause he reminded me to take everything off the tables and such so that hecould get them off the floor. That wasthe only reason I even remembered. I amsure that he said it, even a few times, but if he’d not reminded me to cleanoff the tables, I would have been doing it after he got home this morning fromwork after he yelled at me for not doing it last night. Jae has his own agenda going on right now (aswe all do) and he just forgot. No biggie. We will get it done at some point. No worries. Here’s my question though… why didn’t we schedule that AFTER Jae movedout? I think that I recall the carpetpeople only being there a few days a week and that more than likely was thereason, but we could of dine it next week when they were back in the complex,right? Whatever. They came, they cleaned, they gone. I am sure that it looks at least a littlebetter than before. Oh, and did Imention IT WAS FREE?? Ugh..

So this last week at a glance. Humm, well Christian has been working sinceSunday night and won’t have a day off till next Sunday. I guess that’s good. We miss him, but it seems to be workingout. Oh, I need to make sure thatMadison gets her bath tonight and that I schedule Taylor’s psych appointment –she is almost out of her drugs.. I don’t know how we will afford the doc ANDthe meds, but it has to be done. Less foodor something this week I guess. I don’treally have anything super cool to report here. I am able to do laundry and dishes again. Whoot. I can sleep without waking up every 4 hours in howling pain searchingfor my pain meds like a junkie. That isalways good. I was starting to thinkthat I was going to need a 12 step program to get past that stuff. I am not normally someone who will takemedication for little pain.. I can handle that stuff, it’s the BIG pain that Ican’t handle which turned me into a Motrin/Aleve junkie. My body was so used to the schedule that itwould wake up on the DOT and beg for more relief from the pain. This is an injury that I would never wish on anyone. I don’t know how baseball players continue toplay in situations like that. I’m NOT apuss by any stretch of the imagination, but I was a HUGE baby through this one…and yet, take Hamilton for example.. He’splaying (HITTING) with a pulled left groin muscle. Uh, no, not me. I think that I would be the biggest baby and sit the rest of the seasonout, but he can’t because WE ARE IN THE WORLD SERIES! Currently in the lead too… with last night’swin we are 3 and 2 Rangers. I guess thatI could talk a lot of baseball stuff here, but I don’t think that anyone who actuallyreads my blog would care to hear it come out of my mouth.

So as I said before, Jae moves out this week and Noel moves innext week. Change is good, but I justgot used to Jae being there… and now I will have to get used to Noel moving in… I am hoping that some things will changethere in the house with her being in it, but we’ll see. I hope that there isn’t any fighting, but Iam sure that there will be. Peoplefight.. that is just human nature. Christian and I fight and we’ve been together almost 12 years… So it’s bound to happen. I just hope that when it does, that there willnot be like a HUGE explosion. We allhave some learning to do of one another and this will be a crash course. It’s not that any of us are difficult by anymeasure, there are just some hot spot topics that I know will come up and wewill all lose our minds on, so it should be interesting. I know that we will all have it out at somepoint so why stress over it. It’sinevitable. I just hope that we don’tdrive her out. We all get crazy in thathouse sometimes and I know that her presence will be weird at first to them,but I am quite used to it living with my grand ma ma all my young years, it wasnice. Then again, she knew how stir thepot too… I seem to recall that as well. I will be glad that the kids will have someone there that will help themwith their homework and dinner. With mygetting home at 7:30 and Christian leaving by 6:15, that window of time isreally short and very important that those kids are getting homework done andso on. Sadly, because of his schedule,they don’t get any interaction with him during the week. He will sometimes make Madison some supperbefore he leaves, but he wakes up just an hour shy of when he needs to beleaving, so he gets up, gets dressed and leaves with no real interaction withthe children. They are both home no laterthan 3:30PM and he is still asleep… Well,not today… because of Madison’s recent disappearing act, he is now up and atthe bus top waiting for her. So, I guessthat is good. If he would come home andgo straight to bed.. well, hell, I don’t want to go straight to bed when I gethome, but I at least make an attempt to get up when I am needed. Thus falling asleep on the couch making melate for work, or falling asleep here, making me fired. I don’t want that.. so I guess that I willneed to go to bed earlier, but I just can’t seem to fall asleep before midnightand getting up at 6 the fuck o’ clock sucks my royal ass. Wake up in the dark, drive home in the dark..ugh all this darkness is depressing me. Eh,well it’s just one more thing that I signed up for when I said ‘I do’.

Speaking of ‘I do’… this next April is our 10^thyear anniversary. He has hinted at thingsthat he would like to see happen here, but I don’t know if we will be able toafford anything now that I am in the payment plan thing with the Department ofEducation. Yeah, I finally found a wayto get that damn thing taken care of. Idon’t know how I lost control of that, but damnit, they aren’t kidding aroundwith me anymore. In my last job the garnished my wages (15%!!) and this timeI am NOT going to let that happen. Icome to find out through this really nice kid at EOCCA that had I of made avoluntary payment AT ANY POINT, regardless of the amount, they wouldn’t legallybe able to garnish me. Thanks man, wherewere you 5 years ago when all thisstarted? You would think that all thatgarnishment would of paid for something against the principle, but oh no.. It’sstill like $32.000. who the hell knewthat ART SCHOOL was going to be THAT damn expensive? If I’d known that a (tech) school was goingto bankrupt me, I would never of done it. I would of dine something else. Maybenursing… That just sounds too damn high for the level of education that Iactually received. Hell, I didn’t evenget a diploma due to a math test that I never retook due to the fact that theone guy at the time that haunted my dreams was still going there and I didn’twant to accidentally run into him. Plusthere was some other drama there, so I never went back. I don’t think that would of fixed anythinganyways, I would still be here in this same spot regardless. Humm. Maybe I would have been offered more on this contract if I’d had anupper education, but probably not. I ama newbie here and that would be why I’m being paid less than my team mates. Oh well, it will get better next year.

ANYWAYS… I am in thispayment plan so they won’t take our tax return come April.. but because we hadto start it late, it doesn’t look like we will be able to file for our taxestill June or possibly July. You see it’sa 9 month payment plan that will get me back in good standing with the EOCCAand until I complete this stupid thing (at $233.00 a MONTH mind you..) they canstill take our taxes and apply it to the balance. Knowing my luck, they will take all of itjust for the principle of it all even after I’d completed this damn payment plan. Oh, and if at any point any of the debitsfrom our account bounces, I will not only be taken out of the program, but Iwill not be offered it again. Doesn’tthat sound just delightful? Brendan ismy account manager there at EOCCA and he seems to understand all the crap thatis going on in my life that has caused all this crap to go into default, but hecan’t make any exceptions – he was able to get like some of the accrued tax offthe account. I think that he saidsomething like $6000, which in reality is really a small fraction in comparisonto the full debt, but it’s something.

Oh, look it’s time to go home. I guess that I will write more tomorrow sinceI know that I will be bored again towards the end of my shift. Well, thanks for reading and I apologize forthe randomness.. but that is just who I am.

2011-10-09T22:44:00.000-05:00

Talkabout your lost weekend! Man. I was really hurting Thursday night so I took atramadol and passed out thinking that would help. Well, I woke up Fridaythrowing up and in so much pain in my shoulder that I was beginning to thinkthat I was throwing up because of the pain. I called into work and tried to lieback down. I woke up in so much pain that I wasn't able to do anything otherthan scream and cry. I took another tramadol and Christian decided that he wasgoing to take me to the ER right then. So off we went to the ER. I got thereand they were really nice, but I was in so much pain that I couldn’t seestraight. They took x-rays and wrote a script for hydrocodone, which was finesince that was what I was taking at the rally last weekend that seemed to help.They fed me 100MG hydrocodone before we left and we thought that would be theend of it, OH WERE WE WRONG. That night, my neck and back cramped up. It wasfrozen in a position that I couldn't hold. The pain started from my spine andradiated through my left arm and into my fingers. I swore that I was having a heartattack and I got really scared. I the meds that they prescribed with includedflexerill and naproxen had not been filled because I wasn't feeling that badlast night. I couldn't move anything and the pain was so intense than I wasliterally screaming. I really had to pee, so I got out of bed in horrible pain andwent to the bathroom. I couldn't move anything, so there I was stuck in my ownbathroom not able to wipe because I couldn't turn to reach the paper. Now mindyou this is like 4 in the morning. I am screaming in my bathroom trying not towake anyone up, but that was just not possible. I hear Christian get up and getdressed. He goes to my purse and gets out the scripts and leaves thehouse. I am left there on the toilet tosuffer as loudly as I could. I find a positionthat makes the pain manageable and get up, turn around, grab paper and wipemyself as best as I can. I am not ableto get my pants back up so I shimmy then back up using my right hand.. This is not easy and I don’t recommend it toanyone. I make my way to the couch andsit there.. screaming. I get up andstart pacing around the room trying to work out the pain, but nothingworks. He finally comes home with themeds and something to eat since the hydrocodone needs to be taken withfood. I quickly gobble up what I can ofthe breakfast that he presented me and swallowed all my meds. I have decided by this point that I am nothaving a heart attack, but that my shoulder is the culprit. I thought that I tore the muscle since that washow it was feeling for a few months so far, but that it was frozen and lockedin place. The pain pills didn’t touchthe pain nor did it do anything but make me sleepy, so I tried to sleep, butevery time that I would wake up, the pain was worse than when I went to bed inthe first place. So I got up and pacedsome more in hopes that I could walk it out. Possibly find some kind of comfort, but alas, again, to no availChristian takes me back to the hospital. I am in such pain that once I get there I am screaming at the top of mylungs and I am informed by the triage nurse that I am scaring the otherpatients and she is not able to assist me until I calm down. Now if I have EVER thought about senselesshomicide, this was the moment, but I tried to calm down enough to get thevitals and crap done. They finally takeme back into a room and I am still screaming. The nurse comes in and they have to cut my shirt off so I can get a gownon, since I was not able to move my shoulder without hitting someone. The same nurse that I saw a few hours earliercame in the room. It took him a minute,but he remembered me. By this point thecramp had slowed down and I was back to a more manageable place pain wise. Sowhen he saw me, I wasn’t screaming anymore. We went back through the same questions that we had before and heskipped around since he remembered most of it from earlier. I was released again without any thing doneother than I had another script for pain. Great, THAT isn’t working, so let’s just give her MORE.. I get home and I am still not able to managethe pain. I take all the meds again andstart to wonder how long this will actually last. We had originally invited some friends overto watch the Aggies play, but Christian had cancelled the event due to myinjury. Well, I am not getting anybetter, so I tell him that he can have his friends over if he wants to, but hedeclined. Crystal still came over andshe brought cookies, so she was welcome to stay.. LOL. I was not getting any better, and the lockedmuscle was just getting worse. Crystalfinally said, hey, if you are cramping up showing favoritism to your neck,maybe it’s not your shoulder after all and it’s your neck. So she gave me some exercises to do, andafter doing them a few times, the screaming stopped and I was able to move.Damn, I love that girl. She’s a betternurse than the one at the hospital. Sheis going to make a wonderful doctor once she finishes her N.P. classes. So today I am really sore, but nothing morethan that. The meds are able to work nowthat I am not in a screaming ball of pain. I know that I did a whole lot of damage to my back and it will take awhile to heal, but I am fine with that as long as what happened with thatlocked muscle doesn’t ever happen again. It was the most pain that I have been in since I labored Madison and I am just not in the mood to go through that again.

I am still really sore.. like I'd been working out for a few days without stopping. I am pretty sure i've got some nerve damage from this and it will take days to get past it, but I will still take this over what it was.

2011-10-06T16:34:00.001-05:00

Man, this sucks. I don’t know whatelse I can do other than go to the hospital and just take the hit, but I havePLANS this weekend.. ugh, what a bother… this pain… I guess that I will jstcontinue to abuse non perscriptive drugs until I am not feeling ANYTHINGanymore. I have become a HUGE baby in my later years and I am sick to death ofpain and anything having to do with that notion. So here I am at work, counting off theminutes until I am able to take more Aleve. Last night really sucked. I didn’tthink that I could possibly get any worse, but because of the way that I slepttrying to protect my shoulder, now my neck feels like I’ve strained ittoo. So yeah, I am jacked up all the wayaround and Aleve isn’t really helping. Iguess that I will sleep on the couch again tonight, but maybe I will lie alittle differently this time in hopes that I won’t make it any worse. I am sure that just sitting here doing my jobis making it worse, but I can’t npt do that.

I was up this morning at 5:45 on the nose, practically screaming at thetop of my little lungs. This is justawful and I am SO OVER THIS SHIT. I justwant to stop hurting. Actually I want tofind that stupid whatever it was that was trying to yank me out of bed thatnight and kick it square in the face. Iwas just able to lay on that side again and enjoy sleep once more, but here weare again all fucked up because whatever that thing was wouldn’t let go ofme. I am most certain that it was all adream and I was in twilight when it happened, but it sure felt real and myshoulder being all fucked up sure as HELL isn’t a dream. Damnit.

I guess that tonight I will try to sleep sitting up a little more. Maybe try the chase instead of the couch, cuzthat sure as hell made things worse. Idon’t know what else to do other than go to the ER, which I know that I need todo. I am just causing more damage to itby NOT going and I will heal a ton faster if I can get some help fromthem. Maybe I will go Friday night andsee what all they say. I am not sure ifthis is still parts of my last injury that took several YEARS to heal… probablynever healed right to start with.. Can I still sue Kaner for that crap? I know that they gave me ‘free’ physicaltherapy – which I had to do on my lunches… plus the cortisone injections andpain meds which only made me want to throw up all the time.. pretty sure thatthey were black market – those shady assholes. Wish that I could sue their butts, but I know that will inevitably endNoel’s job there. They are just likethat.

It’s now effecting my entire back and posture. I hate this and I guess that I will just haveto go regardless of the money situation. I have no insurance, which I am not sure why I wasn’t put on Christian’slast year when we added Taylor… oh wait, we added her over the spring while Iwas working at Pickett. This wasn’tChristian’s decision it was my father’s since he didn’t want to carry heranymore on his. I don’t really rememberwhy though. I thought that was part ofthe decree of the conservitorship agreement, but maybe I’m just crazy, that isALWAYS possible. I know that it wassomething about Chrisian wanting to claim her on the taxes, but not pay for herinsurance. We were already having someissues with her living expenses, but we were getting by. This seems to be a familiar scenario with himand his money… however, I am going tothe damn ER on Friday night.. I know that I am just creating more damamge as Igo on without the help. Maybe I can pleato someone to help with the money.. Iknow that there is some private funding out there for sugical proceedures…which sadly, I think that this will become. I don’t think that the original injury healed right and here I amdealing with it again because of that fact. I need to stop talking about doing it, and fucking DO IT. I don’t know what they will be able to do forme though… The last time that I was in the ER because of this, they gave mesome pain meds and sent me home. Maybethat is all that they can do? Or allthat I need at this point? Pain meds..yeah.. Man, I sound like a junkie, but when you are in pain like this and allyou can do is pray that some sleep will find you along with some comfort hereand there through out the day… you get really sick of hurting and you findyourself needing the pain pills. Justhope that you will be able to get off them when you are healed. We will see what the ER peeps will tellme. I am almost certain that they willjust send me home with a script and nothing else will come of it. Yeah, I am going to just do it.

Arkansas!

2011-10-05T13:46:00.002-05:00

Here I am sitting at my desk listening to The Rolling Stone interviewwith John Lennon. I am all caught up on my work from the holiday and now I amjust sitting here thinking about my shoulder and the pain that it is causingme. I have been smoking WAY more thannormal due to it and last night I slept on the floor.. Yeah, that didn’t doit. I just don’t know what I will haveto do about this, but the pain is constant and to the point where I am such abitch to everyone that I know. It’scausing depression and I don’t want to do anything including moving enough tofeed myself once I get home. I guessthat I will need to try another mode of sleep tonight since last night didn’twork. I know that over the weekendholiday to Arkansas I had access to hydrocodone and that was wonderful becauseI was actually able to enjoy myself instead of cry the whole time much like Iam doing the last few weeks prior and the last few days since. No insurance, so no doctor or ER visit. I wouldn’t be able to afford the pain medsanyways, so here I am, sitting at my desk listening to the Rolling Stoneinterview with John Lennon. His birthdayis in a few days and he would have been 71 this year. I get like this around this time ofyear.. I guess that he is SO ingrainedin my brain that I now do it unknowingly. I am the same way around the beginning of December because of his assassination. I guess that the sound is soothing eventhough it’s really funny to hear him cuss and sound mostly dumbfounded by someof the questions that are being fired at him. I see that there are like 15 pieces to this interview, so this shouldlast a little while. I think it’s funny.

So I guess that Ibest share the weekend. Well, we went toBikes, Blues and BBQ rally in Fayetteville Arkansas. To be honest, I don’t think that I heard anyBlues and I only saw maybe two places that sold the BBQ, which Christian and Ihad to partake in since that WAS part of the name of the rally.. But there werelike a MILLION bikes there, who ran up and down Dickson street all day andnight rev’ing their engines and skidding their wheels.. The custom bikes and addedlight kits totally made this rallyawesome. The people there were allreally nice and I loved the energy there. I will have to admit that the days and nights all run together, so I am going to try to get it allout in order…

We left Thursday morning once we kicked Taylor out the doorto go to school. We got to McKinney by 8:45amand met Sean and Anne there for breakfast at chic-fil-a. She made us aware of her ‘issues’ (UTI) then,so that we would be better prepared for her attitude which we got the brunt ofmost of the weekend. In fact, she wasn’teven into the trip until Sunday when we were ready to leave. She announced to Sean Friday morning that shewould like a rental car and would like to go home. Which didn’t happen, but she fought it mostof the weekend. Between the sea saltbaths and AZO, I think that she was better most of the day on Saturday even thoughSean still dropped her off early so that she could sleep it off and he could goback to Dickson and drink with other bikers, but Sunday like I said, she wasready to party and hang out. Christianexplained to Jae that she was being a little bitchy snob, but if I’d had thatgoing on with me, I would of stayed home instead of going on holiday like shedid with us. She made the decision tosuck it up and go.. but she never really did suck anything up other than Sean’smood most of the weekend. I know thatshe was in pain and I knew that she needed some supplies to help her get overthe infection. I’ve had a UTI a fewtimes and I KNOW how horrible it can be, so I was very empathetic towards hermost of the weekend.

The run there was really cool. It’s nice running with another couple, but Ithink that we should better match our riding styles before doing thisagain. They were wanting to go, go, go..and we like to stop every 45 minutes or so to get a drink or a smoke… maybeeven some circulation in our butts. Wehad lunch at the same place in Antlers ( I think that was Antlers) that we wentto the last time.. Some BBQ place that I don’t seem to remember the nameof. Really good, but because of therally, they were really busy and we didn’t get the same service that we got thelast time, so that was kind of disappointing but we still got fed, so I can’treally complain. We had dinner inFayetteville, but I don’t seem to recall where. I think it was on Dickson street.. or no wait.. we were looking for a liquorstore and we found that.. then we ate at..damnit, I don’t recall. I do recall my first (and only) drink that night in anIrish pub right off the Dickson strip. We’d done the parade and parked at the top of the hill walking downthrough the people just checking out the traffic of bikes who had come in afterus. It was really neat to watch the allday and all night parade of bikes that came through. We hit a few shops and decided that it wastime to go back to the cabin and go to bed, plus we had some drinks in the bikesthat we’d bought at the liquor store earlier that evening. Besides, Anne wasn’t feeling the love, so itwas a short time on Dickson street that night. Once we finally got back from therun to walmart, I ran Anne a bath along with the sea salt that I had gotten herand she took the AZO that I brought back for her also. I was determined to get her better so thatshe would enjoy the trip and so would Sean.

The cabin in Devil’s Den was just beautiful and I loved thecoziness of the place. We had alreadystopped there once we got into town to unload the bikes and relax just a fewmoments before our hunger for the rally grew out of control. This was my first rally and I am told that Ihave been forever spoiled going to this one first. I guess that I should ofgone to a horrible one first in comparison, but I think that Christian picked areally good one to start me out with.

Christian and I took the futon while Sean and Anne took the bed. I think that we won that toss since the futonwas WAY more comfortable than the bed that they had in that place. The first night I actually slept okay (withsome help from Sean and his pain meds that he brought for himself), so we gotup really late, made coffee that we had bought the night before at the grocerystore (walmart – I bought my BBB shirt there for like $10!!) in town (alongwith a few days’ worth of groceries) and I got up and ready to go to EurekaSprings for the day. Christian and Sean had made some breakfast at thecabin. Christian had introduced thefried egg sandwich to the house and everyone wanted one, so the late nightsnack and breakfast that morning was fried egg sandwiches. I can’t complain since I love those damnthings… We finally got dressed andheaded out for the day. We headed out toEureka Springs and found ourselves in a long line of non-moving traffic. Come to find out that there had been a hugewreck up ahead and two bikes were involved. We had heard from the night before that there was a fatality the nightbefore involving a female rider and two other male riders. She’d lost control and took out herself andtwo others. I am not sure who died, butit seemed to be a really huge topic of conversation around Dickson street.

So here we are on a Friday afternoon sitting in traffic,Christian takes this a sign to turn around and go back to Dickson, so off wewent. We stopped at a biker party thatwe saw on the way there, but only stayed long enough to realize that this wasnothing more than a beer stop, which didn’t excite us, so we left. We left Anne and Sean there to drink a littlewhile he and I went to find food. I’dhad my shot already early that morning and I didn’t get a fried egg sandwichthat morning so here I was looking at 2:00 PM without any food in mybelly. We stopped at the first littlemom and pop stand that we came across which happened to be in a gas stationwhich was also a resale shop. We bothhad burgers and shared some apple cobbler which was homemade and reallyGOOD. It was topped with vanilla icecream which really made it good. Seanand Anne met up with us at the shop and they also got in some lunch. After that, we went back to Dickson Streetand hung out there for a while looking at shops and buying stuff. We tried to stick together, but we paired offsince Anne was needing to sit down somewhere shortly after we got down there. So we met them at USA PIZZA on the strip and leftthem at the pizza place and went out on our own, which I was fine with since Iwas really just wanting to hang with Christian like we normally do on these kinds of trips… and keeping up with theother couple seemed to be a bunch of confusion and trouble. Yes, she was highmaintenance, but again, she was in pain and I totally understood. So offwe went. We just hung out and watchedthe bikes go by and we started to realize that the cold front had begun tosneak in. Once we were done for thenight wandering around looking at things and waiting on my patch sewing (whichI remember the coleslaw and baked bean meal that I had while we waited – yumm!) we got on the bike and began to head back tothe cabin. This was one of the COLDESTrides back that I can recall. Umm, sincelast time when we came back from Arkansas back in April. It was SOOOO cold that when we got back tothe cabin, it was HOT bath, fried egg sandwich, powdered doughnuts, a few mixeddrinks and off to bed. Actually I think thatI missed the bath and went straight to the liquor… Anne had been in and out of the bath with thesalts and her painful UTI all day. Iguess that they went to Eureka Springs, but didn’t stay long since she seemedlike she’d been sleeping when we walked in. I didn’t want to catch it, so I think that I just put on my PJ’s anddowned a good sized Vodka tonic and went right to bed. Oh, took my hydrocodone, THEN bed. I still need to thank Sean for all themedical help from the weekend. I guess thatit was a good trade… He gave me pain meds and I took care of his wife and herUTI. Fair trade.

Saturday I woke up to NO PAIN, which was nice considering Ihave been dealing with this ailment for the last few months. We got up and got dressed to have a dayapart. Sean made Irish coffee, so Ijumped on that train almost immediately. They decided that they wanted to take another shot at going to EurekaSprings… Christian and I already hadplans to go see some football (Aggies) and grab some lunch. We went to a place called JJ’s in town. I thought that really funny. The food was great (two bloody mary’s AND a badassruben sandwich– very gooood!!) and the waitress was fantastic which was good considering theAggies lost their ASSES to ARKANSAS! Howembarrassing. We were doing really wellat the half too, but that ended up going south literally shortlythereafter. Lori texted me while we werelosing the game, so I was busy making plans so that Christian would have nodown time after such a letdown. Afterlunch we walked around some other tents that were at Baum stadium right offCollege Ave. It was supposed to be some HUGE tent sale with rally type stuffbeing sold there, but it was a HUGE disappointment instead and Lori text myphone again and we decided to meet at Applebee’s off College Ave. for a drinkand some catching up.

We set out to meet them and ran across the “official” paradethat came down College Ave. every year for the rally. Whole families and pets were lined up and downthe street watching the parade and waving at everyone. It was really cool to see all these peopleout and being so positive at this once a year invasion on their town. We finally get to the restaurant and I giveher a call. They are still at the mall,so we sit and wait. After about 20 minutesor so, they finally pull up. It wasgreat to see them after all these years and they looked older, but thesame. I got to meet one of the kids,that was still in a baby carrier the last time that I saw them. Of course talk went to the old days andthings about Jeff that I’d forgotten had come back up and I immediately becameuncomfortable. Christian was able tohold his own even though he went outside for a while to make a call and get outof this weird situation. We ordered someonion rings and sat around talking for a little over an hour. It was really nice to be able to talk to themafter so many years considering how Ileft it off before. (Another story for another day) We pay, walk out and I get a quick snapshotwith them. Christian and I go back toDickson street to walk around some more and find him a shirt. We go to the pizza place that we left Seanand Anne at the night before and we grab a table against the fence facing outacross the patio. The weather wasbeautiful and the atmosphere was electric. I loved this moment. Just he andI at a semi Italian restaurant sitting at a corner table facing out towards allthe patrons with our backs against the fence. It was just a magical moment for me and it’s etched in my head as theoverall feeling of the trip. The pizzawas really good, but I just couldn’t finish it. Neither could Christian, so thatwas a good sign. Then again, we’d justhad onion rings and such with Lori and Cal at Applebee’s not but maybe 45minutes before, so I wasn’t all that hungry, but the pizza was good enough toeat on a full stomach… I loved beingwith him and wandering through the crowds looking at everything. He is always such a good partner even thoughI sometimes go off in left field to see what he’ll do. We wandered around for a few hours andfinally decided to get all bundled up and head back to the cabin. He bought me a heavy bandanna which I woreover my face and a sweatshirt to keep me from freezing all the way home. I coupled it with my leather vest and denimjacket, so I was WAY warmer this run back to the cabin than the night before whenI was a frozen biker chicsicle. We gotback to the cabin, which is a good 30 minute ride on the highway and backwoods,got into the cabin and noticed that Anne was asleep, but no Sean. Anne had texted us earlier in the eveningasking if we’d seen Sean while we were walking around Dickson. We never found Sean, but Christian and himdid text back and forth while we were looking around at the shops. He said that he was leaving shortly after wewere, but here we are, back at the cabin with no Sean. Anne gets up out of bed professing that sheis feeling better (due to the AZO and the sea salt baths – you are welcome) andwe are all glad to know that she is starting to get into the groove of thetrip, however, it is now Saturday night and we are leaving in the morning…Timing isn’t her greatest strength, but again, a UTI will definitely changeyour mood, so again I was happy that she was feeling better. Again, I pour a Vodka tonic since now thishas become part of the med ritual before I go to sleep. Christian had already passed out WAY beforeme, so I sat up watching LOGO until I passed out.

The next morning which was Sunday, Christian seemed out ofsorts. I tried to ask him what was goingon, but I think that he was just not wanting to leave and go back to thechildren, jobs, stress… I understoodthat and didn’t bother him about his mood any more. We got to packing the bike. For someone who wasn’t wanting to leave, hesure did get that bike packed up in record time. We had to leave a LOT of food in the cabinsince we couldn’t take it with us. Wetook the liquor though and had that all bundled up in the trunk. Sean and Anne had already expressed the needto go back to Dickson street so that Anne could shop… Now that she felt bettershe was wanting to get in a 4 day trip in a few hours… We had decided that we were going to go backalone since they were going to the rally and we really didn’t need to go back..They had some issues repacking since they didn’t leave any room for error orgifts before, so it was interesting watching them repack the bike. Once he finally got everything packed on andtightened down, we hugged and went on our way home. It was still kinda cold out and I was readyfor it, but once we got out of the state park and a good way down the road Ihad to shed some clothes… We caught aquick lunch and headed back to Euless. We got into town around 6:30 ish only to be stopped by hywy 121 closure,which held us up a good hour more. So wewere late getting home and we were tired and ready to go to bed, but we weremet by a cute little 7 year old, a half-crazed 14 year old and a very grumpymother in law, which made up want to get back on the bike and just keep going..well, minus the cute little 7 year old… that was why we stayed.

I loved this trip and I am looking really forward to thenext one. I think that since we havedone this trip already, then we are going to trailer the bike(s) nextyear. Just getting too old and crotchetynot to.

Christian and me at JJ'S

Sean and Anne

Cal, Me and Lori

My frozen self!

Rough Road.

2011-09-28T13:59:00.000-05:00

Merry meet my Blogger friends. I am writing you today to wish you a blessedWednesday and a shower of love for the weekend as I ride my eight hours intoArkansas. I have had like 4 hours ofsleep and I am doped up on Aleve, so anything is possible today. I hope that the day goes fast and I am ableto catch a nap tonight. The girls areall out of school today due to the parent/teacher conference that I attendedthis morning. Come to find out that I amnot the only one seeing issues with Madison’s reading ability and hearing. It was requested that she be tested for dyslexiaand have a hearing test done. I knowthat she had some issues when she was an infant, but I guess that I didn’tthink it would of continued on into her childhood and school. She has another issue going on right now, andI think that is effecting her schooling… she is going through precocious puberty and that seems to have someissues related to developmental aspects in her growing up. I know that I need to get her checked andhonestly I don’t know why I haven’t done it yet. I think that I am still holding on to the factthat she is the perfect princess and nothing could ever go wrong with her, butI know that I am showing her a great disservice by NOT getting her checkedout. I need to find a good pediatricoffice that is close. Sad that I am nolonger employed by one so that she could get seen for free, but I need to getout there and find one for her before anything else comes up. That and a dentist for her. There is only so much oragel in the pharmacybefore it becomes habit forming. She hasHUGE holes in her teeth and these are the ones that don’t fall out until she islike 11 or 12 years of age, so I think that I can be safe in assuming that wehave to get these fixed and SOON. Shehurts and I shouldn’t just put it off, but the bills from the nut house staythat Taylor just had is starting to roll in and that is a HUGE pain in mywallet right now. I don’t know how I wasable to do… oh right, I was still married to Jeff… the military paid forit. I remember now. Plus I still need toget my damn shoulder looked at, but I talked to ‘doctor’ Jae and I have beenwaiting too long in between aleve doses, plus I need to get Motrin which willhelp a little bit more with the swelling that is associated with what I did tomy back. Yeah, we decided that it is nolonger my shoulder but my back. If I applypressure to the sore spot, the tingling and pain almost completely dissipate. Thus, his deduction is that it is nervedamage possibly under the shoulder blade and the swelling is what is causingthe pain. So, now it is a back/nerve issue, which can be managed with Motrinand a LOT of warm patches or possibly even something OTC like Aspercreme. Well, that makes me feel a TON better… I wasthinking that I fucked up my rotator cuff like I did before… but now I am wondering if that was the correctdiagnosis in the beginning. The feelingis the same, except that this time, I can bring my arm up and over my headunlike before with the original injury. So I guess that this is something new. I DO know for damn sure that I will HAVE To stay doped up on the ridethere and back.. This morning about 4:30 AM I woke up screaming. I walked around for a while trying not towake the kids… I finally couldn’t takeit anymore and I took some aleve. When Christiancame home at 6:30, I was still cussing at it, but it was now in a much quietertone and I wasn’t wanting to punch out kittens or kick bunnies anymore. I need to make sure that I don’t miss thatdosage again. Last night and the nightbefore that was all the convincing that I needed to not miss that medicineagain. I think that I am going to moveto Motrin though since that is ALL ibuprophen and I will be able to get ahigher milligram that way… Maybe. I willlook tonight when we go to the store. Whichhe wanted to do on the bike to see how I fair.. really? I don’t think that too much will happen on a10 minute ride. It’s the EIGHT HOUR onethat I am worried about.. However, I am tethered to a phone for eight hours andhere we only get a break every two. Heis really good about stopping every 45 minutes or so for whatever reason.

Ugh, this day is going so fast! I don’t know if I am ready to get thison. But I do know that it is time totake another pill… oh and go to lunch…

2011-09-27T18:45:00.001-05:00

Well, I am still hurting from the reinjured shoulder. I have nothing left in my med cabinet otherthan Aleve, which I am stealing from James. I am irritated from the pain and I am totally having second thoughtsabout this 8 hour bike ride through the mountains where I will be immobilizedon the back of the vibrating bike. I amnot saying that I am not going to ignore these thoughts and go through with itanyways, but I am thinking about how much pain I will be able to endure on this trip. I know that Christian will be really niceabout all of it and stop as often as I need and I am going to be the bestlittle trooper I can be.. I need this vacation and I am not about to allow thisstupid pain to over throw my damn vacation. So here I am, wishing for something harder to kill this pain, but not toohard to kill my vacation. I know fromworking that I can stand it for about two hours at a time before I need to getup and move around. I don’t know how Iwill be with that bike seat though, it’s not tall enough for me to push myshoulder against when it gets to be too much. He said that I will be riding with him tomorrow night as a test run tothe store and so on to see how things feel. I haven’t been on the bike for more than a few minutes with it like this… Boy I hope that I can handle it. If not, I don’t think that I will tellhim. I want him to have a good time tooand not have to worry about me any more than he already does. Maybe I can get some Aspercreme or somethingtopical that I can use on it, cuz I think that I have become accustomed to thealeve. It only works for like a fewhours and then runs out… No 12 hour painrelief for me. It seems to hurt lesswhen I lean on it though.. so I am not sure exactly where the pain comes fromnor where I actually injured it. It sucks,that is for sure.

Thursday BLOWS.

2011-09-22T17:25:00.001-05:00

Ugh, I have had very little luck with anything today. I get up, get a shower, get dressed, go to CVS after dropping Taylor off at school to get her meds, and the discount card that I was given to use for a freebie isn't working, so I sit in the drive through for almost 20 minutes while they call the 1-800 number on the back for customer service. I am informed that I have to activate this card... (duh, idiot) so I call the number on it and do the 5 minute deal to activate it. 'Please state your name and address so we can send you a whole bunch of shit hat you will never read, then hit pound.' I finalize the process and hand the card back to the woman. I sit there for 45 minutes more and then tap on the glass... "Hey, I am going to work, can you call me when this is figured out?" They agree and I drive off, late for work... I go and head over to Mc.D's, which by this time I realize that getting gas would be a better idea considering I want to actually GET to work and not have to walk it regardless of how late I am going to be. So I go to the gas station, get gas, and think, 'well if I am going to be late anyways... I am really hungry... I didn't have any breakfast'... I decide that Mc.D's isn't that bad of an idea considering its in the same parking lot as I am right now anyways.. what's a few minutes more? Well, I get there, and the drive through is SO long that I think.. 'Well, maybe the inside isn't as bad'... so I park and go inside. You would think that there was a ZOMBIE convention going on in there. Looked like a graveyard.. No one was at the helm and once I finally got someone, they weren't from this planet. She was half asleep fighting to do her job. She looks at me and yawns. "May I help you?" 'Well, (I think...) You seem to need a bit of help yourself...' I say, "Two sausage biscuits and a large coke please." Every time I order that, I think about The Blues Brothers and Christian... (Two fried chickens and a coke.. anyways..) She stares at me as if I am psychic waiting for me to guess the price of my order... I already know it since that is all I ever order in the morning when I am blessed enough with change in my pocket to do so. I have the $3.25 waiting and extended out to her and she looks at me like I read her mind.. well, maybe she WAS waiting for a psychic response and now she had it - it blew her mind I guess since she just handed me a ticket, asked me if this was for here or to go, had another yawn and dissipated into the background of the restaurant. Like a ghost in a haunted Mc. mansion. I stood there for a moment expecting for my cup to materialize out of thin air following the feel of the moment, but instead a face came from the mist. She became clear and with her she held my breakfast in a bag and an empty cup. I can almost hear the clock in my brain ticking louder and louder as this scenario takes place. I look at her with urgency but not enough to scare her. Take the cup and fill it as fast as I can - then I am out the door. Okay, so I am in the car, reversing out of the spot that I happened to get right in front of the door. (I was proud of that, so shut up...) I am backing up and a car leaps into the drive through lane right behind me like I was aiming for that placement in line. She honks at me and I about jump out of my skin.. I don't know why, I knew that she was there, I watched her pull in for GOD's sake, but I did. I guess that jarred the lid off he coke that I just got because once I was out of the parking lot and safely on my way down Tibbets drive, I reached down to get a drink of soda only to have it pour in my lap. I had a peeled sausage biscuit in one hand and a fight with a soda cup in the other. Surprised in hindsight hat I didn't hit a damn tree. So I finally get the thing back down in the cup holder from whence it came, fighting with the car and all it's mechanics (steering wheel, gas pedal, clutch, shifter.. ya know all that complicated stuff) - mentioning again my peeled sausage biscuit - trying to get the goddamn lid back on it. I stop at the stop sign and finish the job. I feel a little cooler in certain parts of my body and I realize that most of the soda had ended up on my shirt and jeans, leaving there streaks of brown liquid. FUCKING FANTASTIC. I am already late, and I can't go home to change, so here I go to my JOB looking like a complete SLOB. Wonderful. Immediately I am assuming that this is just bad karma. I notate the tragedy and move on, not really giving it much thought other than the fact that I look horrible wearing part of my breakfast, and how embarrassing it is as a whole. I finally get to work and I am just about 10 minutes late. I make a quick showing, booting my PC and then running to the bathroom to really check out how horrifying I must look. Humm, not that bad I think, but I run some water over it just in case so that it doesn't set in too badly on my black and WHITE Harley shirt. Damnit, I again notate the Karmatic upset that this has caused me and I go back to my seat in hopes that no one can tell other than myself. All is going well and I am beginning to settle into my position in life... I get up to get some coffee since I am obviously not quite awake enough after the bullshit of the morning, so gather my cup and head to the kitchen. I doctor my coffee cup and wait in line to get it. Finally, my turn. I stand close to the machine like I don't want anyone to actually see the pure crack cocaine that is being poured directly into the cup from the rainbow machine of dreams... I get back to my seat with caffeine in hand and stare at the white styrofoam cup with the few sips of soda in it and giggle a little to myself. The cue is light and the cases are too, so I enjoy the moment of some freedom. I slowly sip on my coffee only to notice that cool feeling is back again. I look down and realize that the lid that typically fits very snugly on the cup wasn't pushed all the way down on top of the cup. FUCKING AMAZING. The light brown streaks that were, are now dark brown lines on my nice WHITE shirt. I get up and go back to the bathroom so I can wash out what darkness I can get out... I come back to my desk and sign back in. I look at the clock on my phone and it's already time for my break, so I go outside and call Christian. He's traveling somewhere with Jae so he's in a jovial mood... good, I sure could use the laughter. I come back to my desk and finish some cases that had just popped up. My phone rings and I go through some processes with a customer. It feels like forever.. She doesn't understand the process so she puts her kid on the phone and leaves to go to the store. A HALF HOUR LATER, she returns with me and her daughter STILL on the phone talking about what to do next... Apple doesn't fall too far from the tree to be honest, and I think that I would of been better off talking with the mom this whole time, but you get what you get. I look up at my phone again and it is lunchtime. ALREADY?? WTF?? And here I am still on the phone with this woman. Ugh.. 15 after 2:00pm I am finally off the phone and out the door. I decide that I want Bueno, so I get my typical mucho nacho with no beans, add chicken. OOOOOOH YEAH. I also decide that the weather is SO beautiful that I just HAVE to eat outside, so I take my lunch outside. It's raining. Normally, I would just sit there and get wet, but 1. I'm at work and 2. I'm wearing a 'mostly' WHITE shirt - minus the brown soda stain that runs down one side looking like I was attacked by a muddy puppy. So I sit in my car to eat my lunch. After I am done, I realize that I have not only worn half of it, but somehow smeared the underside of the steering wheel with sour cream, which has now made it's way to my jeans when I pulled my seat back up so that I could put the car in first gear before I shut it off. I wiped the sour creme off my jeans and the steering wheel in amazement that I am still having this kind of a day. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere I begin to giggle. Not like a sarcastic half ass giggle.. It begins to build into a laugh and just as sudden as the giggle began, I am actually laughing my head off at myself. At this point there is no stopping the laugh fest that is going on in the car all by myself. I just can't stand it anymore and here I am in hysterics over the evils of sour creme. I hope that no one walks past the car seeing this crazy lady... I just can't stop and I am laughing so hard now that breathing is secondary. It takes me a good 5 or so minutes to compose myself enough to leave the car. I get out and I can't stop the smirk that keeps coming back. I guess that I just needed a lesson in humility today, and I think that I finally got it. Thank you powers that be, I get it now. Slow down and accept the things that I cannot change. Except my shirt, which I will promptly do once I get home.

Credit karma.

2011-09-21T21:01:00.000-05:00

Wow. that sucks. I have some work to do obviously. Okay well soon I will have the biggest piece of that off of there.. that damn EDU loan. I wish that they qualified for bankruptsy, becuase then I would actually do it, but DAMN it doesn't. Fuck.

2011-09-16T18:39:00.001-05:00

Good morning my Blogger peeps. It is finally Friday and I am just exhausted. I have a busy weekend ahead, but at least its a fun weekend... So that is good. I took Taylor to meet her new psychiatrist yesterday and he is really nice. He's IRISH... yeah, could listen to that all day.. not too hard to understand either. I guess that he's been here long enough for the true dialect to die down a little. Taylor seemed to like him and he upped her dosage a little. After the half hour that I just had with her, I was wanting him to write me a script too.

I leave work at 2:00pm to get there by 2:15 at her school to pick her up. Well, Thursday was the pep rally and she was already in the gym when I got there. Oh no, she couldn't be in the office waiting for me, no, she was in the SUPER PACKED GYMNASIUM along with 900 other students screaming and carrying on over the Jr. football team that was playing that night. I finally find her, and she is screaming at me over the crowd.. something about having to go to her locker and a classroom to get a binder... I am already pissed off because A: she knew about this and wasn't waiting for me in the office; B: not prepared in ANY way to be going to a Dr,'s appointment; C: Forgot to tell me that there was a pep rally and although I reminded her of her appointment JUST THAT MORNING, proceeded to tell me that she forgot about it. Oh and lest me forget that the administration in the office was OH SO HELPFUL. They pretty much told me to sign her out and go hunt for her myself. I wasn't able to find out what class she was in at that time nor who her teacher was for that period because the only ones still left in the damn office were me, some sick kid clutching a pillow for dear life, a janitor whom I am sure couldn't understand a damn thing that I was saying but was getting the gist just based on my expressions and some lady who seemed to claim like she knew what she was talking about.. Fantastic. There in lies the three rings of this circus that I had just become privy to. So, TWICE I go back and forth to the office (not a short walk from the gym), now checking my watch to see how late we really are.. 2:45pm - HOLY shit, really? I am starting to think that a reschedule followed by a child beating was imminent, but then I see her face in the crowd. Walking over players sitting on the floor in front of the risers, trying NOT to step on the fingers of the hand belonging to the player that could possibly be the paw with the winning throw of the entire game all the while trying not to lose here again in the crowd. I get there, and approach the teacher at the end of the row. She is most of the way up and he walks up to get her. She looks down at me like I'm a heavy metal kid at a Yanni show and I motion her to come down. She motions to me that she can't get out, but once I start to head towards her, she is literally pushing kids aside to get down to me. We argue all the way down the hall and I tell her that she isn't acting appropriately, and she just continues on... We finally get to her locker and she starts pulling stuff out and organizing crap. I am getting shorter fused by the second. I tell her never mind, I will cancel and she can go back to the pep rally since that was what she would rather do anyways.. I storm off.. call the office and they tell me that I have till 3:15 to get there and signed in, so I turn back around a d head back to her. She has already put her bag back in the locker and was locking it when I opened the door to the hallway.. I starred at her like she had fallen off the turnip truck.. I guess that I assumed wrong that she would of hurried herself up and out with her things in response to my walking off, but yet again, I was wrong. She was headed back to the gym. I told her to get her stuff and lets go... She again looked at me like I was dumber than a stone... she got her things and we headed off to the other side of the school to get her binder from computer class. It was locked.. of course because the only breathing thing on this side of the school was she and I... We argued about that some and finally started heading out the door to the car. THANK GODDESS that it was just around the corner or we would never of made it. We get in and check in right at 3:00pm. She at this moment felt it helpful to turn to me and say "See, we're not late. Our appointment was at 3:00 and we are here at 3:00." I look at her and tell her that since she was a new patient, we should of been here at 2:30, but that seemed to make no difference to her. So we get the new patient paperwork and we sit down to begin the process. She immediately puts her earbuds in her ears and ignores the world. She is however, looking over my shoulder at everything that I am writing. Once we get to the part where they ask - So why are you visiting us today? - She takes the clipboard from my lap and proceeds to write a book. I try to explain to her that they don't need all that information, but she informs me that she was just being thorough and there is no harm in that. I let her finish and as she is still writing, we are called back to meet with the intake nurse. Very nice gal, she has a sign on her desk that says "dealing with teenagers is like nailing jello to a tree.." I laughed. She asked all the regular questions that Taylor has had to answer in the last few weeks about a hundred times. I think that she likes telling her story.. I get that. So after all that, we meet the Dr. Like I said, he's very nice and gives us some samples and a discount card for the Vyvanse.. THANK YOU!

We head home. I am exhausted and trying really hard to want to go back to work. It's just not coming to me, so I decide that I will take the hit and just stay home. I think that next time Christian can take her. Maybe there won't be a pep rally for him, but I seriously feel tested here. Ugh, and I know that I failed.

Carrying the Cross.

2011-09-14T18:21:00.002-05:00

In these eight words, the Wiccan Rede fulfill
"An' it harm none, do what thou wilt."
Humm, I guess that I really need to review the reasons behind the rede. I am obviously doing something wrong. Over the weekend, I went to a psychic fair with Tonja and Crystal in Richardson and Tonja purchased a stone pouch from Silver Pyramid to aid with Taylor's issues. She also passed on to her one of her gemstone books that explains the stones along with their healing and natural powers (Christian was not pleased with this, but took it as a geological experiment and let it go). In her pouch was healing stones that promote grounding and wisdom. These stones are meant to be held close to the body to charge with her energies for 30 days and then she is able to keep it with her, but not against her unless she wants/needs it. I thought that was really cool and that she would benefit from this, so I okayed it not thinking about Christian and his fear of the 'hocus pocus' that he thinks all of this is. It's not voodoo or anything, and to be honest, Wicca isn't the only way of life that uses stones for healing... However, in his mind and after further conversation, her's as well, it seems to be one and the same. Now here is the problem. Christian and I made a deal that she would not become involved in Wicca until she was 18 years old and able to choose her own path in life. She has some bad blood with him regarding this because she 'blew her ride' to Cal Farley's because of her professing that she is Wiccan. I think that was what caused him to flip out over the whole thing. He's not had issues with me reading or talking about it in casual conversation before, but once the Cal Farley's thing happened, that seemed to be the straw that broke the camel's back. I was not aware of this until this morning.. nor did I know that there was even a camel to speak of.
She has put that on several websites that she is Wiccan, but yet she knows nothing about it. In fact, the ones that go screaming it from the mountain tops are typically the charlatan, and the ones who have undergone the correct education know this, however all the ignorant others take her at her word and assume that she will cast spells on their children and hex their homes. On top of that, last night I was doing a reading on myself because a hummingbird landing near me and starring me down while I was on break yesterday.. A whole other story.. So I was sitting there doing my reading, and she was wanting me to do one on her, so I did. It was quite accurate and I was pleased with the results as was she, so nothing else came out of it and we all went to bed. This morning, she was either placing the stone bag in her bra (still within the 30 days) or whatever she was doing with it and Christian caught her messing with it. Well, that started a whole argument about how betrayed he felt that I am still involving her in the Wiccan culture and not consulting him on it anymore. I honestly didn't think that a charm bag and a tarot reading was 'involving' her, but there in lies the thin line between what he thinks is witchcraft and what I know isn't. I tried to explain that I was trying to help her understand the difference and not teaching her actual Wicca, but I know now that it's all the same thing. He's right, I was splitting hairs. I guess that he supports me in this as a husband, but doesn't as a father of the children around it. I am sorry, but you cannot have a religion and not have it bleed somehow into the family around it. Unless I go back in the broom closet and don't mention it to anyone anymore. I guess that will be the sacrifice that I will have to make in order to keep the peace in the house. I hate that I will have to go back into hiding, but again, whatever it takes I guess. A part of me really hates him right now, but I can't hold any of that against him since I was so quick to agree that this religion isn't her path, it's mine... but she is curious and wants to know more about it. I will just have to hold my tongue and hope that she doesn't do it anyway and dabble in the wrong things.
I guess that I just wasn't thinking about all that. I was looking at it from a Wiccan point of view that this bag and tarot reading would be good for her, but it's hocus pocus and voodoo... so it shouldn't be around Taylor until she is ready to accept the challenge to learn and do it right instead of crying WITCH! at the top if her lungs. Besides, I don't want one more thing wrong between Christian and I. I don't think that I could stand it. We already have too many things already. If money and Taylor aren't enough to get divorced over, it's this 'Wiccan BULLSHIT' (that really hurt me). I need to find out if 'harm none' includes yourself, because this seems to be what is going to need to happen here in order to keep the peace. I hate this feeling... but I have to respect what he is doing here with her. Once he is done dictating and she is able to leave, I can tell you folks, that she will be out like snubbed fire... I just hope that she will call once in awhile and not just for money or a place to sleep.. who knows if we can have her back. She reminded me yesterday that I only have 4 more years with her... It goes so quickly. I hope that someday she will understand the choices that I have made for her and me... I really do love her, and I wish that I could get some stuff straight and... I have to stop there. I just hope that someday she understands.

2011-09-07T12:44:00.001-05:00

Today's deity is Juno, or genius.
This is your higher self. I do not mean the mythological god of marriage, I mean your higher consciousness. Higher self is a new age term associated with multiple belief systems, but its basic premise describes an eternal, omnipotent, conscious, and intelligent being, who is one's real self. This is in lesson one for my first degree.
Also in lesson one we cover Psychic Shielding and clearing and releasing energy. Do you ever feel like you are picking up feelings of others? That your empathy is out there on your sleeve? Psychic shielding is how you learn to protect yourself form those 'pick ups' and be able to not project that back out into the universe. You learn how to clear and release energy as part of your good psychic hygiene so you can work 'magic' in a positive and more comfortable mental place. Let me explain magic for you. There is magic all around us. In the trees, in the earth, sky and water. It is an energy, a force that moves all of us in tune with nature and ourselves.
Magic is NOT what you see on Harry Potter or The Craft. Although it is believed that some people do harness such power, but that is not what we mean by magic or spell craft. In Wiccan society, magic is really nothing more than say prayer to the Christians. It is like wishing for something REALLY hard and hoping that it will benefit the one being prayed for/wished upon. When handling magic in the craft, it is sometimes better known as 'magik' or 'majik' depending on where you get the information. This again, is NOT what you see in Hollywood (special effects) or on a Vegas stage (they are referred to as illusionists), this is more of a feeling and an energy. It all comes back to that really; the energy that involves us all. It is the energy, the particles that make up everything and our own psychic energy that causes emotions and is a very important piece of ourselves. Our Juno.

How to clear and release excess energy:
Lie down. Imagine if you will, lying in a shallow stream. Cool water flowing over your body. Close your eyes. You can feel leaves and small branches passing over and by you. You can feel the water rush past you and the bits of debris lightly touch your cheeks and arms as they pass by. You feel relaxed; calm. The cool water brings about a stillness and peace to you. The sound of the water in your ears quiets the craziness of the world around you. You open your eyes. Above you are tall green flowing trees that abide by the wind; sway as if perfectly timed together in a dance of Mother Nature's beautiful song. The sun is shining and you can feel his warmth on your face while the cool water continues to rush by.

Relax your mind and let the water flow past. Smile at the peace that you feel and the stress that is now leaving your body. Enjoy the trance that you feel as you move more in tune of the water and of the trees. Allow yourself this time to empty your mind and just feel what is going on around you. Open your senses to all things. Can you smell the beauty in the air? Can you feel the peace and tranquility that Mother Nature has provided you?

If you can, you have just experienced what it is like to release your energy back into the world. Please be cautious when you get up, as you will be groggy and light headed, but I promise that you will feel like a MILLION BUCKS!

Psychic Shielding:
Psychic shielding is very important. Sometimes we “pick up”energy from other people, without knowing we are doing so. Their moods oremotions may “bleed over” onto us, leaving us feeling angry, sad, tired,depressed, or whatever they are feeling -and not knowing where this emotioncame from. Also, sometimes people will deliberately send negative energy to us-even though that is a very bad thing which one should never do. Such negativeenergies cannot harm you, as long as you don’t let them in -but in daily lifethis is an unconscious process. To one skilled in magic and psychism however,this process under ones direct conscious control. With psychic shielding we setthe boundaries which keep out unwanted energy from others, but simultaneouslystrengthen our own Aura, or energy, keeping it healthy.

This exercise should be done daily, either when you go to bed or when get up,or as part of your daily psychic exercises.

Put yourself into a comfortable position and begin by releasing all tension andanxiety.

Visualize a ball of white light floating above you. Focus on the energy of theball -know that it is full of love and strength and peace. Try hard to FEELthese qualities in the energy of the ball.

Now let the energy from the ball of light begin to flow down into you. Theenergy is a beautiful, clear white light. No matter how much light comes intoyou, the ball will remain equally strong for its true origin is the Goddess andit is a source of boundless spiritual energy.

Let the energy from the ball pour into you and flow throughout your body. Letit move out into your arms and legs, down into your fingers and toes.

Now let that light expand beyond your body. At first see the light expand justan inch out from your body. Now let it expand a little more -two inches, fourinches... Let the light expand to form an oval around your whole body --an ovalfilled with clear, beautiful, loving white light from Goddess.

Now let that oval of white light expand to form a perfect circle of energyaround you, expanding until it is about six feet across.

Now, in your mind affirm this:

“There is one power in the Universe, and I am a perfect manifestation of thatpower. As such I will that the boundaries of my aura shall be strong andhealthy, repelling all unwanted energy while remaining open to positive andhealing energy. Safe within these boundaries nothing can harm me, for I amfilled with the strength of the Goddess. By my will, so mote it be -and it isso.”

Now let the visual image of the light dissipate, but know that its protectionand strength remain with you.

Now clear and release all excess energy.

Wiccan.. My path..

2011-09-06T15:35:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I said that I would keep you posted as I go through my learning on the path of the craft. Let me lay some knowledge on ya first. Wicca is an earth friendly, nature based religion, yes, it is an actual religion and is recognized by the government just as Christianity and Judaism is. We are not a bunch of hippies going around hugging trees, although that probably wouldn't be a horrible idea since they are all a part of Mother Nature, who seems to run the show in their world and paying some homage to her once in a while couldn't be a bad thing, right? We do not drink the blood of children or sacrifice lambs. We are a pagan religion, but the 'fluffy bunny' version of it. We live by 8 simple words - An' it harm none, Do what ye will. This means that we live by ethics, not by the typical Christian morals. We live our lives happily and full with strict code to HARM NONE. Regardless of the fact that we think they deserve it or not. We are not however a 'turn cheek' religion and if you want to fight with us, we will fight back. We will stand our ground out of respect for ourselves and the people fighting with us. We are a proud people, but not too proud to know when we have been bested.

Okay so I have decided to look for a teaching coven and in my research and months of homework, I found Sacred Fire Temple. They are a part of WSI (Witch School International) in which I have been a member of the outer court for almost a year. Rev. Michael is the Temple head and along with two Co-temple heads (Priest Brandon and Priestess Kat) they make up the hierarchy of the Temple. So I went to one of the beginner classes Sunday and I honestly loved every second of it. Yes, I was early, and yes, I was nervous, but Rev. Michael was very funny and very knowledgeable. He made it very easy to listen to what he had to say and he was very quick to make the room peaceful and comfortable. He is fully trained in the Guardian tradition, which is the more structured of the traditions. I was impressed with what he had to say and the energy in the room was very lax but electric. He seemed very honest and forthcoming with all the answers to questions that I threw at him with great importance. I was a little let down with a few of the people that I gathered know him well. They were very rude to him and didn't seem to respect him very much. I know that there will always be those people, I just don't think that is the way to treat your Temple Head, especially one that you are supposed to love and trust with all your energies. HE is your teacher, and you wouldn't call your teacher a dumb ass would you? Well, at least not to their face anyways.. Maybe I am just too old school on the respect thing, but I was almost appalled with the disrespect that one person showed openly about not just him, but herself. There is my empathy bell ringing again. I know that her internal issues are none of my business and I won't make them thus, but her projection of her personal situation was unavoidable, and I almost felt badly for her. I offered some opinion, but that was as far as I was willing to go at this juncture, since I just met her and all.. But she wasn't shy to profess her feelings loud and clear.

I knew that night that I wanted to join. I had done my homework and I knew what I was looking for, plus all the EPIC failed examples of covens that I had 'gotten myself into' prior to now taught me what to look out for and I didn't seem to get any of those feelings or thoughts during the time that I spent there. I am excited about going through my dedication ceremony in which he is going to call me about here in the next few days. I am not sure what all this BROKE WITCH can do financially, but it is really important to me that I do it. I have never wanted anything more, other than my husband and my children and I am going to do whatever I can (legally) to get the funds needed, if there is anything needed. I am sure that there is, since there are always supplies that go into all rituals.

I hope that my eagerness to be a part of this Temple isn't without merit and I hope that I am making the right decision to become a part of this tradition and path. I just want to learn as much as I can and be the best Wiccan that I can possibly be.

I am now faced with the proper handling of my own circle. My own sisters and brother that has decided to walk the path with me. I think that I will offer them membership to the Temple and see where that leads me. I know that up to now, they have been a part of it out of convenience and to be honest, I don't think that all of them are ready or pure enough of heart and mind to go further in with me, but at least once I finish my training, I will be better prepared to serve them the way that they need to be and I will be able to lead them into ritual without having to worry about doing or saying the wrong things. I will be able to teach them and work with them on their own path. Which is all I really want to do. I have sent out educational materials to them before, but there was never a follow up session to see how much effort they have actually put into this. Maybe I am asking too much of them. Maybe I am just to serious about this path for me and they aren't at this time. I don't know, but I am ready...

The push.

2011-09-02T15:04:00.002-05:00

This morning Christian comes hobbling in... he was 'hit' by a car on the bike. He is fine, but he how has a knee and an ankle brace that he has to wear for the next 4-6 weeks. Great. We have a ride that we are committed to come the last weekend of this month. Should be fun, but between that and my fucked up shoulder, well we should be a couple of really HAPPY motorists. The guy that 'hit' him was pulling out of a spot at the 7-11 near his work. Tipped his tire and the bike with Chris on it, went over. The only one who even saw it was the cashier at the store. At least HE came out and helped him back up. That bike is REALLY heavy and REALLY hard to stand back up with just one person, especially an injured one. The cartload of kids that pushed him over didn't even get out and help, nor did they even notice hat he's on the ground. What jerks. Then again, who really looks behind them after they pull out of a spot anyways? I still am working out the mechanics of the scenario, but whatever... he is now home with a brand new set of boo-boos and that DOES NOT make this mama happy. Yep, faith in humanity is right out the fucking window again. Fuckers, push my man? Grrrr.

In other news, I was invited to come to a circle in Ft. Worth this weekend. I am leery, but looking forward to it. It is for Sacred Fire Temple, which is a Corellian tradition (http://www.correllian.com), Covenant of the Goddess sect that I happen to be interested in. Founded in 2009, they practice at the UU in Ft. Worth.. Yes, I am bringing Jamie, just in case. I refuse to go alone to a new circle. You never know what all will happen there, but in their defense, the Rev. Joseph Michael Joffrion, is a Witch School Witan Council member. He goes by Rev. Michael, so that is cool. I guess that he doesn't like Joseph... I am looking forward to the class that he offers...

It takes place at Westside Unitarian Universalist Church in Ft. Worth from 6pm to 9pm, so I assume that it will be part class and part ritual. I am really excited about this and I hope that I will be welcomed into this 'coven' for more education and worship. I will keep you posted on this and how I am doing in my studies as I become more involved in them. I have been part of outer court since November of last year, so it is about time that take it seriously. Besides, how am I going to be able to run my coven if I can't see how others run theirs?

Strength in numbers...

2011-08-25T10:21:00.001-05:00

Wiccan: There is one power in the Universe, and I am a perfect manifestation of that power. As such I will that the boundaries of my aura shall be strong and healthy, repelling all unwanted energy while remaining open to positive and healing energy. Safe within these boundaries nothing can harm me, for I am filled with the strength of the Goddess. By my will, so mote it be -and it is so.

Christian: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference."

Buddhist:

O Amida,
Oneness of Life and Light,
Entrusting in your Great Compassion,
May you shed the foolishness in myself,
Transforming me into a conduit of Love.
May I be a medicine for the sick and weary,
Nursing their afflictions until they are cured;
May I become food and drink,

During time of famine,
May I protect the helpless and the poor,
May I be a lamp,

For those who need your Light,
May I be a bed for those who need rest,
and guide all seekers to the Other Shore.
May all find happiness through my actions,
and let no one suffer because of me.
Whether they love or hate me,
Whether they hurt or wrong me,
May they all obtain true entrusting,
Through Other Power,
and realize Supreme Nirvana.
Namo Amida Buddha

I guess that ANY of that will help me today. I am just not feeling well and I don't know how to stop being depressed about it.

UPDATES...

2011-08-23T11:31:00.000-05:00

Ah, the first day of school has come and gone and Madison was OH SO ready! She was up at the butt crack of dawn and waking us up with her. Taylor is still in the hospital. We hope to get out of there today but we aren't sure if she will go into a follow up facility or back to school... I spoke to the lady there and she said that Christian's Aetna will cover the brunt of it and it will be an excused absence, so I guess that she will be going. I think that she still needs the help and to be honest, the vacation that this is providing her as well as myself. I will post more once I have time.

Thursday morning...

2011-08-18T15:04:00.000-05:00

Ugh, not feeling any better. I think that my body is raging a war inside of me and I am NOT winning today. The stress of recent events has caused me to throw out my shoulder, have constant stomach pains resulting in LONG periods of more pain once I am finally able to go to the bathroom, coupled with heartburn and cramping from a period that SHOULD of been over 5 days ago. I am NOT doing well and I am NOT a happy camper today. I guess that I will just take mt Aleve and shut the fuck up. I wish my shoulder would stop hurting... that one I am having all kinds of issues with. My stomach and all the other crap I am kind of used to, but my shoulder? Ugh, the pain is almost unbearable, even with the aleve kicked in. Thank you Jamie for the Aleve, I will more than likely steal more... SOON.

So I got paid today and I found lying in my purse, two packs of smokes and $10 for whatever. Oh okay, cool. I can eat some breakfast then... Sausage is NOT my friend. It has forsaken me and here I am wondering if I should just excuse myself for the day and go DIE in the toilet. Sounds pretty good to me. I am just holding out for the weekend I guess. Oh and I am almost SURE that all the idiots that I will be dealing with today will make my day JUST PERFECT!

Pull the damn trigger already!

2011-08-17T16:27:00.001-05:00

Okay, I finally hit my ceiling. I don't know if it was the stress of the nonacceptance from Cal Farley's or it was me just being in a really bad mood... but Once Christian called me and said that he and Taylor had gotten into a fight, I just lost it. After the bullshit that happened on Sunday RIGHT AFTER we got back from the trip to Cal's and then she and him get into a fight? I'm DONE. I came home, Christian had taken the night off since he was feeling stressed out from the fight... I ate some pizza that he had ordered, asked Taylor to take a ride with me and I drove her straight to Springwood. Obviously SOMEONE had to do SOMETHING here and if anything breaking up this string of crap was my mission at this point. I told Christian that I will NOT have this crap going on in my house any longer. I said that I should of pulled the damn trigger YEARS ago on this situation and I HOPE that I didn't wait too long to be able to help her and this family. I think that taking Taylor out of the equation was the only thing that I could think of at that moment that made sense to me. I know that she is in crisis, but so is Christian and they BOTH need psychological help in the WORST way. Madison and I are victims here and I am pretty sure that Madison would never think to divide the two and drive one of them to a mental institution. I sat in the ER with Taylor from 8:30 to 3:00AM waiting for several things including the okay from the institution for an admittance. I wasn't about to leave the damn place without Taylor going since I didn't feel like the home that she was in at the time was the safest place for her. I took yesterday off so that I could come to group and meet with the psychiatrist that she was going to be seen by. He seemed really on top of the situation and was able to see through Taylor's rouse right away. We all learned some things during that short half hour, but most of all we learned that she is acting out and not only because of being off her meds and having to cope with a chemical imbalance alone, but that the family was a wreck and NO one was benefiting from it any longer. We live in a Dictatorship where Christian is at the helm directing how things with Taylor will play out. Ya know for someone who at one point told me that once they start bleeding, they are mine, he sure isn't sticking to his guns. He has become the Alpha and Omega of the family and NO ONE can make a move without having to check with him first. I personally grow really irritated with having to tell the kids (namely Taylor) "I need to check with your dad first" or "I'll ask your dad..." Part of that is lazy and part of that is so I won't get pinned into something while being manipulated by Taylor.

Why is it that I can't seem to be able to make a move on my own? He is at work all night long and that seems to be when the children need the most attention, so why can't I make the decisions while he is at work? Am I scared that if I make the wrong decision and allow the children to do something that he doesn't want that I will get into trouble with him? Well, yeah, a little. He's not afraid to throw his weight around the house and that can become intimidating along with a little scary. I know in the back of my mind that he is a pussycat and would never intentionally harm anyone, but he has a way of making you feel like you have hurt him deeply or that you annoy him greatly just by the decisions that you make sometimes and no one wants to disappoint him in that house, so we walk around on eggshells with him sometimes and await his decision. That however, IS MY FAULT that I have allowed it to get to that point with him. Yesterday in group we discussed Dictatorships and I guess that my household has become one. I guess that some habits never die, but they need to. I shouldn't be so timid when it comes to standing up to him and I should be able to put in my two cents without feeling like I have done something wrong or ran over his feelings. I don't think that I would explain myself wrongly if I could just get past the feeling like I have to be presenting something extremely important to my BOSS instead of my PARTNER. Again, old habits. I have gotten better, and so has he about listening to me and my ideas, however I am still really bad about the presentation sometimes... I feel like I have to be SUPER prepared and ready for anything with him before I present my 'case'. I don't think that I can explain that any better than that. I have allowed him all the power and almost 10 years later here I am trying to gain my half back. I know that I screwed up on that with him from the beginning and I don't know how to fix it... hopefully, family counseling will be effective and we will be able to get some of this stuff out and learn how to fix it. I know that Taylor has been suffering at the hand of this issue for quite some time and I have seriously thought about leaving this family with her in tow many, MANY times.

I hope that I have made the right decision by trying to get this family on a better path and in a more healthy place psychologically. I hope that I have taken the right steps to save this relationship between Christian and Taylor before something REALLY horrible happens. I am not sure what could be worse than what has already been done up to now, what I have already allowed to happen between them both... I guess that I just stopped stepping in because I either was too afraid or became desynthesized to the anger and bullshit that was happening between the two of them. I guess that it started out with fear because the train wreck would turn on me and I would become the center of the anger.. most times I didn't care because then Taylor was able to slip out of the room or out of the 'conversation' that was happening at the time. I would take the 'hit' and handle the beast that Christian can sometimes become. I have been carrying around a LOT of guilt over this for YEARS... allowing him to get in her face, call her names and bully her. I understand that he wants to be respected, but at what cost? You can only beat a dog for so long before they turn on you and she has. You cannot gain respect by bullying it out of the person, if I learned ANYTHING from all the past relationships that I survived, I do know THAT. I NEVER respected any of the assholes that beat me even though I would still do whatever they said out of fear of another beating.. I will give Christian the benefit of the doubt, I guess that he doesn't know what he is doing half the time and he allows his anger to blind him, but that is NO excuse and I won't live like that anymore. Monday night was me putting my foot down on ALL of it and asserting what 'femalehood' (ESTROGEN) I still had able to assert. It's MY turn to be the 'asshole' here (well, maybe not the asshole, but you know what I mean), and I am DONE with all the BULLSHIT SHENNANIGANS that seems to keep happening in my household. Christian WILL go back on his meds.. If Taylor has to then he should too... We WILL go to individual counseling and family counseling. This WILL stop now. I will no longer have to 'ask dad' anymore before I do something with OUR children. I will check with him when it comes to money, but even that is about to change.

He is too damn worried about money and I am honestly sick of hearing about it. Everything seems to revolve around that fact and there are just things that you HAVE TO DO irregardless of that fact. Like stay on medication or see a doctor. Fix a clutch or buy a motorcycle tire. Things that just happen in life that can't wait... It's not like I am asking to go buy shoes or a new purse.. IN FACT, to be completely truthful, I have stood out of the way when he wants to go to an Aggie game, go camping or what not which in his mind for some reason doesn't seem to cost anything, but I know better... You still have to get there, which is gas.. Eat and pay for shelter.. even camping costs money.. especially in the FOOD department.. I've sat idly by and watched him buy several $100's of dollars in camping supplies and food.. CAMP FOOD IS EXPENSIVE!!! Going to a football game is expensive... I know.. I've gone with him once or twice. The tickets, the gas to and from College station or wherever the damn thing is, food and drinks.. any kind of memorabilia that is obviously required.. and don't forget to leave out time away from work to go DO these things... which will short us the next time around, so take THAT out too. It's not like I don't worry about money as much as him if not more than him, I just know that it isn't the solvent to everything however it has it's place and I think that he has misplaced enough of it already.

I really just don't think that he is very good with the money that comes through this family... It just doesn't make sense to me anymore.. honestly, I have been really lazy about the finances and I KNOW that was what killed me. I should of been more involved with it and he and I should of started out as equal partners when it came to money regardless of who was working at the time. I joke with him that I hope the other family he is supporting is enjoying my paycheck as much as I am... I am only halfheartedly meaning that of course. It really doesn't make any damn sense and I SHOULD be able to enjoy SOME of my earnings.. It really PISSES me off that he takes every last red cent out of the bank on payday.. I can't keep track of what he does with it that way and I don't trust that he isn't buying whatever the hell HE wants with it... eating out and snacking at work... (and then turning on ME for doing the exact same thing...) While Me, Taylor and Madison sit there eating whatever he buys us to eat that week.. What if WE want something else? What if GODDESS FORBID that anything happen while he is at work that would require money?? I'm just SOL I guess.. Hell, I make more than I have EVER made, he just got a raise, we live in a place that is WAY less expensive than the last place, we got rid of a car... It just FLAT OUT doesn't add up to me... I just don't get it, but then again, I don't see all the bills and such either. I know for a fact that the damn electricity was through the roof... but then again, he isn't paying ANYTHING on time or in full, so there are all these little 'add-ons' that get tacked on to the bill because of stupid moves like that. Last week he got a loan for $300 and then later that week he also sold his drum set to the pawn shop for another... That's $600 in A WEEK!! Where did that go?? I am about ready to just move out into a shack under the highway.. maybe then we can actually afford to live. I wish that I could read his mind sometimes... then maybe I would figure out where all this is going and how the finances have gotten so damn screwed up... Maybe I should just take it all away from him or at least open my own account and have him ask ME for money for a change.

Sorry... I am off topic. Okay that is all the energy that I am going to express on that topic today.

I am fine with the new situation with Taylor and I honestly HOPE that this will be a positive change for the WHOLE family and not just her. We ALL have some changes that need to be made and I just hope that I am not the only one that is willing to make them.

Cal Farley's... update.

2011-08-12T14:00:00.001-05:00

Well, we got a 'no'. I guess that is good, now we can go forward with her actually WITH us instead of feeling like we abandoned her. Left her on someone else's front porch to handle. We have a backup plan and we plan to implement it immediately. I have mixed feeling about it all. I have been pushed and pulled through this process for MONTHS now and now that I am able to actually catch a breath, I hope that I don't breath in toxic fumes. Taylor seemed okay with the decision and that is good... I am a little iffy about why they didn't take her, but it is a reason. They said that she wouldn't be a good fit for ANY of the houses that they have currently going. That she would be too influential to some of the other housemates and that could stir a bad reaction. So, here I am thinking, okay, so she is quite the manipulator, but I don't think that she would put any one else in jeopardy, then I thought a little harder... Yea, she probably could without knowing it and that could be really bad. I am sad to know that Cal Farley's can't seem to mold their children correctly enough to be able to not give into mind games, but I get it. When Taylor was in interview with them, her 'WICCAN' religion was mentioned. She had put that as her religion on all her boy phishing websites and we printed one out to show the school what all she was capable of and Wicca was brought up. You see part of Cal Farley's mission statement is that it is a CHRISTIAN BASED CAMPUS and one of the 'laws' there is that you go to chapel EVERY Sunday, which she would never have an issue with, but because of the evil stereotypes of the Wiccan religion, they found that to be too much for them to handle. It saddens me that it was even a factor for her negative decision, but I get it. Sure, it makes me want to send her pamphlets and secretly sign her up for a Wiccan website, but that is against everything that Wicca stands for, plus it sounds like something a Mormon would do, and yea no. This isn't a cult.. and neither is Mormon, I apologize to the Mormon people for that... it was wrong of me to say, but they do kinda bug people with their paraphernalia, and get a bad wrap in Utah... I kinda like reading the Watchtower and some of their thoughts and practices on religion are kinda cool. This IS my religion and Taylor has merely looked in (totally on accident) on a circle or two and automatically assumed that she was a part of it. I know that the 'magikal' nuances of the religion are enticing to her and honestly, that is what drew me to it too, but as I have learned more and became more in depth with the true path, I find that 'magik' is merely one small aspect to the hole cauldron. Ha ha, you like that? There is so much more to the path that it almost blacks out that aspect of it. If she only knew exactly what she was saying that she knew, she would know that what she was saying was wrong. Does that even make sense? She thinks that she knows what she is talking about using Wicca as her 'escape goat' for her actions. Everything that she does is completely AGAINST what we as Wiccans promote and it is just a travesty that I now feel like I can't talk to her about the religion without her either getting the wrong idea or hearing me and doing whatever she assumes it means. She and I need to have a talk, but I don't know how to come to her and tell her that everything that she has been doing up to this point is blasphemy to our religion. It makes us look like jokes and hokey magicians, which we are none of. Maybe I should bring this to circle and see what the other's think. Here is part of the problem with being an elder, you really do not have anywhere else upward to take stuff. It's kinda like where does God go with HIS problems? He has no one to really talk to about anything... nothing that he would need an authoritative handle on anyways, and I am a little lost on this part of grey color that I have created with Taylor. I guess that I need to call a meeting. For advice and direction on this topic. I can't go to my life mate because he knows less than her... What do I do here?

I guess that this just comes down to feeling like it's MY FAULT for her not being accepted to the school because of a path that I CHOSE to take for myself. I have worked too hard and I have gone through to much crap to finally find like minded people/friends to deny or renounce my religion because of some small minded Bible belt beating Christians, but I hate that because of that, my daughter will go without the help that they would of been able to provide her and my family with. Then again, if that was indeed the reason that she wasn't accepted, would I of fought feelings of guilt for sending her to a place like that? Maybe I am just free thinking here, but I don't promote any religion being shoved down your throat like this place sounded like it would be... so, is this a sign? I am completely all for learning as much as you can about any/every religion for without a sense of higher power what exactly do we have to look forward to? The alternative only brings pain, depression, anger and hopelessness. We as humans NEED religion, even if it IS praying to a tree or a gold calf (pardon the thought), there needs to be SOMETHING there, but it should be the decision of the person and no one else. I just feel like forcing Christianity upon anyone is cruel and wrong (HOLY WARS??), and if that was a determining factor to her 'recovery' well, I just don't think that should be right.

Someone please keep Cookie Monster away from the cake!!

2011-08-11T10:19:00.063-05:00

Bert and Ernie get MARRIED??

So what do you think? I say go ahead! Teach tolerance and update the mind set of the world. That is what the show is about, is it not? You can't honestly tell me that you never thought it anyways... might as well make it legal. Take them, the whole show, to the center of New York city, create a HUGE ceremony and do it right! Besides, I'v always wanted to see Big Bird in a tux... the only problems that could be would be keeping Cookie monster out of the desserts, The Count from laughing after every piece of rice is thrown, Grover from going all BRIDEZILLA over Ernie's outfit and The Grouch getting into a brawl at the reception over cheating by using his garbage can to catch the bouquet.

I am all for people doing what they want with their lives in order to find peace and happiness. I think that this possible move on the writers of the show is a BOLD and POSITIVE move. Everyone is entitled to their own happiness or the pursuit of it anyways... and to be honest, to all those HATERS out there, this is the way the world is going. Does it not make more sense to allow them to love one another and find the happiness in each other that a lot of 'normal' people seem to have nightmares finding for themselves? Why is that a BAD thing? Sure, the Bible says something about Adam and Eve and procreation, but we are WAY over populated already and in China they are only allowed ONE child per family (http://geography.about.com/od/populationgeography/a/onechild.htm)... So why can't these couples just love the way that they want to and continue to be happy with the people that they are instead of deal with all the bullshit stereotypes that society has created for them? Believe it or not people but being homosexual goes way back in history and is just as often talked about as heterosexual relationships, we just chose to not accept it as a widely respected form of relationships.

The catch 22 behind lesbians vs. 'fags', really just comes down to the fact that this earth was at one point overruled by idiot men. Women were second class citizens and made to bow to the men as a daily occurrence. We found love and affection from our female peers and didn't see any reason to stop because it made us happy. Here's the catch 22... MEN LIKED IT, SO IT WAS OKAY TO DO. Kinky bastards. Even in the 50's when EVERYTHING was taboo, women were allowed to dance together like couples, hang out in private places alone together, and no one thought anything of that. We were the weaker sex and we needed each other for love, affection and understanding so that the (bull headed, thoughtless, heartless, soulless) men didn't have to either deal with us on that level, handle us more than 'in and out' in bed or feel guilty that we were all alone at home while they went out to murder, pillage and rape whatever they could get their nasty hands on at the time. Men have needs ya know, but women?? Humm, I guess that we just had to figure it out on our own.. Well, we did. While the men were out 'hunting' we raised our boys to be more thoughtful and respectful of women and to be okay with crying and showing emotion. This however wasn't what made men gay, just more accepting and it paved the way to learning and thinking more with their brains instead of their dicks.

Through out evolution of our species we have graduated to a point in 2011 where science and technology is king and religion is being pulled apart at the seams. We try very hard to be more accepting and thoughtful of one another. Funny how it took tearing apart religion to realize that. The fears associated with that has been taken through a beaker and remixed into something much better and easier to understand. People are beginning to want more answers associated with God and all the facets there in. Our brains have the capacity for understanding and we want to know more. It seems to me that I find more Wiccans or Seudo-pagans in my daily life than any other. It's come to the point in the chain where we almost mock Christianity because of all the stupid things done to mankind in the name of it. More arrests are being made within the Catholic Churches from sexual abuse and other jaw dropping bullshit every day, and people are beginning to realize that this just isn't right anymore. We can't live behind a several thousand year old book anymore. We understand that the rules are good to live by, but to die by?

Now a days we are more understanding of one another. The men AND women are smarter, faster and more apt to pick brain over brawn in a pinch. There are no more battles over forcing religion on anyone... all those slots have been taken by the Catholics and dispersed over the globe over time by thinkers and doers who didn't think that the Catholics had it right. The only religious 'wars' that are going on right now are HATE wars wrapped in so much propaganda that you can't even SEE the religion for what it should be anymore. What GOD would allow you to strap bombs on a 10 year old CHILD and send them into a war zone to blow up military JUST TO MAKE A POINT?? What kind of religious bull shit is that again?

Okay, I am wandering off the main path here.. same sex marriages.. regardless of who or what gender it always ends up as the same sex marriage... I think that 'quote' was from Robin Williams... but isn't it true? Whether you are gay or lesbian, you still have go back and forth to a job, keep house, pay taxes, if you are lucky adopt a child... LIVE YOUR LIFE... and that is becoming more 'normal' than the heterosexual versions... Plus, how often do you hear that one of them went off the deep end and killed the other one, dumping their bodies in the river somewhere? Or beat the other one to a bloody pulp? That they abused their children or poisoned them and left them to die in the truck of their car?? (too soon?) You just don't hear anything really about that going on... maybe they have it right, they love whomever they love because they are smart enough to not allow the stupidity of gender hinder them from doing so. You love who you love... black, white, yellow, gay or straight. That seems to be the key. So I say go for it, let Bert and Ernie get married. Show the children of today and tomorrow that it is okay to love whomever you want to regardless of color or gender AND religion, that seems to be the key to true happiness. Besides, isn't that what the constitution tries to promote?

It's all the same now and then.

2011-06-07T18:59:00.000-05:00

Okay before I start this, I would like to say that ‘In and Out’ burger is not only a HUGE waste of time, but I was actually disappointed in the ‘amazing’ burger that they produced me after over a half hour waiting in line. Honestly, Sonic is WAY better, easier to get to and cheaper than In and Out… plus, they bring it out to your car on SKATES, which is like dinner AND a show, if they fall down… The only show I got there was being bothered by the poor little worker bees that had to buzz around the outside of the place getting people’s orders while they were still in the line. It’s too hot for them to be out there and to be honest, they are TOTALLY NOT NEEDED. Why don’t they put them inside where they can make the food that we are waiting for? Oh, AND taking up the parking lot adjacent to them strategically placing a maze of cones and bullshit that was supposed to make the ‘flow of the line’ more intelligent, really was just nothing more than a hassle and probably spells out ‘SUCKA’ if looked at from an aerial view. Ridiculous, and I will not go there again until all the BS has calmed down and I can get a small, overpriced burnt burger in under five minutes.
Well I am home. At 2:30.. due to a sick child. Well she had a MIRACULOUS recovery since she is now begging me for pizza to go swimming. I swear that she was just throwing up and telling me that she was dying. I guess not anymore. She really WAS sick.. really!!

Anyways, here I am, home and not happy to be doing so. Missing out on hours really sucks when it comes to the paycheck. I have a hard enough time trying to support my kids and me when Christian IS putting in some, but being out here, cut off from him like I am, I really have to pay close attention to what I am bringing home. Plus, Taylor hasn’t exactly been the best out here so I have to pay for stupidity. Then again, Madison has been acting up too, so I am guessing that she is learning it from somewhere. There is a certain amount of things that are just seven year old things to do, but things like drawing on the kitchen table and painting the carpet with shoe polish are not them.

Let’s see, so far she has lied, cheated, stolen and lied some more to anyone who will listen. She has threatened her sister with a knife, called boys, stolen and applied hair color to her head and then lied BOLD FACED to me, nana and poppy about it. Had I’d known that was the alternative to my telling her that she was TOO young to do that to herself and her hair, than I would of paid someone to do it correctly instead of her stealing it from the store and doing it herself. I explained to her that this house was NOT her free space. It is NOT a place that she can come to and just do whatever it is that she wants to do. We are here so that I can work and have someone awake and fairly competent watching her and Madison while I do it. That is the ONLY reason. Taylor obviously needs CONSTANT supervision and I am not able to give that to her if I am working. Nana isn’t really the best one to do it either, but I would rather have SOME than NONE at all… so here we are.

I guess that I am somewhat calmed down considering last night was the biggie… I think that I have had maybe at best 4-5 hours of sleep a night because of some stupid crap that Taylor had done that day or the night before. I don’t sleep well when she acts up like that. I am almost afraid to go to sleep because I fear for her pulling some stupid crap while my eyes are closed. Last night really threw me. After the whole yelling at her and then having to talk to nana about all of it, it was like midnight or so, and I went to work today thinking that I was going to die from fatigue. I KNOW that I am depressed. No one else knows, but I do… Taylor and her stupid antics not only keep me up at night but break my heart every time that she does them.
I really had to add this to my blog. This was an email that I sent Christian on how I feel about what happened with the hair color situation… I haven’t written anything about the knife thing due to the fact that I am blogging now.. That, and it happened JUST last night.

Dear Christian,

Let me set you a little straighter on why things happened the way that they did.. Nana was pushing for us to take her back to the store and make her appologize for what she did, however it was an agreed point from both poppy and I that we don't due to the fact that A: There was no evidence. She tore up the box and emptied it all into her pockets. B: this was a regular store for him and he didn't want to be labled as the grandfather of a stealing child. He thinks that we should leave it alone instead of raising flags against him... in other words, he was extremely embarrassed by the whole thing and fought me just a hair on taking her back to handle this at the store, and C: knowing OUR luck they would prosecute to the fullest extent of the law just to make an example out of her and NO ONE in the family has money to bail her out of jail... This IS Tom Thumb, after all... (and D: which I am adding now – knowing that something that small really wouldn’t cause them to prosecute, but it would be an apologetic exchange of money and her not really learning anything other than as long as it’s something small it’s okay because SOMEONE will eventually pay for it, not her, but one of us, and she will never learn anything positive from that.) which brings on another point, Nana and Poppy can't seem to handle the fact that 'their' little "baby" would be in JAIL... I know that A LOT of this decision to not take her back to the store was based on generalized VANITY, but that is how this family works... Cutting her hair would indeed be a constant reminder that she fucked up, but again, KNOWING OUR LUCK, she would think it was cuter that way and love it MORE short than how it is already, so THAT would backfire in our faces. PLUS, that would be worn like a scarlet letter, and then we are looked on as the crappy ass parents again... I agree that taking away her party DOES NOTHING to her since it hasn't even been brought up to any of her friends as even happeneing... plus she is USED to us taking things away like this... and honestly, I think, somewhere in her head that was what she wanted too for some odd reason. HOWEVER, she did seem a tad bit shaken by the fact that she will NOT be seeing anyone AT ALL the rest of the summer , come Cal Farley's or NOT. I thought about making her a sign and making her wear it on the street corner, but that would just KILL nana... so I don't know what to do here. See, this is what I have to deal with when I am out here and she doews these kinds of things.. I can't do a 'normal' punishment for her, because of how Nana and Poppy will react to it,.. They STILL don't understand all the things that we have to handle with her... they still see her as this 5 year old child that just needs a hug... and that pisses me off. That they never think THAT is the problem.. that they just overlooked SO MUCH of her crap as a child, that she is like this now, and to be honest, it pisses me off that you are such a fucking HARD ASS on her sometimes too, but here I am in the fucking middle playing ping pong again, but not between you and her, but between TWO HOUSEHOLDS which makes my head hurt like no other. I understand that you are always going to be part of the equasion, but while I am out here I have to act as a single mom, and make decisions based on what I think is right and justified based on the household that I am in. I don't care if that pisses you off, but you are not here to be a part of this unit.. and part of my crying fit when you left Saturday was based on that too.. that I am alone out here and prey to the bullshit that my parents like to do when Taylor is here. Yes, I stood up to Poppy yesterday and told him to back down... that I was handlling this, but all he did was get more upset, send nana into a tailspin and eventually go to bed since he didn't have any scotch to get him through it all. Nana went to the concert, told Jinger about all of it... I am sure that I will get a phone call soon about how I handled it all in front of nana and poppy... I am sorry that this isn't sitting well with you, it isn't with me either, but as long as I am here, (I FEEL) like my hands are tied on some things. Especially with Taylor. I know that you have given me suggestions and even TOLD Taylor that we were going to cut her hair, but you are not here to help me put these actions into play due to a lack of money or whatever it is... I guess that I am just a coward when it comes to handling my own kid in front of my parents... that is my own fault and my own issue.. I did stand up to poppy though, but obviously not enough because Taylor still has the hair the way that she wants it and although her party and seeing any friends is out of the question, that doesn't seem to bother her at all.. I wonder if that is because we have just trained her to accept the fact that we have already taken everything away, or maybe she did this stunt because she didn't want the damn party anyways.. Oh, and my putting that on my FB page was NOT a celebration.. I said nothing about how it looked or how she was feeling about it, I posted it because I was upset about how it all went down and that I wasn't even asked by her to do it... there was NO celebration there, plus she doesn't even know that it's there.. I took that pic of her hair to send to YOU so that YOU would know what she had done to herself, not FB. So all in all, it wasn't that I didn't want to DEAL with it... that was just what I told you... I should of been more explanatory on it all, but I didn't think that you had the patience for my explanation, and I think that somewhere in my mind, it wasn't that I didn't want to 'deal' with the situation, it was more about not wanting to 'deal' with you and your input on the matter. I think that I am just full up on your versions of handling Taylor. I am sick of how the relationship between you and her has not only fallen apart, but has become a bitter exchange of bullshit any and every time that she does ANYTHING not to your liking. I am sorry, but I think that needed to come out... I am very jaded about anything that involves you and her, especially when you bring your MOTHER into it. I have my own issues there too, but whatever. I thank you for your email, but because you don't know all the situation and how it was actually handled, WHICH WAS ALL MY FAULT, btw... But honestly this is done, and we have to handle it as it is.. she fucked up, so now what? Grounding doesn't work, taking things away doesn't work, calling her a MORON doesn't work... so what else is there? I guess that JAIL is all that there really is left, and my parents are going to have to get over the 'vanity' of that situation. WE are responsible for her, and WE need to figure something out... not my parents...I fear that this will NOT be the last time that we will have to handle something of this level, so I guess that I learned something here too that she will HAVE to pay for her mistakes by going to jail. So I guess that I will have to get over that fact too.. that I can't save her from something like that, she will have to just do it. Saving her has always been my own issue too, and I know that I have to just get over it, but if you loved her like I do, you would have these same questions in your mind. This will be a battle for you when Madison fucks up like this.. I guess that will be the only time that you will understand this issue. You have never treated Taylor like your own. She was always just extra baggage for you in this marriage.. and the fact that she is 'exactly' like you, has caused a rift also. I don't want to see my baby in jail.. I have a hard time even thinking about this... Naw, Taylor would never do any of this stuff.. must be some other Taylor.. No, it's mine. The one that I raised.. The one that calls ME mom...None of this was ever supposed to happen.. She was supposed to be the princess and have everything handed to her. She was supposed to be the light of my life and loved by all who came in contact with her. She was my angel, and something happened.. a wrong turn, a bad decision... SOMETHING that made her the way that she is. I just need to find out what that was, and fix it... Then everything will be fine.. No. I don't think so. Nothing will ever be fine again with her. I KNOW what it was.. and I KNOW that will never change.. so I need to get over trying to find that one thing and deal with her as she is now. I know that how I handled this was wrong to you and that I could of done more, but in order to keep the peace around here and not frazzle anyone else other than myself, which is TYPICALLY how this goes down, I made a decision WITHOUT YOU that this is over and done with. There is NO MORE punishment that we can hand her that she is going to learn from other than going to spend a night in jail or cuffed and stuffed in a police car... I personally don't want to be anywhere NEAR that when it happens, but I probably will be... Poppy has decided that he can't go to that store anymore... Nana, I am SURE has drug her to a preacher to confess, and Jinger will do SOMETHING out of the ordinary, just like she always does... I feel like I have done enough here, and although you feel that I have not, I am sorry.. but the alternative is too much for me to handle right now emotionally or any other version there in. I am sorry that I let you down on this one, but honestly I don't feel like there was anything else to do. WE got lucky that she didn't get arrested, that poppy didn't get escorted out, that her hair isn't PINK... but that is about US.. not her, and I get that. I guess now that I have gotten all that out and on the table.. what do you suggest? I am obviously a horrible parent, mother and wife.. so what do you want to do with her?

Going back to what happened last night, I still don’t really know how to feel about that. This was not the first time that she’s threatened Madison with bodily harm due a meltdown in her brain. I guess that this will not be the last either. I have taken the time to meditate on this and ask for help on understanding it and NOT killing her in her sleep over it. I just don’t think that it’s fair that Madison has to live in fear over something like that. No one should have to fear their own family, but I understand it happens. When I was about 10 or so, I did that to Jinger. I chased her into the bathroom which she was able to close the door before I actually got to her, and I put the knife through the door… THE WOOD OF THE DOOR. I was PISSED and CRAZY out of my mind, and I am pretty sure that I would of killed her had she of let me at her. I hated her so much for the same reasons that Taylor hates Madison, however, it’s not the same really because I was never an only child like she was. She gets on us all the time saying that we treat Madison so much better than her… not true. We treat her just like we treated Taylor when she was seven years old. I guess that Taylor never sees us get on Madison, but Madison sure does see us tear Taylor a new one… we treat them the same way just according to age and actions. Taylor is 13 and does some really bad stuff, so we treat her accordingly… If Madison stole hair color from the store, hid it from us and then turned her hair a different color, yes, she would get the same punishment as Taylor did… If all that Taylor did was the occasional drawing on the table or walls, stealing coasters to build houses for her ponies, or lying about not brushing her teeth before she went to bed, that would be a blessing and we would reprimand her according to the crime… Not stealing from the store, lying to everyone about it, coloring her hair against my very specific wishes, threatening her sister bodily harm with a knife… creating fake facebook pages so that she can correspond with older MEN… not boys… calling these boys incurring international calling fees that were twice our normal bill… Plus, the cutting and the stealing AND THE lying to her friends (so much that they dropped her like a bad habit and then called me to throw her under the bus…) you get it? The list goes on and on… When is Cal Farley’s going to call?? I hate that Nana and Poppy are seeing this side of her, but I’m kinda glad that they are… It seems to justify the move to Cal Farley’s to me for some reason. I don’t think that they ever believed that their little angel was able to do half the things that I told them about… but they know now. Not that I needed permission to send my own child to this place, but it’s a whole lot easier to have them on my side while it’s all going on.

EOTW AS WE KNOW IT.

2011-05-19T22:48:00.002-05:00

Okay, I found this online and I think that I am of the same mind on this... So..

2011 makes sense? I don't think you can be serious. It's just another example of pseudo-religious bunk by people trying to interpret the bible to fit in with their own crackpot ideas. This time the perpetrator is Harold Camping. Here is his 'calculation': "The number 5, Camping concluded, equals "atonement." Ten is "completeness." Seventeen means "heaven." Camping patiently explained how he reached his conclusion for May 21, 2011. "Christ hung on the cross April 1, 33 A.D.," he began. "Now go to April 1 of 2011 A.D., and that's 1,978 years." Camping then multiplied 1,978 by 365.2422 days -the number of days in each solar year, not to be confused with a calendar year. Next, Camping noted that April 1 to May 21 encompasses 51 days. Add 51 to the sum of previous multiplication total, and it equals 722,500. Camping realized that (5 x 10 x 17) x (5 x 10 x 17) = 722,500. Or put into words: (Atonement x Completeness x Heaven), squared." In other words, it's total numerological nonsense. Add, subtract and multiply various numbers until they give the result you want. As for 2012, there won't be any catastrophic physical event or change and there won't be any other sort of change. When 21st December 2012 arrives and Planet X or Nibiru has once again failed to appear, there is no sign of a pole shift, the galactic alignment turns out to be a damp squib and we haven't been scorched by any solar flares, the woo-woos will proclaim it's a "new beginning" or a "change in consciousness". In reality, nothing will change and everything will carry on just as before. Source(s):http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/ article.cgi?f=/c/a/2010/01/01/ BA8V1AV589.DTL http://www.2012hoax.org

Plus, I guess that I will make a cake. It will be multi purposed since May 21st is also Jamie's birthday. What a sucky gift. Happy Birthday, here's the apocalypse. Do you (in the back of your mind) not wish for something like a new mp3 player when you blow your candles out? Oh please birthday wish god don't let a zombie eat my brain for lunch. Yeah, I think that would work better. Remember rule number one: CARDIO. So put down that fork and don't get two scoops of ice cream to help wash that cake down your gullet. You might not have the energy to board up every window in your house to keep the zombies away.

Then again, if we are still left here staring at one another that means that we didn't make the cut and it's time to eat, drink, an do Mary (whomever SHE is) until we either die of natural causes, ARE indeed eaten by zombies or kill each other in cold blood due to some crazy ass madness or disease that was released into the wild... I find that hard to believe since ALL the scientists will still be here with us... Either way its time to party! Sooooo.. Happy Birthday James! Here's a helmet to keep zombies from eating your brain for lunch. Enjoy.

What is that stabbing pain in my head?? Oh, it's YOU.

2011-04-14T21:36:00.000-05:00

Ugh, what a HORRIBLE Thursday. This morning I get up in a GREAT mood, put on some really cute clothes and Christian comes home complaining to me about how he was treated at Walgreens and something that I put in my blog yesterday. I missed saying goodbye to my little one, and I was just SO irritated with him by this point that I couldn't see straight. He even went as far to open my blog up on his laptop to show me the exact sentence that bothered him.
Let me say this, I was NOT trying to single him out yesterday about how our finances are in a hole. It is OUR finances and OUR problem, not just his or mine, so when I said something about waiting on the check from the government to get us out a hole that Christian got us into, that was indeed NOT what was meant. True, he is primarily responsible for our finances, but I spend money too for whatever, so I am just as responsible. This does not mean that I am angry or upset at him by any measure, just that because he is the primary bread winner, that was the name that was said. Yes, I should of used 'us' and 'our', but I did not and he brought to my attention that I misworded that topic and thought that I was upset about something, which I was not. We DO have a LOT of eggs in ONE basket, which we are waiting on the check to take care of, but honestly, we DON'T we have that going on? We live paycheck to paycheck mostly, and that isn't enough to make it most months. So, I am sorry for not explaining what I actually meant by the notion that he is solely responsible for OUR finances. I apologize. Okay, back to this morning... Once that was talked about and I explained that I was indeed NOT upset or what not at him, the gears turned to Walgreens, in which I promptly called and spoke to a managing pharmacist to reconcile what the hell just happened on Christian's way home from work. I asked him to pick up a bag of insulin needles, which in the past (up until this yahoo) had never been a problem. However, THIS morning it was. I am sure that Christian felt profiled by this guy and honestly talking to him on the phone I never got that impression. He explained to me that Christian had no 'proof' that I was a diabetic, which was true, but you kinda have to question some guy who rolls up on a Harley at the drive through at Walgreens so early in the morning. Sure, it's an EXPENSIVE Harley, but none the less you get that stereotypical, dirty, shady, easy rider kinda thoughts going through your head... Hat on backwards, leather vest on, unshaven.. ( IN other words, TOTALLY HOOOOOT!!!) You almost can't help yourself from judging that book by it's cover. Although wrong, and TOTALLY AGAINST THE LAW, I might add, it happens, and I am sure that was going through his head at the time, as it normally does.. Ooooh, big scary biker.. whatever. Pussycat in wolves clothing, that is all he is, and I know from past experiences some of the scariest and dirtiest bikers that I have come across are really nice and have some really awesome stories to tell. Meet a biker and learn something.. There, my PSA for today. ANYHOOOO... I was really 'stern' with the guy on the phone, but as he explained the reasoning to me, I understood it and totally agreed with it, however, and I explained this to him, THIS was the FIRST time that ANYONE has explained that to me, and I have been going there to that very same Walgreen's for over FIVE YEARS, and I am just NOW hearing these 'rules'? WTF?? I told him that I would be up there in about 20 minutes and promptly hung up the phone.

So, I got off the phone with him, grabbed a COLD bottle of insulin from the fridge and headed my unhappy, half dressed, no make up wearing TIRED ass to Walgreens to meet this SOB that was keeping me from something that I needed to LIVE. I get there, take the insulin from my purse, set it on the counter and look him dead in the eye.. I am Jennifer Tatsch (you killed my father, prepare to die) and I would really like some insulin needles to go with this insulin that I have been stabbing into my belly for the last SEVEN PLUS years. He looked at me, and said "Okay, what kind do you need?" This sparked a conversation with him, me and the supervising pharmacist who just happened to be there (obviously waiting for me to actually show up). After some relived conversation backed with law gook and unrelated banter, he put in my electronic chart that I am a diabetic and he got my needles, all the while assuring me that this will never happen again. Right. Oh, and I didn't have to pay the $2 for the needles either, he just handed them to me and said "I'm not going to charge you for these cuz of all that happened here" Yeah, this fucking DEBACLE could of been avoided if SOMEONE at SOME point had explained the rules to me. Something that we all say at Pickett crossed my mind here.. I don't mind playing the game, just explain the rules to me before we start.

I leave, and come home to finish getting ready and take my insulin.. Christian is on the back porch smoking and I start to walk out... He stops me and says that we have to talk to Taylor again for something that he found in her diary in which she left practically begging to be read on the dining room table. So we walk out to the car and I light a cig as we pick apart this notebook. Ugh, I am NOT happy about ANYTHING that I read in this book. She is back to having several boys on her plate, one which is 22, lives in Alaska and she calls her 'lover', who has proposed marriage and an exit strategy to get her out of my house and so on... I have some understanding of that since I married Jeff just to get out of the fucked up life that was my parents house, but I didn't think that it was THAT bad for her here. I mean, I understand, I just worry that she is going through this WAY before I did.. Now mind you, I was madly in love with Michael by this point of my young adulthood (err, adolecence) and doing WAY more sexually than I SHOULD of by that age, but I was in love with ONE guy and I stayed with him for a long enough time to allow my actions (or so I thought then). So, I am NOT a step ahead here on the many notches that she is collecting right now. I don't know how to bring this up to her in any other way than how my parents brought it to me, which kinda freaks me out. I fear that I am turning into my grandmother, which is okay.. and NOT my mother, because she's crazy and never had any advice that to this day I wish that I had actually listened to...

She is growing up WAY too fast and these guys just fawn over her because she talks like she does to them. They don't know that she is 13 years old, at least I HOPE that they don't know... She talks to them like a grown adult and I fear that there is quite a bit of sexual behavior going on, which is a Class C Misdemeanor in the state of Texas..

The dates on these entries were from last weekend saying that she was talking to them, which means that she was 'borrowing' her friends phone, which is OFF limits to her. I just can't tell her enough that she needs to enjoy her adolecence because it goes away really fast and one day she will wish that she had it all back to enjoy. But I guess that we all say that don't we? Unless of course your childhood ROYALY sucked and being an adult was WAY better... Ya know, the bills, rent, holding down a real job, car payments and insurance for it and yourself, all while you know EVERYTHING... It's a wonder why we don't just start as adults and go backwards like Mork from Ork... Yeah, no. I wouldn't repeat it at all either, and as much as adulthood sucks, it's still better than living with my parents under their roof and their rules, so I GET what her issue is, but I thought that I was cooler than Nana and her BS parenting. I guess not. She wants out so bad that she can taste it, and I am trying to oblidge her by getting her into Cal Farley's (which called me today to tell me that she is on the list now, so it's just a waiting game now) and giving her some breathing room along with some much needed help that I obviously can't provide. ugh.. The notebook made me sad for her. My knowing how she actually feels broke my heart, but that isn't unusual for her to do to me really. I am sorta used to it now and typically just shake my head and carry on with more weight in my heart than I can stand.

I waved off any more talk of the notebook and I finally got in my car. It is now 8:00, which is when I am supposed to be at my desk, and I have an hour of driving to go, so I kissed Christian and drove off. Now feeling really sad and upset with how everything had unfolded this morning. I began to realize that the really nice dress that I put on initially to impress my husband (that I hardly ever see anymore) was now more of a pronounced saving grace towards my mood and sinking heart. I get to the airport and he calls. I am not really in the mood to talk to him, so I keep it short. He then tells me that the ONLY lighter that I have is in his pocket (he grabbed mine since his was inside as we stood out in the parking lot discussing Taylor's diary, and not thinking he placed it in his pocket), to which I yell at him for it and feel even worse because I coudn't even smoke to make myself feel better... I drove to the closest gas station and bought one though, so I can't really be too mad at him anymore. He texted me after I sent one regarding my staying in bed this morning saying something about wishing that I had stayed in bed so that he could snuggle with me, and I responded with 'not today, not in the mood', which I later apologized for... How horrible he must of felt for that, so I am glad that I apologized. I honestly just didn't feel the love right then and instead of waving off the feeling and being all cute, I just let it run. I got to work around 9 and vented over the first morning's merth session (smoke break)...
I need a vacation.

Slow, but moving forward...

2011-04-13T12:01:00.003-05:00

Well, we have the next step to Taylor's future. They are requesting ppw for her like immunization records and birth certificate.. so I hope that the next thing that we get is the invitation to go out there and see the place. Sadly, we are having to drag our feet due to the money situation that the governement and Christian has put us in, but it will be moving again here soon. He called the IRS last Friday and they said that they 'injured spouse' form had moved to an able body's hands, so we should be hearing something on that within the week... I hope.

We are now 9-2 in the regular season with the Texas Rangers. Saturday was a double header due to some weather issues on Friday. It was a win one lose one there. We shut out Detroit on Monday only to be bested by them by only one run on Tuesday... Hamilton broke his arm during that game and is out for at least 8 weeks. Great. I don't think that Coach Ron should of called that run, the ball was in front of him and then again, Hamilton was rather aggressive, but wasn't that what we hired him for? Now he will have to sit out for at least 8 weeks on the mend while we 'try' to suffer through the season without him. We have another shot at the Tigers today at noon. Man, these games are kicking my working ass.. I can't seem to get the game on my radio (my phone), and ESPN online isn't presenting the game like they are on 103.3, which is SUPPOSED to be the same damn thing.. I don't get it, but maybe Stephen will turn up his radio today so that I can actually hear the game. I wonder if CVS has a little radio that I could go buy? Is it really that important? Yes... No. Today is the last mid day game for awhile.. There's one on Saturday against the Yankees, but I will be home for that one... so, no. I will just go get a burger and sit in my car listening to the first half there I guess, then try to catch what I can online once I get back. Ugh, c'mon night games, I already miss ya.

So we are getting a new AC installed at Pickett and it sounds like elephants are trying to bust in the building. Poor Hope is just WAITING for something to go wrong and the ceiling come caving on her so she can claim worker's comp.. I think that I might stand in there with her, but since I am still contract, I will get nothing. Yeah, have NO idea what I will be doing come August once this contract runs out. I am scared because my unemployment has run out and I can't claim against Pickett since I am contract only, so what the hell will I do then? Between August and January is all the really cool holidays too.. The REALLY expensive ones, so I guess that I will have to get something at the mall or something... ANYTHING. I cna't jsut sit on my arse waiting for Pickett to either hire me full time or just use me as a contractor. I have to do something if not for money, then for my sanity. Ugh..

Oh, totally unrealated.. the clutch cable on the bike decided to snap, so it's in the shop. We are sharing the car until otherwise notified, but the bike IS at Harley being seen today so it's no longer sitting in a Wendy's parking lot, so I feel better about that.

Dear IRS,
Where is that damn check??
Sincerely,
Broke Ass Bitch

I'll have a great weekend with a side of Ice cube on wheels...

2011-03-29T21:39:00.005-05:00

Alright. We’re back from the trip. Man, that was brutal. Not the way down but the way up. The way down was really nice and we had a blast getting there, but the ride back was layered with freezing cold temperatures and killer wind mixed with drizzle which going 75mph becomes drenched frozen riders. We ended up stopping in Stephensville, getting a hotel for the night and braving out the weather there in the warmth of the room. We both walked in, stripped down, turned the heat on high and fell on the bed waiting to regain feeling in our appendages. Now, before you write a bunch of shit about how this was ALL our fault and our choice to do all this, let me tell you this… We DID our homework on the weather. We did our homework on the roads and so on as well. This possible weather system that hit us was a long shot. In fact the weather man said that it would pass us over and if we did get it, the low was still only going to be mid 60’s, which we could of handled with the gear that we had, but it was actually 53 degrees with drizzle which makes for a really COLD ride, especially with the gear that we took with us, which was just enough to keep us from becoming ice cubes, but that is all. So we braved the weather on Monday, which was merely a few degrees warmer, but the sun was sorta out so that made a huge difference.

The time in New Braunsfels was awesome.. We got to stay with Jay and Kallie at their house which was really nice of them to allow us to do. It saved us some hotel money so we were able to do some stuff that we weren’t going to be able to do otherwise, plus we were able to afford the hotel in Stephensville when we were unable to go any further. THAT was a blessing. Topher and his wife Angie came down Saturday night which was really great since I think the last time I saw him was Christian’s birthday party more than a year ago and seeing Angie was even longer since she didn’t come to the party. We got to their house somewhere around 6 ish on Friday, and rested just long enough to get hungry for dinner. We went to a really cool Mexican restaurant in Gruene called Adobe Verde which was really packed, but since there was a playground for the kids, it wasn’t too bad waiting for a table. Dinner was great, but because we were SO tired, dinner was almost a waste on us. When we got back to the house, the babysitter was waiting for us. I had just gotten my second wind and I was ready to go out, but Christian was really tired, so he was not a lot of fun that night. After a few drinks and a sing along at AJ’s, we went home, took showers and passed out.

Saturday morning we got up and went to Shobels. There needs to be one of these in Dallas.. This place was AWESOME and the food was really tasty. It was nice and quiet and not busy at all which was a welcome thing since we were still dealing with road fatigue from the 7 hours on the bike the day before. Saturday was really nice. It was just hanging out with Christian, which was really cool since I don’t really see him much anymore these days. We went to the Caverns and looked at rocks. It was actually really cool minus the BRUTAL up and down walk that was involved. Yeah, it is 70 degrees in there all year around, but 99% humidity will KILL ya, especially being in the pristine physical condition that we are both in. Afterwards, we got a bag o’ dirt to take outside to pan through for gems, which we found quite a bit of stuff in. It was really fun to do even though it fell into the ‘cheesy’ category, it was still fun. Since Topher and Angie were going to stay in the casa D’Jay that night, we left the caverns and went to the hotel to check in. The hotel was okay, but the bathroom was clean and so was the room, so I was good. We decided to take a short nap, which turned into me getting involved in a movie while Christian slept. We texted Jay to see what the next move was and he informed us that he had purchased some theatre tickets for a show that night, so off we went.

Dinner was awesome.. we went back to Gruene and hit the Gristmill. I had the chicken sandwich again just like last time… Jay and Kallie, Topher and Angie met us out there and we all had dinner together plus conversation for awhile before we had to meet the sitter. We filled up on dinner and went back to the house to drop off the kiddos. Once we dropped off the kids with the sitter we headed out to Austin. We parked somewhere around sixth street and walked around a little bit before the show. We got to the show around 9:00 or so, bought a few drinks and got settled in. This was a really great idea and it was a hilarious show. I totally recommend this to ANYONE in Austin. It’s called Esther’s Follies and it’s a great show! I loved every second of it and I loved that Kallie and Jay thought of it. Great fun!

The show let out around 11:00 or so, and we all piled back in the van to go back to Jay’s so Christian and I could go back to the hotel for another night’s sleep. He fell asleep in the van on the way home. I think that he was just not able to get caught up on the sleep that he needed to be fun that night, so that was night two that he was just flat out exhausted. I felt bad for him, and I let him sleep as much as he could on the way back to Jay’s house to get the bike. Once we got back to the hotel, after stopping at Mc D’s for a snack, we sat up and watched some tele, and then passed out. Sunday we met at Shobels again (yumm) and headed out. We braved the winter mix till Stephensville… We stopped every 20 minutes to warm up and a few times we stopped to have hot chocolate or something to eat or smoke. It was WAY too cold to go any further than 15 or 20 miles at a time without stopping…. And now we are back around.

Kallie, Zander and Riley at Adobe Verde

Jay and Zander - Look alikes!

my first stripe of the season

One of the larger rooms at the caverns

Mc D's BEFORE the freeze!

Look out for the FROZEN UNIBOMBER!!

PS: On a more personal note, I loved going to see Jay and Kallie and the babies. The ride, though trecherous, did NOT turn me off of doing it again. Never a bad ride, just bad gear, and I totally agree with that still. I loved seeing Topher and Angie, and spending some well needed alone time with my baby. I was really okay with having to stay another night alone with Christian regardless of the reason. I really do love my brothers and their wives they are all a wonderful bunch of people and it's cool that they still call me 'jj', I don't think that I will ever really grow out of that with them and that is okay... It keeps me young. I can't wait till the next time that we all get together again... and the next time that I get to sleep next to my hubby without a dog, or a child between us. I really needed this weekend and although there was some rough times, it was still well worth the effort and time envolved. Thanks hon, for a wonderful weekend with you. We needed it. I love you!!

Ah, Christianity at it's FINEST! AKA - Selective Christianity.

2011-03-18T08:39:00.002-05:00

This is a LONG read but worth discussing. Please don't hesitate to leave your comments on your way out of here. And yes, I left the full article in tact JIC you want to order the booklet or what not. Maybe you should ask your new cult for the postage.
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There is a new twist in the old Shepherding Movement and it is coming soon to your church, if it hasn’t already. This new twist is presented to pastors wrapped in silver gilding, and looks quite reasonable and rational. Should a discerning pastor, or one who steeps himself in the Word, take a second look, the gild disappears and in its place will appear rust and corrosion. Across the country, parishioners are now being challenged to take oaths, perform vows and sign covenants. These things would have been unheard of in generations past for one simple reason. These things used to be forbidden, or only permitted under the gravest of circumstances. A few decades ago churches founded their beliefs sturdily upon the rocks of historical creeds, documents that have withstood the test of time and human whim, and which have imparted to each new generation an understanding of the major tenets of the Gospel faith. Now, in our latter days of dumbed-down Christianity, a minimal number of people in the pews know the creeds, have studied them, or even know about them! And it is no wonder. A few years ago a pastor told a particularly grievous story. He had attended a meeting with pastors from his conservative denomination. At the meeting the men were handed paper and pencils and asked to come up with their own creeds. This pastor was duly horrified! Courageously he stood to speak against this. The great historical creeds of Christianity, he stated, were wrought in the fires of persecution, under great seriousness and solemn efforts to preserve the Truth of the Gospel. Wasn’t this a frivolous, touchy-feely kind of exercise? Should a handful of men in an auditorium even dare to presume to be able to come up with such a ponderous document in a few short minutes with paper and pencil, he asked. His protest, sadly, was greeted with scorn and ridicule. The New Covenants Churches which have come under the influence of Rick Warren, Lyle Schaller, Bob Buford, or any of the other church growth business-model experts, have undergone profound changes. They will have adopted a Mission Statement, Core Values, and Vision, often through a “consensus” and “dialogue” technique. In order to become a member of these churches, parishioners are required to sign an oath to uphold their church’s covenant. The word “covenant,” which used to have biblical significance, is now applied liberally to this new church structure, apparently to give it credibility. These churches post their covenants on the internet, presumably so that “seekers” will read about their church. Each church which has adopted this new model of membership is exactly like each other church. They are all cut from the same mold. “New Age” Unitarian churches have adopted the same plan as Presbyterian Reformed churches. Baptist, Assembly of God, Nazarene…. the list could go on and on. The new church structure is cross-denominational. Everybody’s plan looks exactly like everybody else’s plan, even though some churches have been led to believe that they had reached their own “original” or “grassroots” plan. This new plan came from on high, and it was carefully calculated to lure pastors and leaders into its new system of church governance. This emergent church is hierarchical in nature. It is a top-down management structure, resembling the old shepherding models of the 1970s. There is an over-emphasis on “leaders” and “leadership” and “leadership potential.” In many of these churches, leaders are given complete authority over the lives of those in their flocks. The Valley Church Servant Leader Covenant is a typical model. The aspiring leader makes a commitment with the church: "As a servant of God in The Valley Church, I want to unite with my fellow servant leaders at this time to undertake commitments appropriate for leadership.These commitments are made in the first place between me and the Lord, and in the second place between me and this community. Realizing that I may fail at times to fully keep these commitments, I think it is important that I purpose in my heart and confirm publicly my desire to keep them. Although this covenant may be changed in coming years this is where we presently stand as a church." A list of “Spiritual Commitments” includes a daily prayer life; regular time in God’s Word; active involvement in a small group (usually a cell group); responding obediently to God’s discipline; purposing to discover, develop and use spiritual gifts; living a moral life, maintaining a healthy family life; attending church services; tithing; and supporting the leadership. Most church covenants emphasize the word “all” or “everyone” in their statements such as “Everyone involved in a weekly or ongoing ministry” or “everyone involved in discipleship experience.” No one is excepted. Each church covenant includes a section pertaining to resolution of conflict. These examples are noteworthy in their extreme application of Matthew 18, in which the parishioner must agree to never speak “evil” of anyone or any leader in the church, including “negative” or “critical” statements about church policies or doctrines. Also, the conclusion of any dispute will be resolved by the leadership of the church, and the parishioner must agree beforehand to submit to their discipline. Membership is described as the “gateway to leadership.” Everyone is presumed a potential leader. Aspiring leaders must make additional commitments, usually called “responsibilities,” which have to do with evangelism, promoting church programs, discipling others, agreeing to be held accountable, and undergoing periodic “continuing education.” There is a signature line and a date at the bottom of these covenants for people to sign, indicating their commitment to abide by this new church structure. Some churches require that their members sign the covenant yearly. Others only require it upon membership. Some churches require strict adherence to the oaths, and promise that they will hold the members accountable. Other churches leave wiggle room for people who fail. One church states: “While nothing is set in stone, nor do we track your fulfillment of the covenant items, this Covenant does give you an idea of the level of commitment we consider membership to be here.” Some churches reveal that their covenants may change, although it is not specified whether the parishioners will be able to participate in this process, or be given a chance to re-sign the oath at that time." The use of New Age terminology is often mixed with biblical-sounding language. One church explains why it is necessary for its parishioners to sign a “pledge”: “…a pledge is a solemn promise (which is an indication of future excellence) characterized by deep thought. That is exactly the kind of spiritual practice I would have us engage in! To make a pledge is to enter into an agreement, and to agree is to be of one mind. A pledge holds more potential than I ever realized…. Let us consider making and keeping agreements that express that harmony and oneness.” Another church explains that their “collective consciousness on social issues” is “not enforced legalistically but members agree to embrace them….” Yet another church states that a “membership covenant implies a clear ownership of the core values, beliefs, vision, and mission that function as the DNA of congregational life embedded into every leader” for a “shared identity.” A few churches, which were originally founded upon a congregational model, give slightly more freedom to lay people in leadership and decision-making roles. However, this new church structure is markedly characterized by the demise of congregational forms of church governance. In fact, some churches have re-written their bylaws, and make them part of the actual church covenant which must be signed. In these cases the parishioner is then signing a legal contract as well as joining a church body. ThatChurch! is probably the scariest example of the new covenant, found on a brief internet search: “Congregational members do not have the right to vote in business matters of the church….All governmental authority in the church shall be vestedin the Director of Ministries, the Board of Directors, and the Leadership Team as set forth in the Articles of Incorporation and Bylaws of the Church.” The leaders can prescribe that members take any courses of study at any time. Members are accepted into the church at the sole discretion of the “Director of Ministries” and must fulfill “responsibilities” such as “follow and support the leadership of this church as they follow the Lord.” In exchange they are offered “rights and privileges” which include permission to attend worship services; entitlement to receive Christian teaching, personal pastoral care, and prayer support; and opportunities to grow in the Lord. In an ominous revivification of the shepherding movement, ThatChurch!’s bylaws indicate, “Grounds for discipline will be determined by the leadership of the church.” Many paragraphs later, after incredibly detailed explanations of how disciplinary functions will be carried out, it becomes evident that the church leaders retain the right to bar members from the “rights and privileges” listed earlier in their bylaws. But, it isn’t over yet. Each member must consent in advance “to the exclusive jurisdiction of the church in resolving any matter involving church discipline.” Further, there is an elaborate explanation of mediation/arbitration and “outcome” of such discipline, including agreeing to “specifically and expressly [waive] any right to sue in a civil court on any matter covered herein.” Rick Warren Driving the Church Dr. Robert Klenck, an orthopedic surgeon, has been speaking out at conferences around the country about the origination of this new covenant agenda. He explains that Rick Warren’s book, The Purpose-Driven Church, has sold over a million copies and that over 150,000 pastors and church leaders have been trained in his model.1 Rick Warren was mentored by Peter Drucker, a corporate management guru with strong ties to the New Age/New World Order. Drucker “influenced the start and growth of Saddleback Church.”2 Drucker has dedicated much effort into bringing the church into conformance with the “systems” model of governance, which is known as Total Quality Management in the corporate world. In this model, parishioners are “customers.” The focus shifts to “outcomes” which means that people will have to be held “accountable” for “performance.” Certain rewards (“rights”) and “responsibilities” accompany these outcomes, and a small group structure like cell groups is a perfect way to ensure that people are meeting these “outcomes.” These “outcomes” or expectations are driven by people, not by the Lord or His Word. By implication, if one doesn’t meet the “outcomes,” there may be “penalties” such as the ones prescribed by ThatChurch! According to Klenck there are rapidly developing networks for “21st century churches” and “best practice churches.” These networks are databasing churches and parishioners. Chief among the organizations spearheading this change is the Leadership Network, which provides “technical assistance” for orchestrated “continuous” change in churches, fitting churches neatly into the business model. Peter Drucker grew up under the influence of the German philosophies of the 1800s. His “systems” theories are based on “General Systems Theory” (GST) which is esoteric, derived from a merger of social Darwinism and eastern mysticism. GST believes that man is evolving to a higher-order. In order for this to occur, man must become unified and of one consciousness. Drucker developed the theory of a 3-legged stool –Corporate, State and “private sector” (Church). The first half of his long life (he is 94 years old) was devoted to merging Corporate and State into one “system.” The second half of his life has been devoted to merging Church with Corporate, and Church with State into one comprehensive system. He has been wildly successful. Drucker is a communitarian, which is a modern “communist” who has effectually distanced their views from the old communists. In his communitarian model of governance, the State is in reality the only leg of the stool. The Corporate and the Church subsume their identities and comfortably merge with State into one comprehensive “system” of governance for mankind. Drucker’s ideas gave rise to the faith-based institution movement of the last decade. Indeed, it is noteworthy that the highest concentration of the new “covenant” style churches can be found in the faith-based arena. The federal bills in Washington that originally began dispersing funds to churches that were doing welfare reform, job training, etc. required that these churches exhibit “ecumenicity.” Churches receiving federal dollars must be held “accountable” One significant way to achieve this goal is to transform the churches into the Corporate/State mode of governance, using the “systems” model. It is not uncommon, therefore, to find that faith-based, government-financed “covenant” churches are requiring even more of their members. Members at one such church in Pennsylvania must participate in daily e-mails from the pastor, evening worship several nights a week, daily intercession activities, cell group activities, and up to 5 hours per week of “community service” in any of over a dozen state-funded, community-based “ministries.” Churches like this one have become “centers” for State charity work. They then become “accountable” to the “State” for the monies that they receive. When one signs an oath to uphold the covenant of this type of church, they are also agreeing to uphold the State/ Church relationship! What Does God’s Word Say? "Again, ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, Thou shalt not forswear thyself, but shalt perform unto the Lord thine oaths: But I say unto you, Swear not at all; neither by heaven; for it is God’s throne: Nor by the earth; for it is his footstool: neither by Jerusalem; for it is the city of the great King. Neither shalt thou swear by thy head, because thou canst not make one hair white or black.But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil." (Matthew 5:33-37) "But above all things, my brethren, swear not, neither by heaven, neither by the earth, neither by any other oath: but let your yea be yea; and your nay, nay; lest ye fall into condemnation." (James 5:12) According to Webster’s, a “covenant” is a “binding, and solemn agreement made by two or more individuals, parties, etc. do to or keep from doing a specified thing.” Covenants can be legally binding contracts. “Covenant” can also mean “an agreement among members of a church to defend and maintain its doctrines, polity, faith, etc.” Covenants are supposed to be irrevocable, unchanging and binding on those who made it. It is the strongest expression of a relationship. An “oath” is a “ritualistic declaration, typically based on an appeal to God or a god,or to some revered person or object, that one will speak the truth, keep a promise, remain faithful, etc.” An oath, therefore, is a sworn promise to keep the terms of a covenant or agreement. The oath is a verbal statement or pledge to keep the covenant. Related to the word “oath” are the words “vow” and “pledge.” The issue of taking oaths came up a few years ago when the men of Promise Keepers were making seven promises. It is possible that PK broke the ground on this matter, desensitizing Christians to the whole idea of taking an oath. On the one hand, the “promises,” like those of PK, seemed like 7 “suggestions” and trivialized the whole idea of keeping commandments. On the other hand, it is important to realize that in the spirit world, there is great significance to these matters. There are rituals that accompany these activities, and it is believed that curses accompany broken covenants or failure to keep an oath or vow. Pagans would invoke the name of a deity to set evil in motion. Secret societies such as freemasons require oaths. This explains one major reason why the Lord Himself would state the issue so strongly in His Sermon on the Mount. Historically, Christians have agreed with these Scriptures and opposed oath-taking. These verses from Scripture were considered to be so vital for a Christian that at the time of the Reformation both the Anabaptist and Reformed branches of the church addressed them in their creeds. From the Reformed branch, from which arose churches such as Congregational, Lutheran, Anglican and Presbyterian, came the Westminster Confession of Faith, Article 22: Of Lawful Oaths and Vows. "I. A lawful oath is a part of religious worship, wherein upon just occasion, the person swearing solemnly calleth God to witness what he asserteth or promiseth; and to judge him according to the truth or falsehood of what he sweareth. "II. The name of God only is that by which men ought to swear, and therein it is to be used with all holy fear and reverence; therefore to swear vainly or rashly by that glorious and dreadful name, or to swear at all by any other thing, is sinful, and to be abhorred. Yet, as, in matters of weight and moment, an oath is warranted by the Word of God, under the New Testament, as well as under the Old, so a lawful oath, being imposed by lawful authority, in such matters ought to be taken. "III. Whosoever taketh an oath ought duly to consider the weightiness of so solemn an act, and therein to avouch nothing but what he is fully persuaded is the truth. Neither may any man bind himself by oath to any thing but what is good and just, and what he believethsoto be, and what he is able and resolved to perform. Yet it is a sin to refuse an oath touching any thing that is good and just, being imposed by lawful authority. "IV. An oath is to be taken in the plain and common sense of the words, without equivocation or mental reservation. It can not oblige to sin; but in any thing not sinful, being taken, it binds to performance, although to a man's own hurt: nor is it to be violated, although made to heretics or infidels. "V. A vow is of the like nature with a promissory oath, and ought to be made with the like religious care, and to be performed with the like faithfulness. "VI. It is not to be made to any creature, but to God alone: and that it may be accepted, it is to be made voluntarily, out of faith and conscience of duty, in way of thankfulness for mercy received, or for obtaining of what we want; whereby we more strictly bind ourselves to necessary duties, or to other things, so far and so long as they may fitly conduce thereunto. "VII. No man may vow to do any thing forbidden in the Word of God, or what would hinder any duty therein commanded, or which is not in his own power, and for the performance of which he hath no promise or ability from God. In which respects, monastical vows of perpetual single life, professed poverty, and regular obedience, are so far from being degrees of higher perfection, that they are superstitious and sinful snares, in which no Christian may entangle himself." Especially note Sections VI and VII, in which oaths were to be voluntary, a personal matter of conscience, unto God alone, not contrary to the Word of God, and in utter dependence upon God to keep. Also of relevance is Article 20, Section II, which pertains to blind obedience, destruction of liberty of conscience, and loss of reason: "II. God alone is Lord of the conscience, and hath left it free from the doctrines and commandments of men which are in any thing contrary to his Word, or beside it in matters of faith on worship. So that to believe such doctrines, or to obey such commandments out of conscience, is to betray true liberty of conscience; and the requiring an implicit faith, and an absolute and blind obedience, is to destroy liberty of conscience, and reason also." The new oaths and covenants run counter to the historical Reformed church on many counts. Whereas previously the Ten Commandments would have been taught, now they are replaced by new church laws which are subjective and potentially heretical. Previously these churches would have taught that Christ won on the cross liberty from the laws of men, and that the conscience is subject to God alone. The Reformed church used to teach that man lives by faith, and through His strength man is able to keep His commands. Now a new structure has been erected, with man-made laws, and man-directed accountability. The Anabaptist branch of the Church, from which came Baptists, the Pentecostals, and modern evangelicals, historically took a stronger stand and opposed taking oaths altogether. The Anabaptist beliefs can best be summarized by the Dordrecht Confession of Faith (1632): "XV. Of the Swearing of Oaths Concerning the swearing of oaths we believe and confess that the Lord Christ has set aside and forbidden the same to His disciples, that they should not swear at all, but that yea should be yea, and nay, nay; from which we understand that all oaths, high and low, are forbidden, and that instead of them we are to confirm all our promises and obligations, yea, all our declarations and testimonies of any matter, only with our word yea, in that which is yea, and with nay, in that which is nay; yet, that we must always, in all matters, and with everyone, adhere to, keep, follow, and fulfill the same, as though we had confirmed it with a solemn oath.And if we do this, we trust that no one, not even the Magistracy itself, will have just reason to lay a greater burden on our mind and conscience. Matt. 5:34, 35; Jas. 5:12; II Cor. 1:17." The Schleithheim Confession (1527), Article 7 states, in part: "Seventh. We are agreed as follows concerning the oath: The oath is a confirmation among those who are quarreling or making promises. In the Law it is commanded to be performed in God's Name, but only in truth, not falsely. Christ, who teaches the perfection of the Law, prohibits all swearing to His [followers], whether true or false, --neither by heaven, nor by the earth, nor by Jerusalem, nor by our head, --and that for the reason which He shortly thereafter gives, For you are not able to make one hair white or black. So you see it is for this reason that all swearing is forbidden: we cannot fulfill that which we promise when we swear, for we cannot change [even] the very least thing on us." Even today the conservative Mennonites and Amish descendants of the original Anabaptists will not take an oath, but will instead “affirm.” Churches used to teach, even a generation ago, that any words that served no useful function should not be spoken, that it was wrong to “curse” (oaths, swear words), and that “minced oaths” were sinful (“Gosh,” “Gee,” “darn,” etc.). It used to be taught that even portions of oaths, such as “Well, I’ll be…” or “So help me…” were wrong to speak. In today’s loose climate of speech, action, and morality it is no wonder that oaths have now gained a foothold. Remember when a man’s word was “as good as gold”? Few remember or adhere to the old ways of integrity, honesty and forthrightness. The Trouble With Taking Oaths Shall men take an oath or make a promise that they have no intention of keeping? Shall they sign on to a covenant that they may break? Not only is this forbidden by Scripture, but in days past this would have been dishonorable and disgraceful act. One Christian writer, Paul Shirk, in his book, Come Out of Her My People, has expressed it well: "We…however much we swear, can never guarantee a course of action, therefore we say, 'if the Lord will, we shall live, and do this, or that,' for we know not what may be on the morrow. "Our yes and no should represent the honest intentions of the heart and will, but above that we risk falling into condemnation (James 5:12) for our inability to perform an oath. Originally the oath was used to commit the will to the proper course of action; now, men that have the Spirit of Truth are to simply affirm it with a “yes” and stand by their word."3 Matthew Henry, in his Commentaries on James 5:12, addressed this topic: "…those who swear commonly and profanely the name of God do hereby put Him upon the level with every common thing. Profane swearing was customary among the Jews. Some of the looser sort of those who were called Christians might be guilty also of this. But why above all things is swearing forbidden? Because it strikes most directly at the honor of God and throws contempt upon His name and authority. …Let it suffice you to confirm or deny a thing, and stand to your word, and be true to it, so as to give no occasion for your being suspected of falsehood. Then you will be kept from the condemnation of backing what you say or promise by rash oaths, and from profaning the name of God to justify yourselves." The new oaths and covenants put a pressure on church people –a pressure that comes, not from God but from man. Peer orientation, fear factors, and the demands to conform or meet expectations prevail. The focus is on self-mastery, not God-directed discipline. Some will do the bare minimum just to “get by.” For others, good deeds that were formerly done in secret, arising out of love and compassion, are now done openly and boldly so that leaders will see and approve. This new “gospel” of “works” requires one to neglect the unseen duties of life. One must perform visible deeds in order to meet requirements of “accountability” –even to the detriment of their God-given responsibilities. Women will especially suffer under this odious system, developed by corporate businessmen and perpetuated by institutional church men. Caring for elderly parents, nursing babies, chasing toddlers, raising handicapped children, homeschooling, or other family-oriented personal deeds of self-sacrifice and love which are performed on a hourly basis every day of the week, will go unnoticed and unrewarded in this new “system.” Fulfilling the onerous requirements and obligations of these types of covenants will be well-nigh impossible for those who are elderly, infirm, or duty-bound to others. Should these churches establish two tiers of membership –one for the “do-ers” and the other for the “be-ers”? Or are those who are less able or unable to meet the stringent requirements unwelcome? Indeed there is a certain elitism about the new church structure. Pastors who are true shepherds, quietly feeding their flocks on the hillsides of life, ministering to their births, deaths, illnesses and crises, can’t compete in this new system where everything is “purpose-driven.” This new style of church is for the Type-A personality who is “driven” by “results.” Everything is programmed according to modern business methods The little church in the vale isn’t good enough anymore –everything has turned into a “volunteer mobilization unit.” A Still Small Word There may be a reason for the upsurge in oaths and covenants. It may have to do with the agenda of Peter Drucker and his management gurus who wish to transform the Church into the likeness of the Corporation and the State. Historically, “citizens were required to take an oath of fealty. Starting from the year 1066, every English male took an oath of allegiance to the King of England. When the Protestants had established their power in England in 1688, additional oaths were required denouncing the Pope’s authority and the doctrine of transubstantiation.”4 In other words, States have required oaths and the Churches, whenever or wherever they have reigned supremely, have required oaths. "Wherever the nationally established Christian religions have taken root they have tried to use religious oaths as a means to bind the wills and consciences of men to their own expediency and have used various methods to argue that Christ never meant what he plainly said concerning the taking of oaths." 5 Oaths and covenants are a new form of legalism entering the church like a flood. They require more of us than Scripture requires. It is a horrible new form of bondage, accomplished in the name of a new church for the 21st century. This is a “transformation” not a “reformation.” It would return the church to the dark ages of oppressive State Church. This movement did not arise from God, but from the rapacious desires of evil men. If you have been caught up in this whole extravaganza, and are marching in this parade, it is time to slow down, stop and reflect. If you have taken an oath to one of these new covenants, you can repent. The Gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ does not require so much of us: “The Lord do so to me, and more also,” is God’s form of Old Testament oaths –a binding of judgment upon the soul. From this shackle the Lord frees us when He asks us to “Swear not at all.” If free from condemnation, why should we invite the judgment by taking the oath? (S.F. Coffman) "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30) "Now our Lord Jesus Christ himself, and God, even our Father, which hath loved us, and hath given us everlasting consolation and good hope through grace, comfort your hearts, and stablish you in every good word and work." (2 Thess. 2:16-17) Endnotes: 1. For solid documentation on Peter Drucker and his work with Rick Warren and others in the church growth movement, readers are referred to Readings In the Dialectic: Papers Presented at The Institution for Authority Research Diaprax Conferences, “How Diaprax Manifests Itself in the Church (Growth Movement),” Dr. Robert E. Klenck. This booklet is available for $15 plus shipping from the Institution for Authority Research, Box 233, Herndon, KS 67739, iardeangotcher@yahoo.com. 2. Http://www.fullydevoted.blogspot.com/2002_12_15_fullydevoted_archive.html , p. 3. 3. Come Out of Her My People by Paul Shirk, page164.This book, which is a scholarly apologetic work which effectively counters modern dominionist theology, is available from Discernment Ministries (PO Box 254, High Bridge, NJ 08829 -0254) for $11.00 plus postage.

PS: Hey Ricky.. lose my number.

New stuff.. some funny.. some not.. you decide.

2011-03-10T19:43:00.001-06:00

ME!

Christian on V-day

Madison new spring school pic

Okay, how much coke did Charlie Sheen snort? Enough to kill two and a half men. Totally on a random rant.. I must have TIGER BLOOD coursing through my veins.. TOO DAMN FUNNY.. Two words, CHARLIE SHEEN!!! He's just the BEST.. however, he seems to be losing steam since his bipolar pedulum has swung back to normal. I guess that he needs more Charlie Sheen.. it's a drug ya know. Then again, maybe his warlock powers healed him.. odd how that happened right after the state took his kids.

Bottled greatness ----> Funny ass video... Alright, I'm done. Wait, DUH, WINNING.. okay, NOW I'm done.

No new pics of Taylor for some odd reason. I don't think that they have even DONE any new pictures for the year yet. Odd, maybe I should ask someone. Anyways.. Pickett seems to be going fine so far... I just LOVE it there. Everyone is SO nice and really easy to deal with. I love my Brenda. She's like my bestie there and it's cool to have someone who actually KNOWS the business in your corner. She and I have become JIMMY JOHNS feinds lately.. Damn, that is yummy, and I am TOTALLY addicted to it. #9 Italian with no lettuce or tomatoes... SOOOO GOOOD. TOTALLY OBSESSED. Never going to Subway ever again. IN fact, I feel completely CHEATED out of YEARS of tasty subs by lowering my palate to accomidate Subway. How tragic.

Well, Christian should be moving to nights soon. I am looking forward to working longer nights due to him being home. Better paychecks, which will be great, but there is a darkness at the end of the summer when it all comes to a halt until next January. I guess that I will work something more retail until then. Ugh. I will be moving back to Plano for the summer again this year, which I look forward to reconnecting with my buds out there... I feel like they have all fallen off the earth since last summer, so that will be cool. It's more about the gas situation now.. It was because of conflicting schedules, but now that he will working from home, it's all about the horrible gas scenario going on out there. I will miss him, but to be honest, he'd be sleeping anyways, and working from home means that NO ONE can bother him LOCKED away in the bedroom, so us being gone until he has time for us seems to work out better for everyone. Especially since he sleeps during the day and the kids would be home all day.. wouldn't it just make better sense for us to be gone? We will see each other on the weekends or what not. It's not like it didn't work last year.. sure we missed one another, but we understood where we both were and we trust one another so where is the downside other than the obvious?

Just F#ing depressing.

Snow day.. take 4.. click!

2011-02-04T14:58:00.003-06:00

Okay, day four of the snow day saga.

Madison has had enough of the cable being out, the rolling black outs and the fact that all her favorite snacks are STILL at the grocery store and NOT in the kitchen where she can get to them.. I too feel the same way, but add the nights that Christian went to work, and I am doubly irritated. Some of the WORST driving conditions we’ve had in a LONG time, and there is my honey, driving in it just so the family can eat for another two weeks. Yes, I am working, but due to the weather, the office has been closed since Tuesday morning and with no work, no paycheck is soon to follow. I am hourly there and completely on contract, so I do not get paid even though the people who ARE on the payroll there do. Man, I HATE that. Oh wow, the heater just went off. It’s been running since Tuesday night… nope, everything else is on… humm. An odd moment of silence. I don’t know how to feel about that right now. I am sure that once the girls come back in from being outside it will come back on, but we’ll see. We probably broke it for all I know considering these apartments were built in the 1950’s, and I am almost certain that these heater units are just as old since they don’t get much use being in Texas. Where is GLOBAL WARMING when you NEED IT?? Ugh, well, Christian is asleep, (yes, he went to work last night.. poor guy) the girls are outside and I am sitting here brooding over the fact that I will not get a paycheck this week due to the weather. I am NOT a happy camper right now, JIC you couldn’t tell. It is amusing however to watch the ballet of cars outside my window. It makes me feel better every minute that I am NOT in my car trying to go somewhere. I think that just in the four days that I have been home, I’ve witnessed at the very least 20 wrecks, none fatal (thank goddess) but icy road rage was reborn right in front of my eyes… now THAT was something worth witnessing. People yelling at ice and snow and trees and... It was just a really awesome sight to watch. What a crazy bunch of humans thinking that they had ANY business trying to defeat Mother Nature and her cruel jokes. What a bunch of idiots. It IS fun to watch though.

I was supposed to be in Plano tonight and tomorrow night because Jinger had some 'super bowl' type things to do like a spa day and a dinner with Clint Black, but alas, here I am SNOWED into my little hovel awaiting some sign from Mother Nature that I can get out and drive without risking my neck or anyone else's for that matter. Still to no avail I sit here watching EVERY movie that I have downloaded since before Christmas. No one getting in or out, except my brave husband of course, who I assume leaves not because of the job but because of the strain of being in the house with these heathens for more than a few hours at a time. I don't blame him.. Hell, they are outside right now playing in the pneumonia ridden weather as we speak just so that I can have a moment of silence for myself. (Heater is still off BTW) They have been at each other for awhile and Goddess forbid that I try to keep these caged animals inside on such a 'fun' day. I must be nutz.

Well another idiot just got stuck outside. I can hear him trying to spin his wheels against what possible traction he might be experiencing in his head at this time. There ain't nothin guy, so stop trying. You shouldn't of left your house in the first place. I feel for the pizza guys/delivery drivers who are out there risking their necks so us 'sane' people can be inside with a cozy fire roaring away while we watch t.v. and eat this warm pizza pie. You better TIP these knights of the round pie, they are out there killing themselves so YOU can have dinner!! It may take them an hour or more.. don't you DARE call that Dominoes place to bitch about the time bitching about a freebie.. ask how the driver is doing and pray that your pizza makes it there before morning with an unfrazzled driver all in one piece.

Okay, here comes the sun doo do do doooo, but don't think for a second that the pond isn't STILL frozen and so are the roads. Now it's just REALLY bright out from the reflection off the snow... so watch out.

People are all getting out their blow up pool toys and taking advantage of this moment to sled down the slopes of the golf course. It's fun to watch them all play. My kids of course are still outside making something that resembles a snowman but really just looks like three basketballs sitting on one another with some sticks they found lying around protruding from them. Geeze, looking back on this blog I am quite the cynical one aren't I? It's actually quite beautiful outside and they kids are having a great time doing whatever it is that they are doing. I shouldn't be so mean about it all. I guess that I am just really annoyed with the four days of inclement weather that I am really just being a bah humbug about all of it. I guess that I am pissed off about my empty paycheck and how that is going to affect the family when it comes to paying bills this week.. oh, the heater just came back on.. great. I should be out there taking pictures of my children playing in the snow and maybe take the dog out there to get all snowy and stuff too... but here I am sitting in the warmth of the house typing about it. Pacifist. You suck.

I guess that I should get up and do some dishes or something. Uh-oh... I hear my chidren coming back in.. well, that was a short window. Madison is crying becuase she got stuck in a puddle.. brb. Here we all are watching UP! for the thrid time in four days. Gotta get Christian up outta bed here pretty shortly.. man, I ramble don't I? Geeze, she is FROZEN. Soaked and very cold. They stayed out WAY past the 30 minutes that I said for them to, then again, I got kinda lost here typing so it's not like I went out there and checked on them. Taylor is back upstairs singing her heart out... ugh. Well, I guess that I better go take more care of Madison and her frozen toes before they turn blue and fall off. At least that is what SHE thinks will happen.. ttyl.

Mags sitting all cozy in her blanket. Beating the cold as best she can.. poor puppy.

Christian helping some poor motorists get their van unstuck from the ice. Just too steep right there for anything to pass unless they are going too fast to stop at the top of the hill..

Here comes the sun...

Yep, I hope that they don't plan on going SWIMMING with those.

That car isn't supposed to be facing THAT way.. What the hell?

Oh and BTW, I finally got my hair cut. U like? I think that this is a length that I can work with and not be too annoyed with it. We'll see. So far I still wear it up and out of my face, but I really do like it... Just with all the static in the air and the fact that my hair is EXTREMELY thin.. it does weird things, so I just keep it up and back, but I do like it.

Night and Day..

2011-01-12T17:00:00.001-06:00

I found out that Christian will be going to nights again. Good, now I can hit the job market with a vengeance. Madison will be covered and we don't have to pay anyone to watch her. It looks like I will be going back to help dad out at Pickett for a few months until I can get a paying gig. I miss the girls at the office anyways, and being back in a social working environment will be healthy for me. Yeah, he throws me a bone every once in awhile, but for the most part it is more about helping him and getting back into the working socialization that I have missed. In other words, I won't become PERMANENTLY attached to my couch via my big fat ass. It's an hour away, but I think that the drive will do me some good and I will be able to spend some 'me' time driving back and forth to 'work'.
I will miss him at night, and we will go back to seeing each other only on weekends, so this will be tough on us both, but he seems to like nights better workflow wise, so I won't bitch too much about missing him in bed with me.

Speaking of 'me' time, it seems as though Deanna and Donell finally broke up. I guess that I really shouldn't say it like that, SHE broke up with HIM, and now I am pretty sure that she is dating someone else already whether she admits it or not. Which is why I was talking about the 'me' time thing. She needs to have some of that right now too, but she isn't taking anyone's advice. She is going through something, something BIG within herself and sadly she is losing friends left and right due to her trying to find herself while lying about everything short of her own name. I don't really understand all that, but I fear that she is merely the puppet in this. I fear that the guy she is 'seeing' is already deep in her brain about a lot of things. He is an older (about 10 years or so), bitter (due to a prior relationship) guy and he is turning her INTO him, just with boobs. She knows that he is 100% non commital but from what I am hearing, she has been after him for quite some time. So regardless of that knowledge, she is going to try to push him into something that is going to backfire in her face. We will just have to wait for that to happen and hope that she doesn't turn off all her friends in the process. Sure, they have 'a lot' in common (or so she tells me) and they are going through some form of heartbreak and 'together' they are helping each other out of it, but I really don't think that she should go any further with him and should stop seeing him right now. He will only hurt her emotionally because he isn't capable at this juncture to be anything more than a predator in this chase, and she, the timid (broken) prey that he will and has consumed whether by Jedi mind tricks or otherwise. Now mind you, I have only met this guy once, but I could tell you a LOT about him just in that short amount of time by the way that he held himself, acted and spoke while in the circle around the firepit. I am pretty sure that he was indeed instrumental in the decision to leave Donell, and although I see that as a positive (he was WAY to much work for her, and she was not in a position to be a mother to him like he needed), her going to the arms of ANOTHER man isn't. She is lying to her best friends (and family) about stupid things and sneaking behind peoples backs for ridiculous reasons that NO ONE seems to care about... like her coming clean about 'dating' this guy, sleeping over at his house and ditching out on plans with other people. Everyone that I have spoken to LIKE this guy, and don't particularly care that she is seeing him, but none of us deserve to be lied to about this.

I have been speaking back and forth with a friend between us and she is worried too. Deanna isn't acting like herself and this has been going on for awhile now. It seems to sync up with when her and this guy began talking more than just a few times a month to a daily phone call and her going over there to 'hang out'. I guess that I am maybe I am overreacting and too concerned allowing my own issues with this union to over shadow what is really going on here. Maybe they ARE just friends and she is learning how to be herself. I am just wondering if any of us truly know her for who she REALLY is... or if we will actually like her for it. So far, I would have to say no. I am not a friend of a liar. I just hope that she figures out what she wants out of this before she takes all her friends out of her life. Unless of course that IS her plan.

Sing Snap... don't laugh.. yeah.. okay laugh.

2011-01-05T14:22:00.000-06:00

How about a little Patsy Cline?

SOA and other soaps.

2011-01-05T14:19:00.000-06:00

The Sons Of Anarchy. I think that I am addicted to this show. I am pretty sure that I am completely in love with Jackson (Charlie Hunnam).. OH LORD please HOLD ME BACK!!

Charlie Hunnam plays "Jackson 'Jax' Teller," SAMCRO's Vice-President. Jax is the son of John Teller, founder of the Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club. This life is all he has ever known. Jax is a paradox on two wheels - intelligent, sensitive, and reflective - yet quick-tempered and dangerously reactive.

With his irresistible charm and versatility, Hunnam has captured the attention of audiences and critics in both the United Kingdom and Hollywood.

Hunnam most recently starred in Matthew Chapman's The Ledge alongside Liv Tyler, Patrick Wilson, and Terrence Howard. This film is set to be released next year. Before that, Hunnam appeared with Elijah Wood in the independent film Green Street Hooligans about the violent world of soccer hooliganism. He then starred opposite Clive Owen in Alfonso Cuarón's apocalyptic drama Children of Men.

Hunnam made his big screen debut in the Paramount thriller Abandon and continued to gain attention for his performance in the title role of the big screen adaptation of Charles Dickens' novel Nicholas Nickelby, which received a Golden Globe® nomination for Best Picture.

He next appeared as "Bosie" in the Miramax feature Cold Mountain for director Anthony Minghella based on the best-selling novel by Charles Frazier.

On the small screen, Hunnam received audience and critical acclaim for his role in the hit British drama, Queer as Folk. In this show about two gay friends, Hunnam played the role of "Nathan," a 15-year-old on the lookout for older men. Hunnam also played the same role in the follow-up television mini-series, Queer As Folk 2. He also starred in the critically acclaimed FOX series Undeclared for Judd Apatow, playing the suave theatre major from Britain who enlightened his roommate to women.

Other feature credits include Peter Hewitt's Whatever Happened to Harold Smith? for USA Films.

In addition to his acting talents, Hunnam completed his first screenplay entitled VLAD. This project is set up at Summit Entertainment with Eric Feig and Plan B producing, and Anthony Mandler set to direct.

I am DEEP into season two with season three on my HD to watch next. Man, I can't believe that I never caught this show when it was actually airing. I will get caught up and watch season four on FX when it starts next season... Damn, just one more show that I get addicted to..

Supernatural. I know it's hoaky, but I just can't get past how HOT Dean is..

And Eric.. OMG.. I guess that I am just all of a sudden overwhelmed with HOT BLONDE MEN!!!! Well, yeah, Dean isn't blonde.. but whatever.. MEOW to ALL these men. I think that I need to go to the Gyno and get my estrogen checked.. Write more later.

Happy New Years?

2011-01-01T21:53:00.001-06:00

Well hello 2011. Let's all hope that you don't totally suck. I am SO glad to see that you are finally here and the reign of terror that 2010 is leaving behind isn't going to affect you much... I hope. So bring on all the good tidings and infinite happy karma. I am ready for you.

Man last night was awesome for the first few hours... We had made all kinds of really yummy food and we had some really great music going and we were ready for some really good times. We had made some really yummy drinks to go with the really yummy food and everyone was doing really well(really, really!) until it all went really significantly downhill. It was crazy.
We had a few peeps over and I was unaware how out of control a party can get if one of your drinkers has serious internal issues. I'm not saying that she's crazy... I'm just saying that crazy found her towards the bottom of a shot glass. Things were going fine until we were all a little drunk and our inner idiot popped up and came out to play. The one girl that I am speaking about (which I love like a sister) decided to allow her inner lesbian idiot out and play with another mans girlfriend... Honestly he wasn't all that pissed off about that, it was more about her taking pictures with her phone, documenting the event and then being a complete asshole about it. Then she got REALLY pissy about him expressing his irritation of the event.
I am pretty sure that THIS was the fulcrum to the decentigration of my evening and my party. It turned into yelling, screaming and slamming of doors decorated with cursing and name calling in deafening volumes right off the back porch. (BTW, my landlady lives next door... Oh didn't I mention that in a previous blog?) Okay, so here I am trying to calm everyone down before someone calls the police on us, trying to at least get this train wreck INSIDE the house. After the two of them were pulled apart from challenging each other on who's dick was bigger and who could be the rudest at the highest volume, the guy kindly (to Christian and I) excused him and his girlfriend to their car and left. He told everyone within ear shot that it was either her or them, but SOMEONE was leaving right fucking now... So they left, leaving me to handle my drunk belligerent girlfriend, who had by this point began to cry, which was a complete bonus to the situation I'm sure. She tried to run out to the parking lot to apologize for being an idiot which in reality would actually be a really loud crazy drunk girl screaming at the couple out in the open... So Christian jumped in her path holding the door and telling her that she will NOT leave until they are truly gone, which turns into a screaming match between them with him telling her that if she goes out there and starts more shit that she is no longer welcome here... Which brings on a whole new set of issues because all her drunk ears heard was 'you are no longer welcome here'. Aw hell.. Now look what just happened here.
She continued to act crazy and once the couple were pulled out of their parking spot and around the corner, he moved away from the door and she bolted out, leaving her coat and her WII here until further notice, which was about 4:30 in the AM.
I get a call, hey, I am at your front door Can you let me in so I can get my things and be on my way? I say, Sure, I will meet you there. So, I let her in. We had already gathered her things while we were cleaning up the mess of the party, so she grabbed that and her coat crying all the while about what damage that she has done here disrespecting Christian and his house. Disrespecting the guy and his girl, and making everyone very uncomfortable at a party that we'd set up for fun and entertainment. (well, we were entertained...)
I get that, but I think that she was still overreacting to the whole thing, which was expected since she was still drunk. I never wanted her to leave since I am a HUGE advocate of you drinky you no drivey, but considering the yelling and the screaming and belligerent actions that brought us to this point, I don't think that I could of stopped her unless I knocked her out with a brick and I wasn't about to commit possible homicide just to keep her safe.
She went on talking about seeing boobs is an everyday occurrence and she wasn't trying to steal her from him and so on (oh let me mention here that she is a nurse) which wasn't the reason why all this went on... It was the fact that everyone was drinking and too much brown liquor is a BAD thing in some cases, this being one of them. He was more upset at the fact that once he showed his uncomfortability about the pictures being taken, she bowed up to him challenging that by telling (yelling at) him that it had nothing to do with taking her away from him, breaking them up messing with her turning her to the 'dark side'... what she wasn't understanding was that he was just going to let all that go and carry on. However, mentioning that he would discuss this at a more sober time, which was his right to request, set her off to a higher level of crazy. She bowed up even harder to him and that is what spurred this mutual attack. Damn the liquor. So here I am sitting here at 10:30 at night wondering why I am NOT in bed making up for NOT sleeping AT ALL last night due to psychiatric advising off the clock... blogging.
She has since then texted a few apologies and I told her that we still love her and so on, but I am sure that she will still find a way to make this weird for everyone. The couple also send their apologies and I think that everyone has sobered up enough to know that it was the drink talking and that was all... However, I don't think that we will all mix it up together for awhile.
So THAT is how my new year started. I just hope that doesn't show how the rest of the year will go, if it does, I think that I will beg for 2010 to regenerate. At least THEN I will know what to expect.

Madison's Christmas party and other pics.

2010-12-20T13:40:00.002-06:00

Madison at her Christmas party that her school put on Friday. I was amazed to see that her school wasn't afraid to put up trees and ornaments. The schools out in Plano were all about the 'winter holiday', but they wouldn't have a Christmas party or decorate the school for anything. Church and State, I gather. either way, it sucked, but out here they aren't afraid to celebrate Christmas. The party was really cool and all the 1st graders sang songs and danced around. It was really fun! in fact, Thursday Santa came to the school in a HELICOPTER!!! How COOL is THAT? I loved that they haven't been shy about the holiday, and have helped Madison celebrate Christmas. They made wonderful ornaments for the tree with her picture on it and everything!

Here is Madison with her classmates. She has a LOT of friends there, and wasn't afraid to introduce them ALL to me. It's really nice to meet her friends. Hopefully these guys will all be friends through out the grades. I am still not sure whos glasses she was wearing, but she's cute in them. Some poor blind little girl somewhere, I am sure of it.

Here is Taylor at Bell HS for her band concert. The high school wasn't scared to decorate either.. Her concert was really good and THIS time we didn't have to sit through a bunch of yap with her teachers.. Yeah, I like that. Isn't she beautiful?

Just one of the Christmas e-cards that we sent out this year. We did a few elf dances which went over really well... They were fun to watch and send outo to family. Funny huh?

Here is Morgan, Taylor and Madison.. SO CUTE! On the way to the choir concert...

Christian Santa Claus. He loves riding with that on. The kids LOVE it! He gets them sticking their heads out of the cars and yelling at him!! What a good guy..

The NAUGHTY LIST.

2010-12-20T11:58:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I think that today's post will mainly be a bitch session, so you can run past this one today.

Taylor has been VERY NAUGHTY this year, and her parents had to take back some of her gifts because Santa won't be visiting here for HER this year. Madison on the other hand said the other day that she was scared that Santa wasn't going to come for her because Taylor is on the naughty list with Santa. I had to reassure her that Santa will indeed come and see her because she has been SO GOOD that her deeds will outshine Taylor's bad ones and Santa will be here to bring Madison her gifts. However, we still can't seem to find the ONE gift that she has asked him for, so I don't know what is going to happen there, but HE WILL BE HERE DAMNIT, even if it IS only to eat the cookies!! It sucks being BROKE this close to Christmas. I am not sure how Christian and I have changed so much in the three years that I WAS working that we aren't able to give the girl(s) a decent Christmas, but it seems really difficult this year. Christian and I will have to wait for March before we can get anything for us to open Christmas morning. We will have to sit there and watch the girls open stuff instead. At least there will be some family gifts and Christmas Eve dinner with Noel. THAT will be nice. I guess that once you get older, you realize that it's not about the gifts even though they are nice to get, it is more important to you to keep the magic alive for the children. We have seen Santa and we have taken Madison to see as many lighting displays as we can before the fateful morning. I don't think that I have ever had a Christmas quite like this one. Taylor has done more damage to me this year than any other. Having to take back presents... tragic. And the fact that she doesn't even seem to care that she is going to be without anything this year from us... THAT hurts too. She knows that Nana and Jinger will make it okay for her, and knowing what they have bought for her, it really won't matter what effort WE have made to make a point to her... We are ALWAYS trumped by them when it comes to her, which brings me to another rant that I had to deal with this weekend too. I KNOW that I should of just kept my mouth shut, but I couldn't anymore. Friday we took the girls to hang out with Nana and Poppy so that Christian and I could spend some needed alone time together, which we ended up hanging out with an out of town friend, which was WELL WORTH THE TIME... but that is another story.
Sunday I called Nana to see if (since the kids are out for winter break) she could hold on to Madison one more day so I could spend some more time with my husband, but she gave me some very rude attitude and Christian and I decided that it was best if we came and got her. So, from that moment to the moment when I was actually face to face with Nana, I'd had time to brude over the whole thing, and I was ANGRY. We get there and Madison was passed out on the couch. Christian got all her things and took her out to the car while I said hello and so on to Taylor. I was doing really well NOT confronting Nana until she came into the room and tried to corner me to talk to her. Well, once she started asking me what was wrong and really grilling me about the conversation that we had on the phone before we came out, I told her how I felt about how the 'family' treats Madison. How she has missed every Birthday party minus one, and that when Madison is over here, Taylor gets special treatment and Madison sees it. I told her about how I feel about Jinger and how SHE treats Madison too.. and I ended it with 'I guess that you really can only love one child at a time'. Ouch. As I was making my exit, she asked me (again) about the plans for Christmas and I told her that we would be spending it with family that treats BOTH my children the same, and we will be here on Sunday when it is CONVENIENT for us to be here, and walked out the door. Double ouch. I cried all the way home... again. I am getting really sick of that, but whatever. Later, I get a phone call from my mother apologizing for how it all went down, and I could only say 'thanks' and listened to the rest of her conversation about how she truly loves all of us the same so on and so forth.. blah blah blah. Now on top of all that goings on, there was Taylor...
Saturday morning I get a phone call from Nana. Taylor has a friend from Bedford out here visiting his Aunt and Uncle, can he come over here and visit? Okay, if you have to call me for permission for Taylor to do ANYTHING, my answer will always be NO. Now, here is where I guess that I messed it up... Use your own judgement Nana.. if it seems like something that you feel you would have to call me over, then assume that I will not allow permission. Plus, don't believe ANYTHING that child tells you. She is trying to snow you and get you to allow her to do something that shouldn't be going on in the first place. Well, after that phone call, I thought that it was done and over with and Taylor went back to reading her books and all was well. NOPE. Sunday, I come to find out that not only did my 'NO' not stand, but the boy AND his mother somehow ended up at Nana's house and the boy went with them to church that morning. SERIOUSLY?? Did I stutter? Speak in a Foreign language? What part of 'NO' don't you get? Well, come to find out that he was actually a boy that she met on MyYearbook.com and he was a Sophomore at PESH in Plano. He'd been in a car accident and he was battling a head injury. The father was nonexistent and the mother was obviously crazy. Nana assumed that it would be okay to have these people IN HER HOME based solidly on TAYLOR'S word that she knew them. BULLSHIT. My mother is afraid of the damn lawn people for fucks sake and here she is ALLOWING STRANGERS IN HER HOUSE?? She took Taylor's word as gospel and my FATHER didn't stop it? What the HELL is HE doing? These people could very well be bullshit artists and come back later to case the joint, kill the entire family and steal everything in the house. Sorry, NO I DO NOT have faith in mankind. Not after the way that 'it' has treated me... I just don't trust it. NONE of this makes sense. I even told Nana when I dropped off Taylor that she is NOT allowed to be online or on a phone for ANYTHING. She could go to her friends house, but Nana needs to have their phone number first. DOES NO ONE UNDERSTAND WHAT A BULLSHIT ARTIST MY CHILD IS?? My GOD, she not only lied to them about this boy and got them to IGNORE that, but she got them to agree to have him over to the house and go to church with them too?? Dear LORD, what is next? Convince them that she is indeed an adult and can drive the car to the nearest liquor store to rob it? This will be the last time that they have her alone. WE DON'T REWARD HER FOR THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR!!! That boy should never of even crossed her path. She is not allowed to go online due to all the crap that she has done USING that tool. We have banned her from all of that, but yet, she still finds a way to get online. We have had to take her everywhere with us because we don't trust that she can stay home alone without getting online. We have had several phone charges due to her BS that she has pulled there too.. International calling.. that is ALL I have to say there. But she will go to friends houses and use their internet and go to the apartment office and so on... So I am SURE that is how THIS happened.. BUT now there is this 16/17 year old boy (and his mother) that she somehow met online at MY MOTHER'S HOME??

I thought that I could trust her for a few days, but knowing now that they cannot handle her appropriately, she will no longer be allowed over there alone any more. She has fucked herself out of that place for the last time. She thinks that she can snow these people... Damnit, that just makes me SO DAMN MAD that I can't even SEE straight. And if you can't see all the possible wrongs that took place there, then I am sorry, but you are just as snowed as my parents are. Now, here is the other thing about that scenario that scares me. My father KNOWS that my mother isn't rational and that she is very easily snowed by Taylor, but HE fell for this too. I am now REALLY concerned about this. Typically he is the one that talks her out of the stupid crap that she wants to do (Taylor as well as Nana), but this happened anyway, and when I called to speak to Nana about it all, he interjected and told me to leave her and this topic alone. WHAT? Is he loosing HIS mind too? I get that he cares for her, but I think that he is just to the point with her where he just lets her do whatever she wants just as long as he doesn't have to deal with the weeping and balling and bullshit that comes with whatever it is. Humm, that sounds oddly familiar to me for some reason.. Anyways, I am concerned about how HE handled this as well. Can we not trust that he will make the right decisions for the BOTH of them anymore not based on how much grief he will have to deal with afterwards? That isn't good either. HE put them in possible danger because he didn't want to deal with Taylor OR Nana?? Humm, that could be potentially dangerous. I know that he is tired of all the bullshit with my mom, but he can't just give up and allow this kind of crap to go on...
Part of me wants to go out there and get her, but I can't afford the gas it would take to get her out there again tomorrow for her dentist appointment. Yeah, that is the only reason she is there right now. Once her insurance takes off over here, she won't have a reason to go out there anymore. I hate that I can't trust her anymore, but to not be able to trust that my parents have control over her there? That is just wrong.

ON the other side of the coin, Madison has been really good and I hope that she doesn't stop being good just because she sees all this attention going to Taylor. She doesn't understand the difference between good and bad attention.. it's just attention. Taylor has that problem too BTW. We are trying to take Madison to do things to aknowledge her good deeds, I just hope that it's enough. Then again, she isn't doing anything like what Taylor was doing at this age, so hopefully we will be okay with her when she becomes Taylor's age. I don't think that I can live through all this again.

It was 30 years ago today...

2010-12-08T12:05:00.000-06:00

The death of John Lennon
John Lennon was an English musician who gained worldwide fame as one of the founders of The Beatles, for his subsequent solo career, and for his political activism. He was shot by Mark David Chapman at the entrance of the building where he lived, The Dakota, in New York City, on Monday, 8 December 1980; Lennon had just returned from Record Plant Studio with his wife, Yoko Ono.

Lennon was pronounced dead on arrival at St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital Center, where it was stated that nobody could have lived for more than a few minutes after sustaining such injuries. Shortly after local news stations reported Lennon's death, crowds gathered at Roosevelt Hospital and in front of The Dakota. He was cremated on 10 December 1980, at the Ferncliff Cemetery in Hartsdale, New York; the ashes were given to Ono, who chose not to hold a funeral for him.

*Funny how love wasn't all we needed.. a bullet proof vest was. Thanks hon for that laugh, it was needed.

That two faced cow.

2010-12-08T10:02:00.005-06:00

Facebook status:
Jennifer Tatsch is pissed off with Main Street Liquid Company in Richardson. They let Christian go, then tried to throw their staff under the bus to make it seem like it was THEIR fault that Donna didn't want him there anymore. What an F-ing coward. Own up to your decisions.. damn.

It hurt him really bad, but because he's an upstanding guy, no one will know that here.. but as you already know.. I'm a total BITCH, and if you hurt my family, I WILL bare my teeth and claws. Well, I'd like to see the 'boss' of Main Street. I want her brought right here, with a big ribbon on her head. And I wanna look her straight in the eye, and tell her what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, fore-fleshing, low life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, overstuffed, ignorant, bloodsucking, dogkissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fatassed, bug-eyed, stifflegged, spotty-lipped, worm headed sack of monkey shit she is! HALLELUJAH! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?!
So close to Christmas too.. man, we were relying on that money for our kids to have a good Christmas. Well, Donna live with the fact that you ruined Christmas for my children and my family. Because of your COWARDESS attitude... you told us that we were still going to have a show there on the 17th, after a 3 week hiatus due to private parties (that probably didn't even exist).. then you fire him via a text message? And you don't answer his calls for 3 weeks?? Jesus lady get some BALLS! You should of fired him when you knew that you wanted to, then we could of found something else, or hell reworked the bills so that we wouldn't go without FOOD..you totally rear-ended us and you suck as a boss and as a person. I don't know how you can live with yourself. Merry Christmas bitch.
____________________________________________________
I sat there last night listening to him and her duel it out over the phone and realized a LOT of inconsistencies within her OWN conversation. There was a lot of things that happened here that should never of taken place, but because his emotional status was elevated, I just sat back and watched it all go down. She back peddled on a lot of stuff that I KNOW for a FACT she told him before. It just breaks my heart watching him loose his patience with Donna. She was acting like a child and she so effortlessly threw all her staff under the bus saying that they THANKED her for firing him because their tips were down for those nights and even going a step further, saying that he was a nice enough guy, but that he had NO IDEA what he is doing up there. ( He's contacted some of the staff to see if all that was indeed true but no one has gotten back with him yet.)
WHAT THE HELL?!? Pardon me, but the only thing that he can actually be accused of is trying to make everyone happy all at the same time. Yes, Donna changed the rules at a really bad time, considering Christian had some very important parties right after the decision to put the 30/30 rule into place (30 minutes dance/30 minutes karaoke – no exceptions), but you can’t just cold turkey something like that. She was asking him to totally revamp his show immediately and I know this business, you can’t just DO that without some kind of warning to the crowd first. You have to work it all in slowly especially when the crowd is accustomed to a certain kind of show. Karaoke people LOVE consistency and THIS was going to throw his show into a tailspin and to be honest, I am SURE that was what she wanted from the beginning.

Once she started dealing with him in this manner, I knew that it was over. Honestly, Main Street is like Stream, it’s a training ground to somewhere else and if you make it there as long as he did, that is saying something. I think that Christian was done with that place once the karaoke was taken away from him. He felt really bad about all of it and beat himself up over not just going cold turkey and taking the possible hit from it, but also telling the wait staff to take it up with her if it went South. I personally loved the show and I always thought that it was making money and everyone was having a good time, but whatever jealous snitch reports to Donna obviously fed her the wrong information. Oh yeah, did I mention that she’s never even SEEN one of his shows? Or been in the bar on ANY given night that he was there? I will have to mention that when he was let go from that show people really took his back on it and that tells me something. We were all appreciative to them for their loyalty.

Yes, he’s a good guy, but he’s also a damn good KJ and they lost something there when she let him go. (I thought it was awful ‘kind’ of her to allow him to stay on as the Friday night DJ there BTW… Bitch.) That was a hell of a kicker to his ego too. She gave him all kinds of reasons why he shouldn’t be Kjing in ‘her’ bar anymore… mostly the fact that he didn’t do what the f-ing PRINCESS wanted and during her temper tantrum she decided that he needed to go. I don’t think that she knows ANYTHING about this business and she needs to keep her crazy ass on the other side of the register. Sadly, karaoke people are so addicted to the ‘craft’ that they will put up with crappy KJ’s just so that they still have their ‘fix’… but Christian made it fun and was able to keep it alive and happy. He was always energetic, involved and made friends quickly. I don’t think that he was getting old at all. In fact, she let him go when he was still in an upswing with that show, and I still to this day think that was a mistake. Oh did I mention that she’s never even SEEN a show? Oh wait.. yeah, I did.

On the other side of the coin, it really affected our family dramatically… It was an income that we relied on, which was our mistake, but what I feel worst about was how it how it all went down and how THAT affected Christian emotionally. Donna was just almost cruel about it. She dangled shows in front of him and then was MIA for weeks. Then once he got a hold of her, she told him that he was no longer needed at Main Street. Thanks for the head’s up ya dirty sow. She said that his attitude during the call was the reason why she didn’t want to tell him in person. Well DUH… guess what idiot, when you are an owner of a business and you decide to FIRE someone, you take your balls out of your handbag, put them on and deal with the back lash you get. That is part of being a boss and your cowardly behavior was NOT the way to handle an employee. (Then again, not too long ago someone from Kaner was fired via text message, so maybe that is just the way that the world is going…) It’s cowardly and a bad business practice to use, but whatever. He was upset and rightly so. He was NOT willing to hold his tongue anymore and he called her on everything that she has told him in the past and how that was used against him recently… and how unfair she was being about all of it. He really let her have it and I was proud of him when he straight up hung up on her. She wasn’t worth his effort anymore, and the fact that he allowed it to go on as long as he did was a miracle in itself. He would say something to her and all I heard was her back peddling and a lot of ‘uhhh’ and ‘well’… WHATEVER.

It’s over at Main Street and that is that. She did say something else that really personally pushed me the wrong way though. She said that the ‘unruly’ bunch of people that he has up there with him during a DJ show was hindering people from coming up to the stage and requesting music to hear. So, me, Eric and Leigh are scary and holding back the show from growing… No, people would come up all the time and request stuff. It’s the fact that there was NO ONE in the bar. True, she didn’t like his genre of music, but when I got up there and played ‘top 40’ music (like she wanted), I got all kinds of looks from people in the bar including the bartenders; which whom she specifically mentioned were responsible for her decision to fire Christian. It’s not a DANCE CLUB DONNA, it’s an old tiny bar that people have been coming to for years to socialize, sit back, relax and DRINK… Not get their groove thing on. Where the hell would they dance anyways? Besides that, the common age there is mid 30’s and up, and trust me, they don’t want to sit there and listen to what their CHILDREN are listening to, they get that enough in the car driving their little happy butts to school every morning.

Back to the staff involved: I think that it sucks if it is true that these ‘friends’ we have been hanging with for just a bit over two years have been lying to our faces… Them telling us at the end of the night that it was a good show and that they had fun. Tips were bad because the bar was EMPTY. It was empty when we came in and it was the same when we left. Given the average age in the place, some people can’t stay out past 10:00 anymore even if it IS a Friday. People work on Saturday’s and have families that they have to go home to. Again, this is NOT a 21 dance club where young people come to play, it’s an older folk’s bar and Donna needs to realize that.

I really hate two faced people and I hope that she was just using them as patsies and they didn’t actually say all that crap to her about him. I just flat out don’t believe that ANY of the staff up there especially Heather, Celeste or Jodi (hell, even Kevin) would say those kind of mean things about Christian. I just don’t get why she was so damn comfortable throwing her own staff (including Tim) under the bus like that because she was too cowardly to tell him that she thought that he sucked, or that he was killing business or whatever it was. Why couldn’t she just be honest? She’s an egotistical horrible person and ROYALY SUCKS as a boss. I hope that something poisonous bites her on the rump. The cow. Speaking of two faced people, let me just throw this out for ya… She already hired someone new to replace Christian when she told him that there were private parties scheduled for upstairs during those three weeks that she said he would be on hiatus. Just chew THAT cud for a sec.

So, we move on again. I guess it’s good… A new year, some new shows… A new beginning. Damn this business and it’s fickle self! We will make it through Christmas and so on just like we always have. It will be sparse since we (again our fault) relied on that money, but we will be alright. Maybe we SHOULD draw up a contract like some KJ’s do so that something like this won’t happen again without some kind of warning. That is just one of the downsides to Christian being too trusting and not jaded when it comes to working for a new club. Well, I guess it only takes once to become that way, so THANKS AGAIN DONNA. I hope you choke on Christmas dinner.

I just don't get why Christian was treated like this when he had done nothing to her. Not her, her business, her staff or anything there in. I guess that I will never know what her true beef with Christian was, and maybe that is just the way that will have to stay, but I wish her NO good tidings this Christmas season and I hope that a Christmas tree falls on her. I will miss Main and all the friends that we supposedly made there. On a sort of positive note, we won't be showing our faces in there anytime soon and that will save on gas and so on since it was such a LONG drive, but the one last place of socialization that got me out of my house, into some regular clothes and into a relaxing glass of vodka is gone and that will surely be missed more than anything else. Being unemployed and all, I don't find a lot of reasons to get out of my pajamas anymore..
We will be fine.

Family Feud is still on t.v.?

2010-11-30T11:21:00.000-06:00

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=1904881&l=2c242024e8&id=1439295115

Well it's finally here. The lights are up, the tree is bought and decorated and soon we will be selling plasma to afford presents for the children. Taylor wants a new guitar. She has been playing my Jr. acoustic for several years now and it's time to upgrade. Well, my sister found one at Target on sale and asked me if she should go ahead and get it. Well, in MY mind, I thought 'yeah' because she was actually going to get one, and I wasn't sure that we were going to be able to pull one off for her this year, so she went ahead and bought it. Well, that became an issue because Christian wanted to be the hero and buy her love again (even after ALL the years of THAT backfiring on him) by being the one to get the guitar for her for Christmas. Jinger already bought it due to MY direction and now I feel like a complete schmuck because I just went ahead and assumed that we wouldn't be able to do that for her this year, and again thinking that her getting the guitar was the final issue, not who gave it to her, that it would be okay.. well, it's not. Christian wants to be the one to give it to her, so I text/call my sister to discuss us buying the guitar from her just so that he could put his name on it, and she said that maybe he should buy her some lessons... Humm, I don't think that was the answer that he wanted, but I thought that it was fair. Honestly, she won't remember or even CARE who got it for her, just as long as she HAS it. She's thirteen years old people, it doesn't matter.
Now Christian is going to go and get her some REALLY expensive ass guitar just to show up my sister. GOOD LORD, REALLY? Has my family dynamic gotten THAT far off the mark that I actually feel like moving my kids and me to a remote location? I think that I need to set everyone down in the same room and let them all fight it out. It's one thing to 'hate' your inlaws, hell whole CARTOONS are run off the notion, but it sucks being the one in the middle here. I have realized that I am in the middle of a LOT of things within my family dynamics, and I don't think that I like it anymore (I know that I don't). Why can't he just let it go like I have HAD to through all the psycho shit that happened between his mother and me? Ugh, I just don't get it.. Let me take that back. I get it, I just can't really say anything about it since it's all been discussed before and I would be just kicking a dead horse in the nostril. So needless to say, that will just go unchanged and Taylor will be receiving the guitar from Jinger and possibly another one from Christian at the loss of gifts to someone else in this family just to prove a point. Good fun.
This all spurs from his need to be liked by Taylor. She IS his step daughter regardless of the fact that he has been in her life the entire time, but does he really have to fight SO HARD to get her to like him? I mean really.. I could care less if she likes me or not. I am not her friend, I am her MOTHER and he should look the same upon her as I do and stop allowing her to emotionally hurt him the way that he does. He will NEVER get her true love and respect if all he wants to do is buy her off like this. It's been proven through out history that NOTHING good ever comes from that. She will grow up spoiled in a cruel and unrelenting world that will merely chew her up and spit her out in her current condition. She will learn nothing from this and it will only hurt me more to watch it all go on. He gives her WAY too much power over him and I personally think that somewhere in that weirdo brain of his, he feels like he deserves it. I am not saying that he allows her to walk all over him, quite the opposite, but he sure as HELL likes to fight with her. THAT is what I just don't get (seriously, I don't get it)... I don't understand why he almost finds it fun to fight with her the way that he does... He LOVES to ground her and take things away (which I agree with BTW, because she IS being a COMPLETE butt head) but then he keeps me as his bloodhound to keep things up for him in his absence. I don't mind really because it is typically a dual decision, but I do feel that sometimes enough is enough and I allow her some freedoms from our rules because she will never learn anything if we keep her locked up in the tower all the time either. I am trying to find a decent balance here between the rules and her still having some kind of a life. I have really just stopped telling him about some of it due to the fact that I know he will get mad at me for dialing it back and making it not seem so hideous (because I allow her to walk over me like he assumes she does)... It takes away the threat of the grounding for later usage. I figure that since it was OUR decision to ground her, I should have some say in her allowances since I am home with her WAY more than he is. It is true that I don't always agree with him on how long and to what level she should be grounded to.. like the make up thing... Yeah, we said it was to be taken off and taken away, but to be honest, I don't think that it should be taken away completely due to how important it is to have that in jr. high school. SADLY, its all about the looks, and I don't want Taylor to be an outcast due to her looks because WE took her make up away. I really wish that this fight would just be done though, and she would serve her time without the makeup on and just get it over with. He keeps adding time due to defiance. I don't think that Christian understands the importance of it really.. but she has toned it down quite a bit since the feud came on, so I like that result. I don't really know how to feel about it honestly, I am just hoping that some of it is getting into her head that she needs to learn how to grow up and accept responsability. I know that she won't get all that until she moves out and HAS to learn it, but we try like mad as parents to attempt the lesson.
I have noticed quite the turn around since the visit from the cop... she still asks me about going to church and UMYF, but I don't think that she really needs that per say, I KNOW that she needs socialization, THAT is true, but I don't think that anything they preach at church will change her view on life that she already has. I could get her into a soccer league and she would be just as well off than something pertaining to a deity that can be worshipped in a safer environment, here at home. Well if she would stop doing stupid crap, she could go out and hang with friends and so on.
We don't trust her now, and considering the things that she has done, some would say are just typical teenage things, but they are not. She is a very ANGRY child and although I think that she is finally working through it all, I would LOVE to know where it stemmed from. I am sure that even SHE has no idea anymore... Some old embedded bullshit that happened when she was like four years old or something like that. Who knows, but I don't think that Christian was a part of that other than his versions of punishment that I have come to not agree with over the years. He's done his fair amount of damage there, and so have I, but I am NOT willing to buy her respect because of it. It is an earned thing (both ways, from both parties) and I will earn it from her, just like she will earn it from me. Yes, she STILL pretty much hates us both and does whatever she wants to do, but at least she sort of listens to me and I can pull her back in when she gets out of line. Now if we could just get Christian that same amount of respect.. He's been a LOT better with her in the last few years, but like I said, the damage is done there. It's now about pulling off the band aid and actually helping the wound heal, if she will allow it. They BOTH need couseling.

Oh, and Madison lost another tooth. She is just adorable. I guess it's a blessing that we got an angel to help balance out the devil, but I am sure that we will have our time with her on that level too at some point.. We are just hoping that won't happen until Taylor is at least moved out. One can only hope.